The War On Christmas Is Over, and We Have Emerged Victorious

Warren Benedetto
Dec 11, 2017 · 3 min read

Comrades! Liberals! Members of The Coastal Elite!

The great day of victory in The War On Christmas is upon us! Driven to desperation by our marauding hordes of social justice warriors, the impotent Defenders Of Christmas have been cowed into total and unconditional surrender!

After decades spent pinned under the cold, black boot of Santa Claus, powerless in the face of the Christmas-industrial complex, we summoned the resolve to take a stand. To rise up!

And rise, we did.

We rose up, in indignation!

We rose up, in anger!

We rose up, in solidarity!

We rose up, and with the mighty roar of a thousand angry lions, we proclaimed as one:

“Hey, um, instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, could you just say, like, ‘Happy Holidays’ or something instead?”

“Hey, um, instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, could you just say, like, ‘Happy Holidays’ or something instead?”

“No!” they shrieked. “No, we cannot.”

And thus, they sowed the seeds of their annihilation.

Now, we stand triumphant among the vanquished remains of our enemies, the battlefield strewn with their smoldering, tinsel-draped corpses. Splintered bone fragments and shattered candy canes crunch underfoot, as we loudly proclaim “Never again!”

Never again shall we be hobbled by the crippling agony of a thoughtless “Merry Christmas!”

Never again shall an innocent, non-denominational snowman be defiled with something as profane as a Santa hat!

Never again shall we be driven to madness by the simulacrum of good cheer known as “Jingle Bells!”

Instead, we shall proudly wish each other a “Joyous Wintertime.”

We shall shout from the rooftops of our ivory towers, echoing “Warm Tidings Of Seasonal Glee” across the land.

We shall depart from our liberal arts colleges for “Winter Break,” imploring our multi-cultural, trans-gendered roommates to have a “Delightful December.”

We shall re-cast the world as it should be: unbiased, inclusive, and not making such a big fucking deal over stupid shit like holiday greetings, while thousands of people are literally being machete-raped by child soldiers on the daily.

Today is the dawn of a new era. An era where the environmentally-ruinous tradition of Christmas Tree Lighting is replaced with a new, more-sustainable tradition: the Illumination of the Wind Turbines.

Let there be eco-friendly light

Where Christmas concerts are discontinued, in favor of TED Talks about secular humanism.

Where Nativity scenes are retrofitted to replace Baby Jesus with an infant Elon Musk, the Angel Of Christmas with the Secretary General of the United Nations, and the Three Wise Men with one statue of Hillary Clinton.

Though this is a time of celebration, let us not forget: this conquest, while glorious, comes at a cost! We shall forever be indebted to those who made the ultimate sacrifice, giving their lives so that we may have Starbucks cups decorated with lesbian penguins wearing pussy hats.

By ushering in a post-Christmas world, these martyrs have cleared the way for the Holy Trinity of the secular-progressive agenda: gay marriage, legalized marijuana, and drive-thru windows at Planned Parenthood, for free and convenient partial-birth abortions.

And that’s just the beginning. In due time, more will come. Government-sponsored pornography. Federally-mandated euthanasia. Rich men, raised like veal cattle, to be fed to the poor. These are the true spoils of The War On Christmas!

Now, comrades, as we embark on our annual orgy of godless consumerism in the new Liberal America, I congratulate you again on our great victory. I thank you for your sacrifices. And I wish you all an Enjoyable Federal Holiday, and a very Happy New Year.

Many Snowflakes,

Barack Obama


political humor for the liberal elite


political humor for the liberal elite

Warren Benedetto

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Optimism + time = pessimism


political humor for the liberal elite