There are three types of men: those who embrace their past and determine their future; those who reject their past and determine their future; and those who, by default, have their past determine their future.

I fear that there are far too many men in the third group. I was one of them.

At 19, my life changed. Until then, I had been on cruise control — sticking with the things I knew: friends, jobs, place of living. I didn’t know very much. It took an event — in my case, 9/11 — to snap me out of my malaise.

For me, 9/11 led to a decision to join the military. As a guy from NY, I didn’t know much about the military, guns, or war. But there was a very clear choice: after 9/11, I could serve or not. The choice would come to thus far define my life.

Through my training, I became more confident, focused, and determined. I learned how to lead men and be responsible. I was in a system and, in order to succeed, had to play my part. I was tested, and did well.

But, more important on a personal level, the military gave me an opportunity to recalibrate — leaving behind my past, I was able to explore new skills, new environments, and new passions. Somewhat unexpectedly, I was set on a path that no longer had my past determine my future. I was … free.

Many times, men need a moment to catalyze change; it doesn’t always come organically. For me, it was 9/11 and the military; for some, it’s college; and for others, it’s their health, career, or finding the right partner.

Determining our future is not an easy thing. It’s not like we start from a neutral position — we come with our own set of baggage, experiences, and biases. We have to move from where we are to where we want to be. There’s no playbook. Even if we realize our situation, the what, there’s no sure-shot formula, the how.

And there’s a great irony at the center of it all. The successful ones — those who have determined their future, regardless of their past — have moved on. They’re inaccessible. So you end up with a conversation dominated by people who share a goal — determining their future — but are unsure of how to get there. For them, their past still defines their future.

I think a big part of being an Expansive Man is shining a light on the where-we-are-to-where-we-want-to-go path. The recipients are often defensive — it’s hard to acknowledge being stuck — and the deliverers are often preachy. But if we could build a bridge between those camps, everyone would be better off. It’s work worth doing.

Originally published at brendanhartdotcom.wordpress.com on October 6, 2014.