The Mundane Eternity in Hell
In which the residents of Hell are given their punishment for the day.
1. int. punishment room A. hell. everlasting night.
Inside the infinitely long room, the residents of Hell sit on IKEA chairs that haven’t been made quite right, and long tables that have one leg shorter than the others so they wobble when you lean on them.
Some of them make small talk to one another, whilst others read outdated, crusty magazines.
A bloodcurdling scream pierces the air, and everyone faces the front. The DEVIL enters holding a coffee, with a cigarette in his mouth, and a clipboard under his arm. He sits on his desk. Behind him, there is a giant “Wheel of Misfortune”.
DEVIL
Alright, badmorning everyone. Cause you’ve been so repentant, there’s no punishment for anyone this week.
Everyone looks at one another expectantly.
DEVIL (CONT’D)
(Chuckling) Just kidding. Man, even after Eternity, the look on your faces is priceless.
(To a man in the front row) How you doing buddy?
MAN
I —
DEVIL
Nah, just fucking with you, I don’t actually care. Here, have a penis-nose.
The DEVIL transforms the man’s nose into a penis.
DEVIL (CONT’D)
Classic.
So I see some new faces today. Welcome to Hell, sucks to be you. Here’s the skinny.
Every Monday, you come here, and I deal out punishments which you’ll have to complete for the duration of the week. If you want to try your luck, though, you can spin the Wheel of Misfortune behind me instead.
The DEVIL looks to his clipboard, and paces through the room. Every time he reads a punishment out, the person immediately disappears.
DEVIL (CONT’D)
Alright, here we go.
Aaronson. Shaking out tablecloths.
Abato. Merging into traffic that never has a break.
Abbas. Trying to come up with the exact change for something (which you know you have) but you cant find it, and everyone else is impatiently waiting behind you.
Abbott. You’ll be pooping after you just went for a swim so you’re all wet and can’t wipe properly, and the toilet paper keeps breaking apart. Lol.
Abel. Being stuck in a business meeting you don’t have the context for, and your stomach won’t stop making whale noises the whole time, and everyone notices.
Abramov. Setting a never-ending table.
Abruzzo. You keep reheating your food in the microwave, then checking it, but every time, it’s still not quite hot enough.
Ackerley. You’ll be at a family function, sitting with the Millenials who won’t get off their phones, and you have nothing to talk to them about anyway because the generation gap is too wide and you don’t understand meme culture.
Acton. Folding bath towels.
Addams. You’ll be waiting in line to use the microwave at work during lunchtime, but the line never gets shorter.
(Trying to sound it out) Ash…Ashbursh…Aeschberscho— Fuck it, you know who you are. I’m making you order a coffee, but the barista keeps mishearing your name, so you have to keep telling them. How’s that for irony?
Ahern. Playing a game of Scrabble where you’re always down to the last few letters, and there’s absolutely no good place to put them.
Ahlstedt. Waiting for a bus that’s late, but there are other ones that go kind of where you want to if you just walked a little, but you think it’ll be faster to wait for the regular one. But it never comes.
Ainer.
AINER
Actually, can I spin the Wheel of Misfortune?
DEVIL
Ugh, I guess.
AINER approaches the wheel and spins in.
DEVIL
OK, so you got “Eating leftovers for dinner every night”.
AINER suppresses a smile before disappearing. The rest of the room groans.
DEVIL (CONT’D)
Oh, boo-hoo, suck it up. The leftovers are made of horse meat, anyway.
Akana.
AKANA
I want to spin the Wheel, too.
DEVIL
FUUUUUUUCK, why did I even make that stupid wheel? OK, fine, spin it!
AKANA spins the wheel joyfully.
DEVIL
HA! Eat it, Akana! “Trying to get an infinitely long hose that’s old and been out in the sun too long and is rigid in all the wrong places properly looped back on one of those wall mounted hose hangers.”
AKANA
Damn it! (Disappears)
The DEVIL looks at his watch. He still has to get to the other 25 rooms to deal out punishments, too.
DEVIL
Alright, I got other places to be. Reading all these out is so inefficient, but dammit, I love seeing everyone’s faces when they hear it. It’s the highlight of my week. That, or Taco Tuesday.
ALLEN
(Offended) Why don’t we get Taco Tuesday?
The DEVIL looks sidewards at ALLEN.
DEVIL
Why do — are you seriously asking me that? Cause you’re in Hell, Allen.
Fuck me, let’s see what you were gonna get. (Pause while he reads)
“Hanging out the washing, but it’s all socks”? Not anymore. I’m gonna freestyle this one.
You’ve had a really shit day at work, and the thought of Taco Tuesday is the only thing getting you through it. But when you get there, they just ran out of tacos.
Enjoy Taco Tuesday, motherfucker.
ALLEN is about to say something, but disappears.
DEVIL (CONT’D)
Anyone else got a dumb question? Good. Just for that, now you all have French accents. Au revoir, losers.
The DEVIL exits, handing off the clipboard to a DMV employee who continues to read out names.
