The KISS Army
In which KISS fans are put to the ultimate test.
1. int. oval office. white house. night.
Behind the desk in the Oval office sits Jennifer Low, the PRESIDENT of the United States. In her late 20’s, she wears jeans and sneakers, scrolling on her phone. A group of White House staff, scientists, and military personnel are in the room.
There are multiple monitors set up. On a television, a newsreel is showing panic in the streets of major cities.
GENERAL BYRON enters, a grizzled man well into his 60’s.
GENERAL BYRON
(Booming) What in Cole Sprouce’s nutsack is going on here!?
You, nerd! Stop beating your cock and get over here before I beat it for you!
A few of the staff squint at each other in confusion.
DR HAN
General, I’d ask you not to harass my staff, please. I’ll be more than happy to give you all a briefing (looks to PRESIDENT).
The PRESIDENT nods. DR HAN proceeds.
DR HAN
This morning, at approximately 2:45AM, our satellites picked up a disturbance outside the Earth’s atmosphere.
At 6:00AM, the alien space crafts positioned themselves above major landmarks the world over; Pyramids, Eiffel Tower, Great Wall, everywhere. At –
GENERAL BYRON
I’m sorry, is this goddamn “Independence Day”?
You got Denzel Washington and Jim Carrey hiding back there to send them up to give the aliens the herpes?!
PRESIDENT
(Annoyed) Fuck me, George, did you even watch “Independence Day” you old fuck?
DR HAN
(Impatiently) As I was saying. At 6:05AM, we received a video message from them, which I’ll play now.
PRESIDENT
Nah, it’s pretty lame, I’ll just give y’all the short version.
For some reason, the only Earth culture they’ve seen is from the 80’s, which is all shit. Like “Footloose”. Made no sense. Why ban dancing?
DR HAN shoots her a look. She continues.
PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
Anyway, they used a lot of 80’s slang like “tubular” (whatever the fuck that means), and played 80’s music, and told us that because we’re so primitive, they’re going to colonise Earth.
The staff all murmur.
They’ll give us one chance to save the planet, though. But…
(pause)
shit, this is so stupid.
(She sighs deeply, rubs her temples) For some reason, they think the KISS Army is most ruthless fighting force on Earth…and that KISS are some kind of demigods.
(pause)
(Unenthusiastically) So they’ve challenged the KISS Army to a battle for Earth.
GENERAL BYRON
(Infuriated) WHAT IN KHAL DROGO’S PONYTAIL? I’ve watched bestiality porn with a better plot than that — I’ll bet the Russians are behind it!
PRESIDENT
(Frustrated) How — it’s not the Russians, you stupid dick, it’s aliens! You can see their spaceship out the fucking window, Jesus fucking Christ, I don’t… (flustered) h-how are you even still in charge of anything?
GENERAL BYRON
Well, I -
PRESIDENT
Nah, I actually don’t care.
Anyway, I had to Google the KISS Army. Apparently it’s a bunch of old dudes in leather and make up.
I’ve posted all this on my Insta story, and it’s blowing up. Everyone’s grilling the KISS Army lol.
GENERAL BYRON
(Curious) How many fighting men in this “KISS Army”?
WHITE HOUSE STAFFER 1
(Matter-of-factly) Well, it’s not an actual army, General, see, it’s just the fans of –
GENERAL BYRON
(Flatly) Thankyou, Malibu Ken. If I want a book report on the Snapchat, I’ll ask you — but until then, keep your eyes out of my ass, you understand me?
(To DR HAN) How many, goddammit?
DR HAN
Going off social media, conservatively 150,000. But I doubt any of them have any combat experience.
PRESIDENT
(Loudly) And most of them are old as fuck.
GENERAL BYRON
(Stone faced) Well, tickle my prostate and call me Julio Iglesias, it appears we’re in a pickle. I’ll call Ozzy Osbourne myself to brief him and the band.
PRESIDENT
JEE-ZUS! (pulls out a bong in the shape of the Statue of Liberty).
