Spiritual Connection
As I was thinking about what to write about for my spiritual healing journey article this week, the first thing that came to mind was “The Crew Moms.” I’m not sure I can complete this blog without shedding some tears, but my therapist always tells me that it’s OK to cry…so here it goes.
When my daughter was a pre-teen, she developed a very close relationship with three other girls from our church. They did everything together and called themselves “The Crew.” As a function of them doing everything together, we, as their moms, also spent a lot of time together, and we ended up being called “The Crew Moms.”
We went on college visitations trips, senior trips, and various other activities together. These girls are still very tight today, even though they went to different colleges and took different paths. I am glad that they have each other to do life with.
But I am also grateful for the Crew Moms, as they have become my dear friends. Building and maintaining relationships is difficult for most trauma survivors, and this is one of the things I have struggled with tremendously.
Left to my own, I probably would isolate myself and not have many friends at all. I can hear my daughter saying, “You’re welcome.” God used my daughter’s close relationship with her friends to help me come out of my shell and build relationships with these dear ladies.
We come from various walks of life…different parts of the country…different histories, and yet, the bond that holds us together is greater than anything life can throw our way.
Over the years, we have prayed, cried, supported, and laughed together. Life has not always been easy for us, but this friendship has become a safe container for me. Our philosophy is to come as you are, you don’t have to fake it, and we will love on you.
It would be hard for me to articulate to them how much they each mean to me without causing us to break into tears. Sitting here in my quiet office and thinking about the monthly “Crew Moms” breakfast we just had this morning, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for their friendship.
The Lord used these ladies to teach me how to trust, hold sacred space for struggles, pray ferociously for one another, and let my guard down to allow myself to be vulnerable with them. I am so blessed to have them in my life.
Relationships 101
Struggling to have and maintain relationships is one of the defining elements of CPTSD. It is understandable because the trauma we suffered as children was relational in nature…it was inflicted on us by a person.
There are many verses that talk about how it’s not good for people to be alone and how two are better than one, so I won’t go into that. But if you are struggling in this area, please know you are not alone.
Here are some things you can do to start working on this:
1. Start with one. Building trust with another person takes time. You can start with your therapist or coach. I recommend starting with your therapist or coach because they can hold that safe container for you. Your trust issues will inevitably come up in the context of the relationship, but it will be safe for you to work through it.
2. Go slow. When you venture outside the therapeutic relationship, move slowly to allow your nervous system to adjust. Sometimes, as trauma survivors, we are so happy to have a friend…any friend, that we dump our baggage on them and expect them to be there for us. Brene Brown uses the analogy of a marble jar to explain how people earn the right to hear our truth one marble at a time.
3. Get comfortable with the rupture and repair process. I had no idea what this was until I got into trauma therapy. As a trauma survivor, if I ever had a conflict in any of my relationships, I would sever the relationship immediately because it was no longer safe. My therapist taught me that you could actually work through the rupture to repair the relationship, which was totally foreign to me. We have had to do this several times in our therapeutic relationship, resulting in our relationship becoming stronger.
I will not overwhelm you with more steps, but this is a good start. Having and maintaining relationships takes some work, but I have learned from my sweet friends it is so worth it.
To my Crew Moms (you know who you are), I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. Your friendship means more to me than thousands of gold and silver.
If you would like help with creating and maintaining relationships, please get in touch with me for a free discovery call.
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