Our Lord & Savior Hoodie Melo
Want to see Carmelo Anthony wear a hoodie during NBA games? Join his new religious movement — Hoodieism
Hoodieism: a religion and way of life founded by Carmelo Anthony and centered around the practice of gettin’ buckets while wearing non-traditional basketball garb — specifically, hoodies.
What if Carmelo Anthony actually wore a hoodie during NBA games? According to the internet, he’d be the Greatest Of All Time — the GOAT.
Unfortunately, Carmelo Anthony cannot just show up for the Thunder’s opener on October 3rd wearing a hoodie under his jersey — the NBA wouldn’t allow it. Too bad, because he goes from being the GOAT to the 64th best player in the NBA (according to ESPN) once that hood comes off.
If only there were a way we could keep that hoodie on Melo . . . 🤔
Believe it or not, there is, in fact, a secular avenue for Melo to wear a hoodie, and it’s not as far-fetched of an idea as you might think . . . all he needs to do is found his own church/religion: Hoodieism and advocate that according to his religion’s sacred doctrine — The Book of Melo — he must wear his hoodie headgear at all times while on a basketball court.
Back in May, the International Basketball Federation (FIBA) unanimously approved a proposal to abolish the “anti-hijab rule”, allowing for female players to wear hijabs and male players to wear turbans and yarmulkes (and, if he plays his cards right, Melo to wear his hoodie). FIBA Article 4.42, which aims to protect players from being injured by bodily accessories such as jewelry, will no longer include the term “headgear” effective October 1, 2017 in all FIBA-sanctioned competitions. This rule revision should have a positive impact on the global expansion of basketball and establish a precedent for other professional leagues around the world, such as the NBA.
To the best of my knowledge, no NBA player has ever expressed the desire to wear any type of headgear other than a headband during a game (excluding Tim Thomas — who wore a double-headband for 3 games back in the day). However, considering how progressive Adam Silver has been during his tenure as commissioner, it is unlikely that the NBA would offer much resistance if a player were to request to wear headgear. (Besides, it’d be pretty hypocritical for the NBA to not allow a player to wear headgear due to “player safety” considering it allowed Jeremy Lin to play with a jelled-up mohawk that would poke opponents in the eye 2 seasons ago).
Ergo, the concept of religious headgear in an NBA game is already on the league’s horizon — some player just needs to formally challenge the existing rule banning headgear. Had Tamir Goodman a/k/a “The Jewish Jordan” panned out, the NBA would have already been forced to address the headgear rule. But Goodman didn’t pan out, so Hoodie Melo will have to carry the torch for his fellow headgear-wearing brethren.
In the summer months following the FIBA ruling, workout videos of Carmelo Anthony sporting a hoodie began circling the internet.
Pretty impressive, eh? Then, more videos — this time with him rocking a hoodie during pick-up games with NBA players — dropped.
Damn, Hoodie Melo looks unstoppable! Finally, the memes started making their rounds on Twitter.
Are we witnessing some sort of spiritual awakening? Could Hoodie Melo walk on water? By the time Carmelo Anthony got traded from the Knicks to the Thunder this past Saturday, Hoodie Melo suddenly has a cult-following that was larger and more brainwashed than Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. Well, thanks for the First Amendment, in America, cults are akin to religions — just ask Scientologists.
Hoodie Melo’s cult followers need to establish a recognized religion — that’s the avenue for Melo to wear his hoodie. Start the First Church of Hoodie Melo and begin spreading the word of Hoodieism.
Luckily, starting your own religion in the United States is actually rather simple as the IRS “makes no attempt to evaluate the content of whatever doctrine a particular organization claims is religious, provided the particular beliefs of the organization are truly and sincerely held by those professing them and the practices and rites associated with the organization’s belief or creed are not illegal or contrary to clearly defined public policy” (that’s directly from an IRS Guideline concerning tax-exempt organizations such as churches). Basically, a church just has to have some of the following characteristics to qualify as an official religion from our government’s perspective:
- Distinct religious history (see Hoodie Melo’s YouTube videos above);
- Formal code of doctrine and discipline (a hoodie must be worn on the basketball court at all times and scoring points must take priority over all other acts);
- Established place of worship (basketball court);
- Regular services (basketball games);
- Ordained, commissioned or licensed ministers (this costs like $10 online);
- Literature of its own (The Book of Melo); and
- Organized worship (see Twitter).
Ordain a couple of cult members, write The Book of Melo and establish a hoodie-dress code on the court and we have ourselves a recognized religion — Hoodieism. Once the church is established, Melo can use the new amendment to FIBA article 4.42 as a precedent when he appeals to Adam Silver for a religious exemption that would allow him to wear headgear. And there ya have it — Hoodie Melo in the NBA.
Most people probably believed that the Summer of Hoodie Melo hit its climax when he was traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder. It’s all downhill from here, right? He’ll be putting up inefficient 7/22, 20-point games in no time once he loses that hoodie. Wrong!
You’ve been hoodwinked into believing that this was the end of Hoodie Melo — it’s only the beginning, my friend.