The celebrity chef cookware
In which a home cook gets grilled by her crockery.
1. int. kitchen. night.
AYESHA is busy cooking up a storm for her dinner guests, who are drinking together in the next room. Across her benchtop are a range of platters and utensils.
She takes a carton of chicken stock out of the fridge, and begins to pour into one of the saucepans. Abruptly, one of the platters speaks up.
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
Pre-made stock? Are you fucking kidding me?! You’ve been home all fucking day, but instead of taking time to make a decent stock from scratch, you spent it on deciding what bloody wine to serve you twat. You truly are abysmal.
AYESHA
(Rolling her eyes) Sue me.
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
Oh yea, that’s it, ruin it by putting the meat in too early. Fuck me, Ayesha, did you learn to cook from a caveman or something? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph you’ll need divine intervention to make something decent out of this shitpile.
JAMIE OLIVER CRYING BOWL
Mate, come on, ver’s no need fo’ vat sort ov language, she lit’raly doin’ the best she can, yea? I fink you’re doing great guns, Ayesha, jus chuck som’o the ol’ olive oil in vere first, y’know?
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
There he is. Maybe if you spent more time learning to speak proper fucking English, people could fucking understand you. You know what you sound like? Like a big fucking parrot had sex with a shoe shine from the 1800’s.
JAMIE OLIVER CRYING BOWL
(Holding back tears) Hey now, vats not a very nice fing to say, y’know? I ‘ave feelings too, mate, just out ‘ere trying to make a diff’rence in vis world. Someone’s gotta teach people ‘ow to cook proper food —
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
Listen, you wouldn’t know proper food if it jumped out of the pan and turkey-slapped you. I’ve taken shits I liked more than your cooking.
JAMIE OLIVER CRYING BOWL
(Trying to talk between heavy sobs) It’s not easy, y’know? I’m lit’raly out vere on the front lines, seeing what people are eatin’ and it’s breakin’ me ‘eart. You know nuffin’ about it.
AYESHA
(Annoyed) Do you two mind? I’m trying to cook here.
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
You’re doing a great job, love.
AYESHA
Really?
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
Fuck no! If I gave a spatula to a octopus, and a packet of pasta to a chimpan-fucking-zee, they’d make a better dish. Once, just once, I want to see you not make a complete arse of yourself, and cook a proper — YOU DON’T PUT OREGANO IN THAT! Jesus, Ayesha, you’re really killing me here. I want to help you, I do, but you’re making it fucking difficult.
NIGELLA LAWSON INNUENDO BOARD
Leave the poor woman alone, she’s done an excellent job of beating those eggs. It was mesmerising. Now, darling, just grab that courgette for me, the girthy one. Don’t be shy, it won’t bite.
AYESHA uncertainly picks up an absurdly large courgette.
NIGELLA LAWSON INNUENDO BOARD
Now, love, stick your finger into that cream sauce, and wiggle it around a bit. Really need to make sure its the right consistency. Yes, that’s it. Just give it a little lick, see what it tastes like.
JAMIE OLIVER CRYING BOWL
Hey now, this doesn’t seem on the level, are you ‘aving a Turkish?
NIGELLA LAWSON INNUENDO BOARD
Shutup, you! Go save a school!
JAMIE OLIVER CRYING BOWL
(Starts sobbing again) The poor kids…so many… chicken nuggets.
ELOISE enters from the next room, a glass of wine in her hand.
ELOISE
Is everything OK in here? Need a hand with anything?
GORDON RAMSAY SWEARING PLATTER
It’s an absolute shit-fight in here, but I doubt there’s anything you can do about it. Although there’s no way you’d be more hopeless than her.
ELOISE
Why did you buy these for?
AYESHA
They looked good in the pictures.
