Dear Dan Gilbert: Here’s How You Can Get LeBron to Commit Long-Term
Agree to sell him the Cavs once he retires
Dear Dan Gilbert,
I’d write you this letter in Comic Sans font, but Medium doesn’t allow for such buffoonery. Buffoonery — defined as behavior that is ridiculous but amusing — is fitting here because it encapsulates the perception of your franchise, the Cleveland Cavaliers, in the eyes of the rest of the sports world right now. Buffoonery is also appropriate because it’s very much antiquated — much like the Cavs’ roster. Yep, y’all are a bunch of buffoons — and, ironically, it can all be traced back to your Comic Sans Letter about LeBron James.
You see, if you hadn’t acted like a scorn ex-lover when LeBron took his talents to South Beach, he’d probably feel some sort of loyalty to your franchise this time around. In fact, his impending free agency, looming over your franchise like a storm cloud over Lake Erie, probably wouldn’t feel so foreboding if you hadn’t talked about him like he was a piece of property back in 2010 (sorry that you didn’t get to inflate his home appraisal before he moved out of town, Dan). But you did what you did and he did what he did, and now, your franchise is stuck between a rock and JR Smith’s sweatpants (NSFW) about what to do as the trade deadline approaches.
If only you could get some sort of commitment out of LeBron James. . . . Life would be so much easier:
- Your franchise would retain its $1.2 billion value and remain near the top of the NBA instead of plummeting towards the bottom of the league like it did when LeBron was gone (only $515M in 2013–14);
- Your GM Koby Altman could have open conversations with LeBron about the short/long-term plans moving forward instead of trying to guess what will make LeBron happy; and
- You wouldn’t be viewed as such a buffoon by the basketball community and your fans for losing LeBron James twice.
Here’s an idea: Sell the team!
Ironically, as I was writing this letter, Stephan A. Smith broke the news that you were already considering this (click here). That might be a premature decision though — didn’t you hear about the NBA’s gambling proposal where they’re asking for a 1% cut of all legalized sports bets made on NBA games? (Click here.) That’s a lot of potential revenue you’d be leaving on the table if you were to sell now.
So, here’s an even better idea: Agree to sell the team to LeBron James once he retires.
Think about it — he already extended the olive branch earlier this season when he was asked about whether he’d like to own the Cleveland Cavaliers someday.
“To be an owner of any team would be crazy,” James told The Athletic’s Jason Lloyd. “If this thing opened up and I’m in a position financially, and I’ve got the right team around me, obviously. But who’s to say Dan will (sell)? I’ve always kept it just player/owner at this point. I guess once I come down to that point, if the conversation needed to be had, I’ll have it. But I don’t have it right now.”
That’s not even subliminal messaging — that’s a Notice of Intent.
Hey Dan, have that conversation with LeBron!
Agree to sell the team to LeBron and he’ll be a Cavalier until the day he retires. When he retires, you sell him your majority stake in the franchise and walk away an even wealthier man than today.
Obviously, this would need to be a handshake deal as it would violate the Collective Bargaining Agreement, but hey, no one follows any of the CBA’s rules anyways (see, tampering).
If you still want to be a part of the NBA, go back to your beloved Detroit and buy the Pistons (they’re only valued at $900 million). And with that extra $300 million you’ll have made, I know just the residence for a buffoon like yourself to move into — the Manoogian Mansion.
Yours truly,
PJH 👌🏻
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