How “Heal Slowly” Came To Be…
A soul’s journey of trying to find meaning in its existence before dissolving
I remember the time when I binge-watched Netflix for 6 hours straight to run away from the reality I was in. I kept hitting the “next episode” button partially because the series was exquisitely made (The Umbrella Academy, anyone?), but part was also because I wanted to tire myself out to a point where I could just blackout.
I didn’t want to wake up tomorrow. I didn’t want to face another day full of fear and pain. I didn’t have the strength nor the will. It was so dark that I couldn’t see a way out, and the darkness weighed me down so much that I didn’t even want to try.
Then a few breaking points happened in a sequence that forced me to choose:
Do I want to kill myself NOW painlessly (yep, you can do that quite easily actually) or to at least TRY to find a way out before my body naturally gives up?
I chose the latter, well, because I didn’t want to die, I guess. I just didn’t want to live. Since now a lot of burdens had finally been taken out of my life — voluntarily or not and with potential consequences or not — I might as well try this thing called “living”. I thought to myself.
So I started doing everything my therapist recommended doing, even when I had absolutely no desire of doing so:
- Get a weighted blanket
- Start making my morning coffee instead of drinking instant coffee
- Do guided meditations
- Reach out to friends and family who truly care about and love me as opposed to dwelling in my mental cave
- Figure out, set, and prioritize my boundaries
- Go to meetups
- Make friendships and emotional connections
- Be kind, gentle, and patient with myself
Doing all the above opened up a whole new world where I have been encouraged to:
- Discover about myself
- Prioritize my needs
- Accept and be kind to myself no matter what
- Learn that it’s okay to let go of painful past even if I feel guilty for doing so
Most importantly, this new world invites me to feel the soothing power of knowing that:
“I got my back.”
The journey began.
I am so very grateful for it. I don’t know when or whether I would ever find living meaningful or not empty, but at least now it’s not utterly overbearing and exhausting. On top of that, I know I would at least die trying — for certain things, the road matters more than the destination.
Bonus content: Songs that love you
(Inspired by Poems That Love You by Lea Seigen Shinraku)
