Seen Through the Eyes of a Compassionate Savior
Spiritually Overcoming the Shame of Abuse
Trigger Warning: rape, shame, violation
As part of my spiritual recovery series that I am doing on Sundays as an act of worship, I want to tackle the difficult topic of shame. I will not go into too much detail about what happened because I don’t think that is the important part, but I will spend some time talking about how I felt based on what happened and how I worked through it with the help of a compassionate Savior.
Shame is an incredibly common response to sexual abuse and one of the most debilitating emotions. I know I am not alone. My shame kept me silent for a long time, but no more.
Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated. (Ed Welch, p.2)
Several years ago, I was processing in therapy the memories of rape from when I was 11 years old through EMDR. It was excruciating, and I was flooded with so many emotions simultaneously. I felt betrayed, disgusted, hurt, and many more, but the biggest one that came to the surface was shame. I remember covering my face, just like in the picture above, with the EMDR tappers in my hands.
Immediately, my therapist knew what was happening (she’s smart that way, you know) and stepped in to provide me with some resources (in EMDR, these are people you identify during the setup process that can help you through difficult situations/emotions). I shook my head “no,” because I didn’t want anyone to see me. That is how shame works. She was pretty insistent on providing me with resources to make it through this memory, so she gave me two choices: her or Jesus (He was on my list, by the way).
The thought of having Jesus see me in all His holiness and righteousness was too much for me, so I chose her because I figured she was already in the room with me. I felt dirty, permanently damaged, and used at that moment. In the processing, my therapist came alongside me in the memory and lifted my chin off my chest, telling me I did nothing wrong. I kept shaking my head “no,” because it felt like I did something wrong and bad, and somehow I did something to deserve what happened.
Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, Jesus showed up in my processing…uninvited (you do realize He doesn’t need permission to show up when His children need Him, right?). He was standing next to my therapist, confirming what she was saying. Instead of seeing disgust, disappointment, and judgment in His eyes, I saw love, sadness, gentleness, and compassion. Of course, I melted into a puddle of tears when I saw His unconditional acceptance.
I was reading a great book by Edward T. Welch at the time called “Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection.” I highly recommend it to those dealing with shame. In this book, the author talked about how the Lord views those sinned against, which was my case, and how He covers them with a white robe of righteousness. The sin done to us does not contaminate us in God’s eyes.
That is what was happening in my EMDR processing of this memory. Jesus covered me with a white robe of righteousness. He still saw me as pure in His eyes. I will never forget the look of compassion and sadness in His eyes. It was a look of understanding. He knew what it was like to be used and abused. He understood. It was so healing to me because if the righteous, holy Savior deemed me to be pure in His eyes, who was I to say differently? It was so powerful for me.
I walked out of the office that day feeling exhausted (totally normal for EMDR processing) and bewildered because I was amazed at what it felt like to NOT feel shame related to that memory. I felt the shame of that memory since I was 11 years old and now in my 50s. That is a lifetime of shame…and now it was gone. It was hard to believe, but it is still true today.
Hope for the Hurting
Shame is a really difficult emotion to process. Sometimes shame is related to things done to us, and sometimes it is something we’ve done. I’ve experienced both. This has been a difficult article to write, and there has been no shortage of tears. More than anything, I want you to see that whether you sinned or were sinned against, there is a loving and compassionate Savior that knows the agony of your heart and desires to release you from the chains that keep you in bondage.
God loves you. Words seem so inadequate in explaining how much God loves you. He has never NOT loved you. There will never be a time when He will cease loving you. Oh, how I wish you could understand and receive the unconditional love of God.
God sees your heart. He knows you better than you know yourself. He sees the pain and agony you are going through. We have a Savior who knows what it feels like to be abused, beaten, and rejected.
God delights in ministering to the brokenhearted. He desires to minister to His children when they are brokenhearted or wounded. He knows just what we need to heal our wounds.
Keys to healing
Speak up. Shame wants us to cover up, stay hidden, and not be exposed, but to heal, we need to expose our wounds to the One who already knows all about them. A word of caution, not everyone has earned the right to hear our story, and there are people who would try to hold it over our heads as leverage…causing more shame. People cannot use our story against us as a weapon if it is already exposed. Yes, start with the Lord because He knows it all anyway. But also, tell one or two people who are closest to you. We need the support and compassion of others too.
‘Fess up. If we have sinned and done something we are ashamed of, all we have to do is confess it. That’s it. He promises to cleanse us and forgive us. No one is without sin. No one lives this life perfectly. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that not all my shame was related to what was done to me. I also did some things I was not proud of, but once I confessed them to the Lord and agreed with Him that they were not right, He forgave me. It was like removing the literal gorilla off my back.
Look up. Look to Him and try to see yourself through His eyes. You are His beloved child. He wants what is best for you. He loves you with an everlasting love.
As we end our time together, I want to remind you that you are not alone. I know this was a difficult subject, but there is so much heartache, fear, loneliness, and isolation related to shame that I thought it was necessary to talk about. Healing from shame has been one of the most freeing experiences in my life.
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