Mother’s Day Reflections: Cherishing the Gift of Motherhood
Starting today’s blog has been challenging for me for many reasons, and I procrastinated a long time before I got one word on the page, but sometimes you have to sit in discomfort and wait for inspiration.
Mother’s Day can be a difficult day for many trauma survivors, especially if they’ve had abusive mothers. My heart is flooded with compassion for them. Many people take to social media to show their gratitude for their mothers, and that is like pouring salt into an open wound. I felt similarly on Father’s Day. If this is you, I am lifting you up in prayer today for healing and comfort.
I struggled with Mother’s Day for a time throughout my healing journey. I struggled because I was not the mother that I wanted to be for my children due to my trauma that got in the way. It was difficult to receive gifts and acknowledgment on Mother’s Day because that conflicted with how inadequate I felt as a mother. I still struggle with guilt and regret over how I parented my children.
I struggled because my mother was emotionally absent during my childhood due to her own trauma. The wounds from neglect feel more intense and expansive. It feels like a total body ache/pain that goes on forever, while abuse feels more narrow and defined moments in time.
Through therapy, I came to understand how the intergenerational impact of trauma affected not only my ability to “mother” my children but my mother’s and her mother’s, etc., up the line. I eventually got to the point where I accepted that I did the best that I could…and so did they.
I had to forgive myself or, better said, release myself with compassion from the guilt I felt over not being a better mother. I have asked for forgiveness from each of my children, and they all assured me I was a great mom. Once I released myself from that guilt, I was able to receive their grace, as well.
Now, as a grandmother with significant healing under my belt, I am able to connect and experience attachment with my grandchildren, which I was not able to do when my children were growing up. I understand the importance of attachment. I am more intentional about connecting with them.
I also see my mother doing the same thing with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. While there is still a little part of me that is jealous of the attention that they get from her because I didn’t get that, I am super thankful that she finally figured it out.
Young parents are sometimes so busy with the day-to-day care and feeding of life, perhaps being pulled in many directions that they may forget to really connect and be present with their children. I think this is where grandparents can help to support and compensate for that, and I am thankful for the opportunity to have a “do-over” in this area.
Throughout history, families used to span multiple generations in one household, so there were plenty of hands to love and care for children as they were coming up. But now, young couples move away and take jobs far away from their family’s support. It is hard to raise children on your own, especially during those long, sleepless nights of early motherhood.
Fellow grandmas, we need to keep our eyes open for those young parents who are in desperate need of support, especially in our churches, and love on them like they are our own. Attachment can be earned by substitute grandparents and can, perhaps, change the trajectory of a child’s life.
Well, these are my musings for the day that holds both positive and negative emotions…and the very fact that I can hold both extremes at one time is a sign of healing. Wherever you are on the continuum of feelings about Mother’s Day…I see you…I hear you…you matter…I care.
