Trump to Stop Virus; Throw 6 Virgins into Volcano
Vows to select virgins personally
“I do not trust Doctors, other than easily persuadable Podiatrists and White House Physicians I personally pardoned after felony malpractice convictions. These same, so-called, Doctors are the same type of folks who tried to tell me that dyeing my hair orange using fire extinguishers filled with food coloring would hasten the onset of senility.”
“Losers. Pence is a Medical Miracle Worker. He once rid an entire town of Tinnitus by radiating Oscillating Reiki from a helicopter overhead. Some suggested Ben Carson because he had binge-watched ‘House’ from his office sauna at HUD. Pence is the guy. Pence is hygiene. Pence was actually born wearing a three-piece suit. Red tie. Power tie. The ultimate WASP umbilical cord. Who knew. Family remembers his first words and then the immediate, clarifying walk-it-back, retraction. Told him he should start a soft-drink bottling plant; sell Pence-a-Cola. What? That killed at Mar-A-Lago. “
“Oh, yeah — that people getting sick and dying, annoying, not about me, ain’t taking the blame, P.S. Don’t let Schumer cough in your face whatsamacallit disease — wasn’t that with Dustin Hoffman? Very, very overrated. No respect, by the way. Based Tootsie on the private life of J Edgar Hoover. Not me. I love cops. Prosecutors not so much.”
Over at HHS, Alex Azar, appointed him cause he has a name short enough for me to remember. Anyway, you’re doing a hell of a job Ozzie. Then there’s all these stiffs at CDC. See these people. So serious. So unsmiling. So stiff. My god, they look for all the world like they’ve read a book. Anyway, Deputy Assistant Epidemiolical Virologist for Sneeze-Borne Infectious Glaucoma. By the time they’re done introducing themselves, I’m on my second nap. Boring. I ask them. This blah-blah thing you do — is that really what you wanted to be as a kid or is it you just couldn’t get into Georgetown on a fake Tennis athletic scholarship like successful people do.”
“I got in touch with my most important spiritual advisor. Franklin Graham (or as I call him, Benjy the Cookie). Told me that he was not available. Told everyone he knew god would protect him and went to pray in his private chapel wearing a hazmat suit and breathing filtered air. I turned, I said to Mulvaney — yo, short-timer, fetch me a bible. He looks death at me and says, Mr. President, a bible, what do you think this is a Motel 6?”
“I had a moment. I called McConnell. He answered. I yelled BOO. Good thing he keeps a change of clothing handy. So, appease the gods. Got it. I’ll toss 6 virgins into a volcano, worked in every motion picture prior to 1934. 100%. Maybe I get Melania to dress up like a Cigar Store Indian. She rocks the look. Make a big ceremony, get all those Republican Senators to lip-synch with my butt.”
“They’ll put my face up on Mt Rushmore, right next to Bill Murray.”
