Living through pain
An Experiential Learning approach
This is a story about pain.
I have had a headache every day for the past six years. That is 2,191 headaches in a row. For the past six years, I’ve been obsessively focused on the impact my headaches have had on my health, and have not given proper thought to their effect on my character. I will briefly highlight the medical side of my headaches in list form (feel free to scroll past this), followed by my thoughts on what pain means for me as a complete individual.
Primary diagnosis: Chronic daily headache (cervicogenic)
Other diagnoses: Chronic migraine, Fatigue, Chronic daily neck pain
Health professionals visited (numbers denote different doctors seen in same discipline)
- Primary Care Provider (2)
- Allergist
- Pediatric Neurologist
- Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor (2)
- Physical Therapist (3)
- Chiropractor (4)
- Acupuncturist (2)
- Internal Medicine Doctor (3)
- Psychologist (5)
- Neurologist (5)
- Anesthesiologist (3)
- Nutritionist
Health interventions performed (numbers denote separate interventions performed)
- Preventative medications (26 types, 14 drug classes)
- Abortive medications (12 types, 6 drug classes)
- MRI (3)
- CT scan (3)
- X-Ray (2)
- EKG (4)
- EEG
- Echo cardiogram with bubble study
- Botox injections (2)
- Acupuncture
- Restrictive diet
- Biofeedback
- Physical therapy
- Craniosacral therapy
- Lab tests (8)
- Sphenopalatine nerve block
- Frontal nerve blocks
- Supraorbital nerve blocks
- Supratrochlear nerve block
- Facet blocks (4)
- Nerve ablation (2)
- Tilt-table test
- Relaxation therapy
- Occupational therapy
Clinical care settings:
- Dean network clinics
- St. Mary’s Hospital
- Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute
- Chelsea Community Hospital (12 day in-patient stay)
- Mayo Clinic
- Advanced Pain Management
Total doctor and related care visits: 150+
Overall outcome: no change in pain level or headache duration
The level of health care I have received in the past six years has been extensive. The impact pain has had on my life has been overwhelming. I know my story is far from unique. There are millions of people who suffer from headaches, and more who suffer from much worse health problems. But the only story I know is my own; it is the only one I am qualified to tell.
I generally seek to hide my pain. This manifests itself in different ways. I do not hide it from my family. Likewise, I do not deny an answer to friends and acquaintances who ask about my headaches because I know they are asking out of care and concern. There are some, whether they are still in my life or not, that I am eternally grateful to for their care and support. But most people I interact with…friends, acquaintances, teachers, coworkers, classmates…I do not volunteer any information to. I don’t hold an express desire to keep anyone from knowing about my headaches. Yet I also don’t see any reason to tell them such an intimate part of my life story unless there is a specific purpose for doing so.
Mostly, I hide my headaches from myself, almost to such an extreme that it becomes paradoxical. These are my own nerve endings and pain receptors that are creating this pain. It is my own brain that is interpreting these signals. But while my body engages with this problem, my mind seeks to be free of it. I want to run. I want out. It is my coping mechanism, unwittingly created but constantly employed. While I am rubbing pressure points, quietly muttering curses under my breath, my mind is elsewhere, or trying to be. While I am engaged in conversation, my mind is disengaged. I am continuously thinking about medications or the next doctors visit, but never dealing with the pain. I live in fear of my own body, of the pain that it creates and experiences on a daily basis. And in doing so, I become a coward.
Roughly stated, Aristotle believed that man was a product of the experiences he made. To paraphrase from his writing in The Nicomachean Ethics, one can’t become a good builder without ever building anything. He said that while in some things we acquire potential and then exhibit the activity (his examples were seeing and hearing), virtues are gained only by exercising them. A man is not courageous by chance. He is courageous when he encounters events that demand courage and acts accordingly. “By doing the acts that we do in the presence of danger, and being habituated to feel fear or confidence, we become brave or cowardly.”
I used to wonder why I had headaches, why I am forced to live with this pain. I don’t spend time on that wasteful exercise any longer. I used to ask God to take away this thorn in my flesh. I still ask for that, but not as often. Instead, I realize this is an opportunity to become courageous, and I pray for the strength to take advantage of that opportunity. I hate pain, but I do not fear it.
Pain is a part of me, part of my story.
But my life isn’t a story about pain. It’s not a story about fear.
It is a story of courage.
Whatever is happening in your story…be courageous.
