Art Therapy: The Power of Visualizing Your Fear
How visualizing the emotions during “emotional flashbacks” helped enlighten the root cause in my subconscious
I managed to reply to this guy friend when I saw his message. I had a physical reaction when I saw the snippet of his message on my phone: repulsion. No, it had nothing to do with him as a person. He’s a good kid, emotionally unstable, but a good, kind, and very intelligent individual.
The problem was that: he showed interest in me once in the past and judging from his romantic involvements so far, he might have a preference for women who are or feel older than him. I happened to have no desire to develop a romantic relationship with him. However, the terror, the feeling of being threatened and unsafe — when I saw his message asking for emotional support — was not normal.
I didn’t know why and was very bothered by my confusion. After all, after starting my healing journey, I had become much calmer, more peaceful, and balanced. The incidents when I was dysregulated have been reduced to the minimum, and if there still were such occasions, I knew the reason behind them, so I knew what I could do to regulate myself again. So far, I have figured out the root causes of most of my “emotional flashbacks”: something your body reacts to subconsciously due to past trauma, but you have no particular memories associated with that reaction.
I decided to write down my dysregulation, so I could consult my therapist and see whether he would have any clue as to what might be the cause. Surprisingly, as I was journaling my thought and experience, I also discovered which memory was likely paired to this dysregulation.
I am a visual thinker and heavily rely on my visual imagination to parse, construct and analyze concepts, patterns and meanings. Naturally, as I was putting down this experience of dysregulation in words, I visualized the threat and unsafety I was experiencing: a gigantic, dark, dangerous predator towering in front of me.
All of a sudden, this image reminded me of a memory I had: the assaulter who violated my body during my sleep when I was a child. I woke up to this faceless silhouette while being fingered. He continued for probably another minute or two before he noticed that I was awake, and he flew away. I didn’t see his face — or maybe I didn’t want to, because he was undeniably one of my relatives. The implication was so traumatic that my brain decided to shut down and protect my sanity.
However, the image of that towering shadow stuck with me after more than 20 years have passed since that night.
I thought I had moved on. I thought I had outgrown that pain. I could even write about this experience without wanting to vomit now. Still, somehow my body, without my permission, grew that memory into other areas of my life — anything that can be interpreted as “male, having a nonreciprocal interest in me” become unsafe, dangerous and can potentially hurt and violate me.
This realization is indeed a revolution for me. I haven’t thought of a way to solve this conundrum yet, but at least now I know where it stems from, so maybe my therapist can help figure out a plan and concrete actionable items with me, so I can finally free myself from this prison of darkness in my subconscious.
