The Top 3 New Hire Shenanigans and Advice for Improving
I’ve been fortunate to be a part of a growing organization where I’ve seen a lot of new hires right of out college come in and do some goofy shit, myself included (see Wasabi story). Being that this is an advice and professional development column, however, I figure that some flawless advice to go along with the bad stories will make light of the situation in a similar way that two wrongs could conceivably make a right.
So here they are, my top 3 goofy new hire stories and strategies that should have been implemented in order to climb the corporate ladder and use the situation as a springboard for success.
1: Do You Have Any Money?
What Happened:
We had a new hire on his very first day ask a coworker if he had $10 for cigarettes, mentioning that he could pay him back the next day and that he just had to have them. Had this guy not heard of Venmo? Did he not have $10 in his bank account? Which is more embarrassing??
I saw my coworker’s skin turn from a Deep-Tan-Italian shade to an Italian-In-Winter shade — that’s how disturbed he was. Between two long-time friends? Sure, this request is no problem. But someone you’ve known for like an hour in a professional setting? A little gauche.
My Recommendation?
Double-down on your vice and tell your new coworker (and sucker) that you’re a recovering meth addict and you use nicotine to recover from it. The coworker will admire your resilience and will fork over $10 without a hitch (maybe a $20 spot if it’s Friday)! Campaign for them for employee of the month and you might have a cash line set up for the rest of the year.
2: I Have A Dark Past
What Happened:
After a team building event with new hires at the firm, one of our newest employees came up to us at a table and sat down. After a few moments of chatting about favorite foods, hobbies, and ambitions, the new employee says, completely unprompted: “You guys want to hear a funny story?”
“Guess we’re gettin’ one!”
“I spent a month in jail for getting caught in possession of drugs. It was unbelievably bad luck. Anyways, that shit was crazy man. There was a fight club there and everything. Really nice sense of community, though. Great group of guys and I learned a lot.”
The crazy thing is that our conversation WASN’T EVEN NEAR THE TOPIC OF JAIL, but he still overshared to the fullest. However, I was thoroughly impressed at the employee’s uncanny ability to turn the seemingly private and somewhat embarrassing situation into a W.
My Recommendation?
You’re a part of a team now, bud, and you have to bring some experience into the organization. Instead of yammin’ in our ears about your past at a company event, why don’t you present the idea to the management team for a continuous improvement project. I can see it all now:
“Team, in order to boost morale and our sense of community, we’re going to institute a company fight club. Nothing brings people together more than a good ol’ fashioned ass whooping. And, because we’re a team, participation is mandatory! That means you, too, Gladys!”
It’ll be the best idea ever.
3: A Friendly Warning
What Happened:
As a firm, we’ve always encouraged employees to mingle with new employees to get them comfortable with the environment. One day, it went a bit south. One of our newest female hires was approached by a longer-tenured, also-female employee. She walked up to the new hire and said, “Listen, I’ve been here a while, and all I’ve got to say is that you better watch your back!” with no context at all.
While the longer-tenured employee left the organization, and the new hire thrived, I can’t imagine that was a progressive moment for her.
My Recommendation?
As a new hire, your first instinct might be to report a quasi-threat made to you just joining the company to HR, but that’s too simple and no fun at all. You have to step your shit up and start leaving some ominous threats of your own in retaliation.
Take the opportunity to work with engineers (or researchers, analysts, whomever does the nerd stuff at your company) and develop some elaborate pranks to counter that scorpion woman. Not only is this a team building opportunity, but it allows you to mark your territory. Some pranks could include converting all of their software programs to a different language, hijacking their email to send embarrassing messages to other coworkers, and putting laxatives in their coffee. You’ll be the coolest.
While these stories are (mostly) true, the advice should not be taken seriously. If you do take it seriously — not my fault! You should be arrested!
