Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sad People
As someone who has been a sad person for much of my life (and gotten away with it), I thought it might be helpful to share my top tips for people to maintain a consistently spiraling depressive state.*
1. Speak horrendously of yourself.
With just the right inflections, anyone will chuckle at the truths you tell them if they are dressed as sarcasm. This serves a twofold purpose: you are genuinely not lying to anyone, and you are also reminding yourself out loud at what a dreadful person you are. In this scenario, nothing is off-limits. However, it must be done with just the right amount of tact since the people you speak to might mistake your sad-person-maintaining habit as a nuanced cry for help. Such scenarios are risky, but they very well may connect you with other sad people that are only interested in implementing these seven habits.
I think it goes without saying that this negative self-image should be reeling through your mind’s monologue without cessation, and increase with intensity and vulgarity as time goes on.
2. Choose your company wisely.
It is of the utmost importance that you are alone for the majority of your time. This is because honest interpersonal relationships are one of the major stumbling blocks to even the most effective sad person. If you must be with another person, such as a partner, make sure that they are also a sad person.
Acceptable acquaintances should be indifferent to you, and the people you consider to be your closes friends (or romantic partners) absolutely must be indifferent, inconsistent, and mocking. Should an individual be physically or emotionally abusive, this is even more desirable. Seek out these people for their company above all others.
3. Lie to mental health professionals.
I am almost certain that this goes without saying. Mental health professionals are only there to help you out of your depression, so if you tell them the whole truth, they very well may come up with an effective plan to bring you back to the land of the living. If you are not a good liar, then it is possible to tell some of the truth — and this is even an advisable route since the most effective sad people can be spotted quite easily. Using language that sounds as if you are opening up your feelings, when in fact you are only scratching the surface is a great way to distract a mental health professional from the real problem. However, it is important to balance this openness with a majority of concealment.
Unfortunately, there is no way to perfectly ensure how it is best to navigate an interaction with mental health or medical professionals. For this reason, the most effective sad people never engage with them — under any circumstances.
4. Guarantee a hangover every morning.
If you feel like your usual self-destructive tendencies and thoughts are not quite maintaining the low level of mood that you are after, then this is probably one of the most effective ways to spiral into depression. This tip is particularly helpful for those amongst us who are on the road to recovery from mental illness, as there is almost nothing more effective than altering your perception and brain chemistry with exogenous substances.
Take the pill the stranger offers you at the party. Snort all the things. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Cocaine. Xanax. Viagra. Ecstacy. Nangs. What's that? Who cares, take it anyway. Don’t bother googling the contraindications between the drugs you’re taking from your doctor and the drugs you might be taking on the side, self-medication is essential to become and maintain a life as a sad person. The unpredictable substance combinations should only make your experience more horrific, which is essential to perpetuating your mind to exponentially more sad boi vibes for the entire duration of your “high” and — if not most importantly — induce a painful hangover.
There are few things that induce self-loathing as efficiently as a deadly hangover. Waking up with regrets, sickness, and seediness is the cherry on top of the perfect evening spiraling out of control.
The most effective hangovers are those that last the duration of the day so that you fall asleep that night still hungover. Should you vomit, faint, or require hospitalization, rest assured that you are on the right track. Remember that the amount and frequency you are abusing substances can be directly correlated to how effective you are remaining a sad person.
5. Body modification is a must.
There are many ways to achieve this habit, but the important thing is that it needs to be maintained every single day. One’s thoughts of self-loathing should be enough to maintain momentum in either starving yourself or binge eating, but it is recommended that you choose the path that will lead to the greatest discomfort in your own skin while it is being achieved.
Furthermore, it is common knowledge that only the baddest of boys have tattoos and piercings, as well as scars from drunken accidents or gory self-harm — so you should see to it that you acquire these markers of being a sad person. Do not attempt to talk yourself out of any decision, as the choices that are often described as being the “most regrettable” are likely the choices that will be most effective at maintaining your status as a sad person.
6. Daydream about suicide.
Suicidal ideation is part and parcel with an effective depressed person. It is important that you think about exactly how you might end your own life — down to the tee. Will you write a note? Will you make it messy? Which individuals do you wish to emotionally traumatize upon your demise? These are all important things to consider in excruciating detail. The next step would be to, well, take the next step.
Maybe you just stand on the edge of a building one evening, swinging your leg over the edge — just to test yourself and see if you are in the mood. Not only is this exhilarating, but it can also lead to a new kind of self-hatred that can only be achieved by playing a solo game of suicide roulette: the realization that not only are you a pathetic burden to the world that would be better off dead, but you are also a terrible sad person. You walk away from these games with a newfound low self-image, and with it, you may find it helpful to practice habits number four and five more regularly until you grow a pair enough to make a serious attempt.
7. Never tell anyone how horrible you feel.
This is undoubtedly the most important step of all. Should you reveal to anyone the intensity of your low mood at any point, they might never stop asking about it. They are likely to even link the behaviors mentioned in the other six steps to your low mood, at which point it will be near impossible to engage in these behaviors without this person showing some sort of “good-willed” concern.
Not only that but if you are strictly adhering to the aforementioned steps the way you should, then the concerned person will undoubtedly inform people in your life who are closest to you. This is almost impossible to recover from since once people are informed of your sadness, they will express their worry for your wellbeing, speak to you more kindly, and even offer you “help” by means of a mental health professional or hospital visit.
This is the root of all evil for an effective sad person. By nature, you are weak and pathetic, and you will succumb to any suggestions to be made “well” again once you allow yourself to be persuaded by those closest to you that you should seek help.
Concluding thoughts
Remember that taking any steps towards happiness is going to be detrimental to your effectiveness as a sad boi. Those bastards are tricky, and even the slightest steps away from these seven habits are irrecoverable moves away from staying sad.
*In case you couldn’t tell, this entire piece is satire — I wanted to write it to remind myself that my “effective habits” are just a ploy to try and evade help.
(Australia) For 24/7 crisis support or suicide prevention services in Australia, please call 13 11 14 or browse Lifeline Australia’s Online Resources. If life is in danger, call 000.
