Unsolicited
There have been multiple instances that have provoked me to write this article, as I feel like I am not being heard and I need an outlet.
We all have issues. I know I do. Coming up with a solution to problems can be mentally stressing, but I also find the journey with coping with problems difficult. I have started to notice that when I talk about them with someone, and I am given long-winded advice that I did not specifically ask for, I become more frustrated than I have been before I came to them.
Why is that?
They are just trying to help me right?
I would politely listen to them for half an hour, slowly starting to tune them out. I wondered if I was a terrible human being for closing myself off, and whether I was being selfish and close-minded.
When I boldly(?) tell the “generous givers” that I wasn’t seeking advice, they become offended and tell me that conversations should be “2-way” and interactive. It felt like I was shamed for not wanting to hear the opinion of a friend/loved one (whoever I am talking to), even though they were trying to help me out of my situation. I felt reduced to a mere child being lectured to accept their advice.
From reading this article: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/no-one-wants-unsolicited-advice-actually-helps/, I’ve realized there are people out there who are just as frustrated as I am, who don’t need an instant solution to their troubles. When I think about past experiences with friends and family sharing their problems with me, most of them did not specifically ask for any advice. As the article explains it, instead of the receiving end seeing an altruistic intention, this is what they hear:
“I think you’re inadequate and incompetent, and you require my superior knowledge and wisdom to make progress here. Without my help and intervention, you are a helpless victim incapable of dealing with your own problems. You should feel lucky that I’m even putting in my precious time and effort to give you some assistance. Furthermore, I don’t accept you the way you are. I’m making it my mission to change you so that you fit into my ideal of who I think you should be instead of accepting you as you are.”
The words from this passage are the unfiltered version of what many people and I hear. I feel patronized and condescended, and when that resentment starts to surface visibly, the other person doesn’t understand why I was mad when they were trying to help. The feeling that I had from reading this was nothing new. But what resonated with me more was that aside from all the negative perceptions, was this passage:
“Almost every time people complain, they’re not doing it because they actually want a solution to their problems. They’re not doing it because they want our help. They’re doing it for another reason altogether…
To be understood and receive sympathy.
That’s what they really want.
… And more specifically, what they want is for someone to understand how difficult what they’re going through is for them… What people really want when they complain is to have their feelings not only understood but at the same time validated.”
These words broke through all the negativity, contempt and resentment; they are simple, but they mean so much to me. With an ISFJ-T (I know, so extra) personality, I have the tendency of internalizing my feelings because I value social harmony more than hurting someone’s feelings. So during the few times where I am actually willing to talk about my feelings with someone:
I want to be heard.
I want my feelings to be understood and validated.
I want to feel safe.
In this generation, it may be difficult for many to understand this concept as they feel the need to put their two cents in every topic. They feel like they are not helping the person if they are not giving them a solution. “You have a problem? Here’s how you solve it”. It seems logical. But how many times did resolving emotional conflict with logic actually work? If you had a problem that you wanted to talk about, but the receiving end makes it about themselves and put you involuntarily in an inferior position, how would you feel? Chances are, you won’t understand until you are put into that position.
What I look for is for someone to empathize with me, understand the hardships that I am going through, and be emotionally supportive without pressuring me to accept a solution. No amount of logical reasoning can ever connect with me more than understanding and accepting my emotions. Dammit, I’m tearing up as I’m writing this.
Now, I’m not saying that only one person should be talking, and the other person should shut up and only listen. I think that it is a misconception that merely a physical presence while someone is talking about their problems is sufficient for emotional support. Verbal communication about your feelings is a huge part in understanding feelings and providing emotional support, and THAT’S where the 2-way conversation ties in to all this. That’s what you call active listening. Of course, if they say “What should I do?”, that gives the green light; they are willing to step down from their pride and putting themselves in a lower position to hear your opinion.
I’m not sure if this is the “right” way to feel, I understand that this feeling can hurt delicate egos who feel the need to open their mouth for every single topic, but that’s how I currently feel. It’s out there, whether you like it or not. But it’s comforting that I am not the only one that feels this way. At times, I also catch myself giving advice that no one asked for, so I am also working on that. The last time I gave advice that the other did not request, it led to serious consequences, but that’s their story, not mine. I don’t ever want that to happen again.
I am feeling less agitated right now, so I am opening the gate here. If there is something that I am failing to see about this topic, I am open for a constructive discussion.
-V
