Healing Forward
“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13–14)
I spent some significant time this week reflecting on the lessons I learned over the past two weeks related to reorganization at work. Today, I want to share with you a decision I made as a result of this experience that, on the surface, seems small and insignificant, but it is actually a big deal.
This week, I started analyzing my capacity (my ability or power to do the work that I’ve been tasked with doing). We each have a finite amount of energy to devote to achieving or producing something, and I was focused on how my energy was being utilized.
I noticed that since I joined HR in May 2022, I have spent an inordinate amount of energy trying to feel safe in an environment that does not feel safe to me. If I devote 80% of my energy to being safe, that leaves only 20% of my energy to do my job. This is why my performance has not been as high as it has been in the past and why I have been struggling to do things that normally would not be a problem.
Safety is a biological priority, and it is not something we have to think about. However, when we notice that the energy we are investing to be safe far outweighs the energy we have to perform our job, it would behoove us to question why that is happening and figure out what we can do to improve our performance.
I did that this week. From last week’s blog lesson, I recognized that a big part of why I was feeling unsafe was because I was trying to “fit in” to a culture that did not align with my core values. Once I stopped trying to “fit in,” I surprisingly discovered I had much more focus and energy to do my job. Wow!!
That new awareness led me to question what else is consuming my capacity to perform. The answer was so soft and subtle that I almost missed it…it was my past. The past itself was not getting in the way of performing because it is part of me and informs how I operate in the present. Instead, it was the amount of energy I devoted to focusing on the past to understand why I do certain things, why certain situations trigger me, or how I can change limiting beliefs.
When I first started therapy over 5.5 years ago, I devoted myself to my healing journey. As is typical with trauma survivors, I was “all in.” We often see things in black and white and have “all-or-nothing” thinking. I cannot count the number of times my therapist has reminded me that it’s not “all-or-nothing.” My healing journey has consumed most of my capacity since I started down this path.
At first, the motivation was to get out of the intense pain I was in as a result of the unprocessed trauma that I experienced, but once I processed my trauma, the motivation became to “fix, repair, and restore” the damage that trauma caused in my life.
It is difficult to move forward when you continue to look back. Jesus said, “No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62). Let me provide a little more context about why this is important. When a farmer plows the ground, he focuses on a point at the end of the field and continues moving toward that point to create a straight line. When you look back at where you’ve been, you won’t plow straight.
The word “fit” in this verse means “ready for use.” Ouch. That is not to say we shouldn’t have seasons dedicated to preparing to fulfill our purpose. Moses’ season of preparation was 80 years before God called him. However, our time on this earth is much more limited than in Moses’ day. Sometimes, we have to put our hands on the plow (or begin the work we are called to do) and trust God to help us remove any rocks (remnants of our past) that get in the way of the work. We don’t have to be fully healed or restored before we begin the work.
While I put my hand on the plow to begin the work He has called me to do, I realized I was not plowing in a straight line because I kept looking back at my past. Looking back consumed my capacity and took away the energy I needed to move forward.
So, this week, I decided to focus my attention on the point on the horizon where He is directing me to go and trust Him to help me remove the remnants of my past that show up in my present and interfere with the work. I have dedicated time twice a month to deal with the rocks and other obstacles that come up due to the work I am doing during the week, but I will no longer look back or allow those obstacles to hold me back from pushing forward.
I want to be able to say with the apostle Paul, “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13–14)
I have not arrived, but I am pressing forward toward the goal of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I am going to heal forward.
