It’s Not About You
The Power of Connecting With Others
This morning, I was working on a different blog, but it wouldn’t let me write it. That is a Divine sign that I should not try to force it. Usually, when I am on target with the message that the Lord wants me to deliver, it just comes pouring out of me.
When I couldn’t write the other article, I went back to the Lord and asked Him what else He would like me to write about. Immediately something came to my mind and was reinforced by my Pastor’s message this morning.
The challenge was on connecting with others. The Lord has been working on my heart big time this week on this very topic. Uggh. Connection is one of the hardest things to do as a trauma survivor with CPTSD because relational trauma is inflicted by another person. Our natural instinct of self-preservation and seeking safety overrides the Lord’s design for connection. We were designed for connection. In the Garden of Eden, everything was good except for man being alone…that was not good.
When we have been abused by someone who is supposed to care for us, it creates a conundrum between wanting to be safe and wanting to connect. It’s not that trauma survivors can’t connect…we can…it just takes us longer.
We have to wade through all the toxic memories of our childhood before we can get ourselves to the point of deciding whether a person is safe to connect with or not. Our alarm systems generalize all connections as “unsafe.” The “all or nothing” thinking of trauma survivors is in full swing.
Connection with our Creator
This “all or nothing” connection mindset also applies to the connection with our Creator. When we’ve suffered horrific acts against our person, we often have thoughts floating in our mind that question why the Lord allowed this or that…or why He didn’t protect us. The Enemy of our souls plants those thoughts in our minds because he wants us to doubt God’s love for us.
He did the same thing to Eve in the Garden of Eden…he said, “Has God indeed said….?” And then He blamed God for keeping something back from them. That is intentional on his part because he is trying to drive a wedge between us and our Creator, but he does not have our best interests at heart. He is the father of lies.
Many survivors, including myself, struggle with connecting and staying connected to the Lord. I am so used to being a “lone wolf” that I often don’t recognize when I’ve disconnected from the Lord…until I feel lonely and panicked. I am starting to recognize these as clues that I’ve lost my connection with the Lord. The good news is that there is no shaming from Him for drifting…He is glad that we’re back.
Connecting with ourselves.
Some people may not understand why this is necessary, so let me explain. When we go through something horrific as a child with no way to escape, we often utilize a built-in coping strategy called dissociation, which helps us to create a distance between what is happening to us physically and our souls. It is a highly adaptive coping strategy that helps us deal with the unreconcilable nature of the abuse (morally wrong vs. feeling pleasurable).
When we disconnect our minds and bodies through dissociation, we keep a distance between what we feel and think. When you ask survivors how something feels in their bodies, they are often unable to answer your question. That was definitely true for me when I first started therapy. My therapist would ask me where I felt something in my body, and I would look at her like she was speaking Greek…I had no idea what she was talking about.
When we start to heal, we start to become aware of the sensations in our bodies. It is a difficult transition for survivors because the sensations that our amazing brain blocked in the past are suddenly turned on and quickly flood the nervous system. I experienced this in my healing journey, and it was quite overwhelming. Your brain/body has to get used to experiencing the intensity of the sensations that you’ve never felt. Eventually, your brain and body adjust and get acclimated, but it takes a while.
The integration between brain and body is the connection I am talking about. It is a process…a painful process…but an important milestone in the healing journey.
Connecting with others.
Welcome to my world. This is where I have been all week…actually, for the past couple of weeks. I have a definite calling from God to serve trauma survivors and help them with their careers. To serve them, you have to connect with them. Yup…you see my dilemma, don’t you?
As a business owner and coach, I have to connect with my audience, but as a survivor, it isn’t easy. I have wanted to send out an email to my subscribers for a couple of weeks to encourage and nurture them. If you signed up for my email list, I apologize for it taking me so long to work through this…but I’m guessing you understand.
I finally worked up the courage to send out my first nurture email to my list this week, but it was so hard. Afterward, I asked myself why it was so hard to do that, and the answer I got back (not a good sign when you are asking yourself questions and answering them too ;)…ah well, I digress) was because I didn’t know my audience…yet. In order to connect with others, someone has to take the first step, and as a coach, I need to lead by example…so I did.
Usually, when the Lord is teaching me a lesson, He uses a lot of reinforcement to drive the point home…I’m not saying I’m dull; I’m just a slow learner in some areas. This week, the speaker in a class I’m taking talked about how he was supposed to get up in front of a large audience to speak when imposter syndrome hit him, and he became paralyzed with fear. His mind was spinning…you know the drill. Someone backstage with him asked him what the problem was, and after he told this person what was happening, the person asked him who he was focused on right now. He admitted he was focused on himself. The person told him that it wasn’t about him…it was about the people he was meant to serve.
Whew, that story was like a dagger in my heart. Here I was, struggling with how difficult it was for me to send out an email…focused on myself…when I should’ve been focusing on the ones I should be serving. OUCH!
God’s sufficiency ALWAYS overrides my inadequacy. He ALWAYS equips us to do what He calls us to do. It’s not about me…it’s about y’all. Pardon me while I get out of the way, and allow God to work.
Then, during the morning message today, my pastor challenged us to take every opportunity we have to connect with others. Again, that was God’s reinforcement of the lesson He was teaching me.
Learning to connect.
I do not claim to be an expert on connection…I am a student, just like you. If connecting to God or people is difficult for you, welcome to the club…we are in this together.
With that said, it takes courage to connect, but it’s not “all or nothing”…we just have to take the next right step…a baby step…to get us going. So, if you struggle with connection, I invite you to take a baby step forward by letting me know in the comments. Tell me one thing you will do to connect with God or someone else this week.
If you are not ready to put a public comment out for the world to see…that’s OK. Send me an email at cyndi@cyndibennettconsulting.com, and I will answer you. My new friend, Katie, and I have been connecting up a storm via email, and I have enjoyed the exchange greatly. It helps both of us.
As always, you do not have to face this journey alone.
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