The Home Security System
In which a concerned partner purchases a new home security system.
1. int. household kitchen. morning.
MILA pours herself a cup of coffee, looking out the window to the backyard. She wears a robe. Behind her, CLAIRE approaches in her pyjamas.
MILA
Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Coffee?
The two share a kiss, and CLAIRE grabs a mug, holding it out while MILA pours.
CLAIRE
Thankyou.
MILA
Welcome.
They sit on stools at the bench, and MILA turns to take one of CLAIRE’s hands in hers. CLAIRE looks unsure. MILA smiles broadly at her.
MILA
I know how much these home invasions have been bothering you recently. So, I bought us a home security system.
CLAIRE
Does this have something to do with the birds that have been nesting in our roof this weekend?
MILA
Yep, that’s them. The falcons will be keeping us safe now.
CLAIRE looks puzzled, squinting her eyes and pulling her hand from MILA’s.
CLAIRE
The falcons?
MILA
Yes.
CLAIRE
(Annoyed) But…they’re birds!
MILA
(Comforting) Claire Bear, the sales team told me that they’re an apex predator in their ecosystem.
CLAIRE still isn’t buying it. She starts, but MILA goes on.
MILA (CONT’D)
When I met with the falconer who trained the —
CLAIRE
(Standing, raising her voice) A falconer? You met with a falconer?
MILA
(A little hurt) Well, who do you expect would train falcons for a home security detail? They can’t take a course on it!
(Silence settles for a moment)
I thought you would be happy, don’t you want to feel safe?
CLAIRE
(Fiery) Safe? How are birds going to keep us — I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation. You spent our money on a home security system that relies on birds! What are they going to do if someone comes in with a gun, Mila, swoop him into submission?
MILA
Trudging to the cupboard, she pulls a wrapped gift, and tosses it on the table.
(Flatly) Well, I guess you won’t be needing this, then.
CLAIRE
(Unwrapping, blank faced) What — what is this? Is this one of those gloves you use for birds to land on your arm, like those weird guys at Renaissance fairs?
MILA
(Tears in her eyes, voice breaking) For your information, it’s called a “falconry gauntlet”! And I thought you’d be more supportive of this, but obviously not! (leaves, crying)
CLAIRE is left at the table, stunned. Out the window, we see 3 falcons perched on a handrail, watching the whole scene. One cocks its head at CLAIRE.
