Reconnecting with God
“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8a)
This week has been a bit of a struggle for me, and while I am tempted to compare my week to those around me walking through really deep waters, I will not do that. I can only really speak for myself, and since this is my act of worship, I want to share what the Lord did in my heart this week.
Sleep has been an issue for me this week, which is not unusual, but when I have a couple of days in a row of not sleeping, I become very emotional. Did you know that sleep is on the same level as safety in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Yes, it is that important.
“It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives His beloved sleep.” (Psalm 127:2)
As someone who experienced significant attachment wounds growing up, there are still times when I revert back to old coping mechanisms in the face of feeling overwhelmed, even though those wounds have been healed. When I am exhausted, fatigued, and emotional, I find it difficult to use the new coping strategies I’ve learned and instead fall back on habitual coping strategies.
For me, those habitual coping strategies include pulling away from my support system and “turtling,” or pulling into my shell to keep everyone out…including the Lord. It’s like I can’t tolerate any more outside stimulation of any kind.
The good news is that while the Lord does exist outside of me, He also lives within my heart, so there is no way to truly shut Him out.
“O LORD, You have searched me and known [me]. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For [there is] not a word on my tongue, [But] behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. [Such] knowledge [is] too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot [attain] it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You [are] there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You [are there]. [If] I take the wings of the morning, [And] dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light [are] both alike [to You]. For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And [that] my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, [And] skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When [as yet there were] none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! [If] I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.” (Psalm 139:1–18)
While He allows us to withdraw from Him for a season, He never leaves us there. The Spirit that lives in our hearts draws us back to Him, which is what happened to me this week.
One night, I was so tired that I went to bed at 7:15 p.m. without journaling, which was unusual for me. I usually journal to the Lord at night to leave all my concerns with Him for safekeeping through the night shift so I can sleep. However, that night, I was so tired that my brain wouldn’t work to even form words, so I told Him I would journal in the morning.
I woke up the next morning at 4 a.m. feeling refreshed and more emotionally balanced than I had in days, and I did spend some significant time writing to Him. For me, the Lord is not only my God and Savior but also my Best Friend, Counselor, and Therapist.
There is no formality in my journal writing; there are no grammar rules or structure. I am fundamentally dumping everything that is on my heart, mind, and soul to the Lord.
On that particular morning, the Lord made me aware that I was pulling away from everyone…again. There are certain phrases that either come out of my mouth or circle around in my brain that indicate to me that I am in an old coping strategy and when I hear them, I am immediately alerted to address them.
I am not always immediately aware of what initiates the shutdown, but once I reconnect with the Lord, He usually gives me the wisdom I need to figure it out.
In this case, the Lord had been challenging me to stretch and grow in an area that I felt extremely insecure about, and I reacted like a toddler who collapses into a heap on the ground and refuses to get up and move forward.
The Lord is never overly pushy or demanding when it comes to the area of growth, but He is always patiently insistent. You see it throughout scripture, as in the case of Moses and not being able to speak, or Gideon or countless others. In all those cases, the Lord was insistent that they were His chosen vessel to do that particular job and that He would enable them to do it.
The Lord has called me to work with trauma survivors to help them overcome the legacy effects of trauma on their careers. I know without a doubt that I have been called to this work; however, I am not without my own insecurities about my ability to do the work He has called me to do.
God does not call the equipped... He equips the called. It is not about me because I am simply a surrendered vessel for Him to use. His sufficiency is more than enough to overcome my inadequacy.
When God calls you to do something specific for Him, He guides you every step of the way, like He did for the children of Israel through the wilderness. In early December, He led me to a specific methodology (the Xchange Approach) that He was adamant about me implementing into my community and program. I knew what He wanted me to do, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to speak the language or implement the choreographies, so my insecurities held me back from moving forward.
Did I tell you that these journaling sessions can be really long? At any rate, now that I knew what I was reacting to and that He wasn’t going to allow me to avoid it, I asked Him for wisdom and a “buddy” to help show me the way.
I am smiling right now as I think about how the Lord answered my prayer before I even prayed it. That day, I had a meeting with Dr. Cynthia Whitaker from the Xchange Approach Membership, who agreed to meet with me to discuss how to implement this. I know this was a “God thing” because we have so much in common…only God can pair people that perfectly.
As soon as we met, I knew she was the answer to my prayer request…she was my Aaron. It is normally difficult to share your insecurities with someone you’ve just met, but I felt comfortable with her because I knew she was God’s servant who would help me move forward.
She gave me so many rich examples of the language to use with my people and encouraged me to practice the skills that I felt uncomfortable with. It took me three days to mentally process everything she shared with me so I could even talk about it. I am so grateful for her and the connection we were able to share during that meeting. Now that I think about it, that goes back to my 2024 Word of the Year…Connection.
The Lord ALWAYS gives us who and what we need to do the job He has called us to do. He has a global network of servants who work for Him that He can assign at any time. I am grateful that He chose Dr. C to connect with me.
When we connect, or in my case, reconnect with God, we have all of His resources at our disposal. While I am still rather nervous about it, I do have some clear next steps for moving forward and a new friend to encourage me along the way.
Are there areas in your life where the Lord is stretching you and desiring you to grow? Are you resisting Him, like I did, because of your own insecurities? The first step is ALWAYS to reconnect with Him. He will provide exactly what you need to succeed in what He has called you to do.
If you’ve already reconnected with Him, what is the next tiniest step you can take to move forward? Would you be willing to share that with someone for accountability?
