Forgiveness Doesn’t Imply Enmeshment
Don’t give in to irrational guilt. It’s not “either-or”. It’s “yes, and”.
I was responding to a Twitter comment about how success was rarely achieved solely through either hard work or luck. It’s usually a combination of both. I realized that this kind of “duality thinking” was also the cause of persisting guilt after we decided to cut off contact and stay away from a toxic relationship, be it romantic, friend or family.
Problem: We buy into the sickening belief without realizing
The duality thinking causes us to believe in the following logic: If we are not “being there for them”, then we’re just like what they accused us of — selfish, guilty, and BAD.
Toxic people equate “getting someone’s back, being there for them” with “enmeshment”. They are fundamentally two different things. The former requires each person to take accountability for their own decisions. The latter requires two people to feel and think as one entity even when they are physically separate and have no control over each other’s behaviors and thoughts. And if one person doesn’t take responsibility for the other, that person is perceived as “betraying” the contract of “being one entity”.
You’re either responsible for my decisions or you’re guilty!
This kind of “contract” is often one-sided. No communication beforehand. Usually, it is enforced because the other side is in a desperate position, the side in need — the child, the heartbroken, the financially less capable, the sick, and many other lower-handed positions.
Solution: Toss the old contract which we didn’t even agree upon
Once we understand the irrationality of where the “guilt” originated from, we can now calmly put this emotion aside without feeling guilty for doing so. We can finally end the vicious cycle. We are taking the responsibility to care for our health and protect our sanity. We can now see better the illegitimacy of the contract and can walk away from it.
If we want, after we have established a new contract with our inner peace and our boundaries with the outer world, we can approach the people who previously put us through a faulty contract, and see whether they are open to drafting a new contract with us. However, this time, both sides have to agree on the terms.
Yes, I would like to take responsibility for having a healthy relationship with you, and I hope you do the same.
This time, both sides decide, not just one. If one side doesn’t agree on the terms, the contract becomes invalid. And neither side is to blame. It’s a matter of incompatibility on both sides. No one is selfish, guilty, or bad.
My inspiration for this post: How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark
