The Ball-dogs
In which innovation comes to Wimbledon.
1. int. Wimbledon boardroom. day.
The ageing board members of the The All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club sit around a table. Attendance to the Wimbledon Championships is dwindling, as they’re alienating all those who aren’t the wealthy elite. They need fresh ideas to drive engagement with a different crowd.
BERTRAND
What about a half-time show? The common people seem to enjoy those? We could have that Beyonza woman perform.
Others scribble in notebooks.
REGINALD
Perhaps our patrons could pay to bring a peasant child with them for the day? We can charge double for them to be seen doing a charitable deed.
Unsure murmurs.
REGINALD (CONT’D)
Naturally, we’d have a separate area reserved for the peasants. They wouldn’t be sitting with the rest of us.
Murmurs of agreeance.
HAROLD enters, a little puffed.
HAROLD
Sorry I’m late chaps. Very important business you see. I’ve taken the liberty of appointing a new vice-president of innovation. This is Frances. They’re from California.
REGINALD
“They”?
HAROLD
Yes, it’s a thing now, apparently. Anyhow, Frances is here to help us innovate for the new world. We’d love to hear some of your ideas.
FRANCES
I have the idea that’s going to turn Wimbledon into the hottest thing this year. But I don’t think you’re ready for it.
BERTRAND
I can assure you, young…person, that we are open to many ideas!
FRANCES
Mmm, I don’t know. It’s pretty out there.
HAROLD
Frances, please, we’re eager to hear it.
FRANCES
OK. Here it is.
The other members lean forward, pens ready on their notebooks.
FRANCES (CONT’D)
We’re going to replace all the ball girls and ball boys —
with dogs.
A stunned silence. Members look quizzically to each other.
FRANCES (CONT’D)
Man, see, I told you you weren’t ready for it.
HAROLD
(Flustered) No, no, no, I like it, I definitely like it. Don’t you, Bertrand?
BERTRAND
I say, that sounds like a capital idea, wouldn’t you agree, Reginald?
REGINALD
Oh yes, quite capital, indeed.
HAROLD
It’s settled, then! We shall no longer use human ballboys and ballgirls. Have a team dedicated to training the dogs at once. Thankyou, Frances. Your young mind and innovative ideas have saved us all.
2. ext. Wimbledon Championship court. day
At the Championship, we see utter mayhem, as dogs are running all over the court chasing the balls. Some are digging holes in the grass, others are pooping. A few of the players are petting the animals, while others have their shoelaces chewed on.
ANNOUNCER
I’m not sure quite whose idea this was, but I have never seen a spectacle like this in all my years. This is an unmitigated disaster. I can only hope that it doesn’t make any lasting damage to the Championship.
3. ext. grassy field. dawn
HAROLD and FRANCES stand back to back, holding a duelling pistol each. The other Board members look on.
FRANCES
Are you serious about this? They’re not real pistols, right?
HAROLD
Our ways are the old ways. One!
Both take a step forward.
