Which NBA Team Will Miss the Most High-Fives in 2016–17?
A deep dive into the plight of the uncoordinated white athlete
The Suns’ new metric
When Phoenix Suns head coach Earl Watson recently revealed that the team will be tracking its players’ High-Fives this season, the typical reaction ranged from “man, they’re really taking this analytics thing too far” to “that is the stupidest f&$#ing thing I’ve ever heard!” I’ll admit, my instant reaction was the latter. However, that night I went to the gym and had a revelation that would forever change my perspective on the tracking of High-Fives.
Living without rhythm and coordination
At the gym, I bumped into a guy that I play basketball with and, trying to be cool, I went to give him dap (note: if reading the phrase “give him dap” made you feel uncomfortable, I sincerely apologize — it felt uncomfortable typing it too). Anyways, as I lean in with an open hand, he tries to give me a fist bump…I see this and try to switch to a fist bump…of course, he then opens his hand and leans in to give me dap. The end result is a painfully awkward hug/chest bump/hand grab combination — one of the “whitest” things anyone has ever witnessed. After looking around to make sure that we hadn’t blinded anyone with our whiteness, we both laughed and went on our separate ways — it was clear that this was not the first time either of us had screwed up the simplest form of male-to-male non-verbal communication.
The Revelation
Later that night, I watched an NBA pre-season game and marveled at the choreographed High-Five sequences the players had with one another. I can barely connect on half of my fist bump attempts and there are guys like J.R. Smith, Kyrie, LeBron and Co. that could do this:
This prompted me to wonder how the Suns would chart these sorts of extended High-Five interactions — e.g., if two players slap their hands five times in a row, does it count as 5 or just 1? Does a chest-bump count as a High-Five? And, the “Ah-ha” moment, does it count as a High-Five when 2 white dudes whiff or make minimal contact on a High-Five a la Larry Bird and Kevin McHale above?
A stat for white guys
I’m guessing the Suns’ goal in tracking High-Fives is to attempt to assign a statistical value to team chemistry — what is the correlation between positive player interaction and team success? In actuality, the Suns have stumbled upon a new way to track a player’s “whiteness” — Missed High-Fives (“MHFs”).
Now, when an announcer ascribes a ridiculous string of not-so-subtle, stereotypic attributes to white players — he’s a real blue-collar player; punches the clock everyday; first guy in, last guy out; gets the most out of his talent; gritty; cerebral; sneaky athletic; underrated; game-manager; has all of the intangibles — we can assign a value to that whiteness. Just imagine a broadcaster describing his ‘Unsung Hero of the Game’ by saying, “David Lee, a real gym rat with a high-IQ and a winning attitude, really brought his lunch pail to work today, scoring 6 points, grabbing 12 boards, and missing 7 High-Fives — he’s a guy you’d let date your daughter.” Yup, the NBA needs to incorporate this stat immediately. This might be the best stat since Mark Titus created the Club Trillion.
Another great thing about MHFs is that players can accumulate stats while on the bench — further skewing it in favor of white players. Joe Harris would have led the league in MHFs during his rookie year with the Cavs despite playing less than 500 minutes the entire season. Yep, for the first time since the days of George Mikan, white guys will completely dominate a statistical category. No wonder Robert Swift is attempting a comeback. Someone dust off Matt Geiger and Pete Chilcutt!
The (very scientific) MHFs Formula
I decided to have some fun with the Suns’ new stat and project which team will have the most MHFs this season. Obviously, the number of white guys on the roster is the most impactful variable. However, not all white guys are created equal. Mario Hezonja, for instance, has infinitely more swag than Mike Dunleavy Jr. and thus, will complete a higher percentage of his High-Fives with teammates. Therefore, Non-American white guys project to have 1/2 as many MHFs as American white guys. The other factor that goes into this highly scientific formula is winning. Put simply, if the team is winning, its white guys will have more opportunities to celebrate and hence, more opportunities to whiff on High-Fives.
The formula:
- White Americans on roster = 5 points
- White Non-Americans on roster = 2.5 points
- Projected wins divided by 5
Note: Because NBA rosters have not been cut to 15 at this point, I used the NBA 2k17 projected rosters. I also used ESPN.com’s projected win totals.
The results
The findings
- Losing Kevin Durant may have been a blessing in disguise for the Thunder as they project to get the most out of their abilities and absolutely dominate the MHF-game this season. Over 1/2 their roster is comprised of players who need to stare at each other’s elbows to complete a High-Five.
- Congrats to the Pacers on having zero white players on their projected roster. Team President Larry Bird once took it as a sign of “disrespect” when an opposing team guarded him with a white player. Wonder if this line of logic had anything to do with the Pacers’ current roster construction? Hmmm….
- More on the Pacers —could they go an entire season without a MHF? Imagine the irony of Larry Bird trying to congratulate Paul George on this feat…and promptly whiffing on a High-Five.
- These are not your older brother’s Jail Blazers.
- The Spurs’ middle-of-the-pack finish was shocking — they really lost a lot of grit when they decided to let Matt Bonner walk in free agency, eh?
- 3/4s of Salt Lake City is disappointed in the Jazz’s results .
- Cavs top the Warriors yet again. I’m thinking Chris “Birdman” Andersen might be the one with his shirt off at this parade.
- Finally, let’s hear it for the immortal Mike Miller — he’s about to begin his 17th NBA season — just think about how many MHFs he’s been a part of in his career. His legacy is complete. So pack your bags Luc Longley — there’s a new member of MHFs Mount Rushmore:
The vanilla crème de la crème: Mount Whitemore
— PJH —
