Hope

It sucks. It always fucking sucks.

There was a time in my life when everything was fucked up. My relationships with my family, friends, love life, myself — it was a huge pile of unresolved, dirty mess. Self-loathing due to disappointment in self and wrong decisions had reached a point where all I wanted to do was end everything.

It was that one night where things had turned so bad that my mind was actually planning on how I would end things for myself. And because in those last few moments, I didn’t care what other people would think of me or how I would be a burden to them, I reached out to my best friend and told her how fucked up I was. And she decided to stick by me. It was a huge deal. For a person with a state of mind that her problems would either be a burden or be laughed at or make her lose her friends, it was a VERY huge deal. I don’t even remember what she said to me on the chat. Her words didn’t matter. All this while my only concern was I would her lose her too like everyone else. But I didn’t. And the fact that she didn’t run away from me back then was the reason I had the courage to fix my problems.

No, things didn’t turn great and flowery right away but now I had hope. Hope that things weren’t still out of hand. It was when my parents decided I go to therapy, they started to fall in the right place. The reasons were different and they kind of screwed up on the way but I will never be more thankful to them. To my absolute shock, all I did was cry during my very first session. Yes, I just sat there, spoke to my therapist and cried straight for two fucking hours. I didn’t even realise the amount of shit that was choked up inside me. But once I was ready to share all the baggage, there was no better feeling in this world. Eventually, I figured out all shit. Found a solution to every problem. Everything worked out. It always does. Yes, things do fuck up again but that’s the way of life. The only difference is, this time I know what I’m worth — no matter how perfectly broken I am. I know what it is to be happy with myself, with the people I care about. And that for sure I cannot give up for anything. Not now. Not ever. In fact, I still meet my therapist sometimes but more to take psychology lessons than to actually discuss my problems.

So yes, thanks Sampada. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you but today, I will.

Thank you.

No matter how you see it, I’m just glad you never ran away. And I also know for a fact that you never will. Even if I fuck up my life more than the last time. (Although, I won’t for sure.)

Happy birthday and I love you.

I have nothing more to gift you this year than this. I know I don’t make a very good friend material but you’ll have to survive with it. After all, you chose to stick by. Right from childhood to until now. So you’ve to bear me forever. Please decide where you’ve giving me a treat. [Only under 2.5K. :P :D :*]