Running the Race
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares [us], and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of [our] faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1–2)
In this week’s spiritual blog, I want to share the next lesson in the series: “What God taught me through this reorganization at work.” In last week’s blog, Peace in the Midst of the Storm, I shared my initial reaction to organizational changes at work and how the Lord shifted my mindset to focus on Him and trust Him with the details.
I really thought I was good after that mindset reset, but I was unaware of how deeply this event triggered my attachment wounds. As the week progressed, I became increasingly dysregulated…even though I desperately tried to focus my mind on the Lord and the truth that He was in control. By the end of the week, I was so activated that I could not function at work, so I had to take a mental health day…which I wholeheartedly recommend, by the way.
I used all the grounding techniques that I teach to regulate myself. I even took my co-regulation buddy (my grandson) for a walk in nature with me, which was very regulating, but I was not out of the woods (literally) yet.
It took a triple brainspotting session with my therapist on Monday to fully dig out of the emotional dysregulation. Without getting into the details of my therapy session, I discovered that I was struggling to try to “fit in” to the dysfunctional culture I was in because it did not align with my core value of authenticity. By trying to fit in, I was violating my own deeply held core value of authenticity, hence the struggle. But I also didn’t want “them” to see how much I struggled. I experienced shame around how much I was struggling.
I didn’t “fit in”…I didn’t belong. Brainspotting is an awesome tool for excavating the deeply held beliefs that hold us back, and I highly recommend it. When I realized that I was “covering up” (the opposite of being authentic) so “they” wouldn’t see how much I was struggling to fit in, my brain asked the question, “What happens if you don’t try to fit in?” “Why would you want to “fit in” to something that doesn’t align with your core values?”
Wow! Those questions were so valuable, and I believe they were Spirit-led. The Bible has countless examples of the Lord confronting His people with questions, and this was the case for me, as well.
Romans 12:2 says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what [is] that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” I was trying to conform to the world I was in at work, and my whole system was pushing back against that in a big way.
I felt immediate relief when I considered what would happen if I didn’t try to fit in. It was like a 100 lb. gorilla fell off my shoulders, and I could finally breathe again. With the weight of that gorilla off my shoulders, I had more capacity to consider other ways of managing the situation.
I reminded myself that I went to HR to do a specific job, not to stay and build my career. I was operating as a contractor for this specific remit. I didn’t have to fit in. I didn’t belong to their culture…and didn’t want to belong. I hope you can feel the relief I experienced with that realization.
I had another powerful realization that fundamentally shifted my whole mindset…I was making myself small because what I had to offer did not fit into their culture. Once I stepped out of trying to fit in, I was free to be who God created me to be…and that felt good.
They do not value or appreciate all the tools in my toolbox because those tools do not fit within their culture and threaten their sense of belonging. I can see that now. The most powerful lesson for me is that I don’t have to make myself smaller to fit in. I immediately felt my confidence returning, which had been dormant for a long season.
My therapist told me a story about seeing a tree flourishing in the midst of a fast-flowing river. She wondered how deep the roots of that tree had to be to keep it from being washed away by the current. She noted that the tree was alone and not with the other trees. Then she made the most profound application by saying, “Cyndi, I think you are the tree in the middle of the river, and God planted you there.” That really resonated with me, and I could feel that in the depths of my soul.
God planted me in the middle of the rushing waters and gave me deep roots to hold me in place so I wouldn’t be swept away. Perhaps I was planted there so people would stop to wonder how it is possible for a tree to thrive amid the rushing water. I did not plant myself there…an Intelligent Designer did that to bring attention to His design.
For some reason, my brain connected the dots to my previous experience participating in triathlons as an Athena (plus-sized woman). I didn’t race against the elite 98-lb. women; I had my own category to race in. I could not keep up with them if I tried because I carried a weight they did not have to carry. Instead, I had to focus on my own race. My goal was to improve my performance in the various triathlon disciplines, not to compete against them.
Hebrews 12:1 tells us to “run with endurance the race that is set before us.” We each have our own race to run. Those of us who carry the burdens of a traumatic childhood don’t have to compete with those who don’t carry that weight. We have our own race to run.
Trying to fit into a category that does not reflect our challenges leads to stress, pressure, and a sense of being “less than.” There is nothing wrong with us…we just don’t fit into that category.
The impact of this brainspotting session was tremendous for me. I want to be able to say with the apostle Paul, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7)
What about you? Are you trying to fit into a category you don’t belong in? Are you expending energy trying to compete with those who don’t carry the same emotional burdens as you? What if you didn’t try to fit into that category? What if you ran your own race?
Leave a comment below and share with me where you are in your journey.
