Repealing & Replacing the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) — Metaphorical and Overly Dramatic Bridge Version

Dude #1: So, this bridge is really annoying me. I mean, I don’t use this bridge — I’ve got a private bridge that’s better — but this bridge represents everything that the bridge-builder stood for, and I hate that guy. Let’s take it down.

Dude #2: Look, I didn’t like everything that guy did either, but he’s still in charge for another week. And if the bridge comes down, how will people cross this giant gorge?

Dude #1: Oh, we’ll build a better bridge at some point.

Dude #2: Right, at some point, but what about until then? Shouldn’t we have at least a rickety wooden replacement before we destroy the bridge that’s already here?

Dude #1: Nope. The most important thing is to repeal that bridge, and worry about replacing it later. Besides, it’s not just a bridge — it’s symbolic of our dismantling the administration of that bridge-builder. Besides, most people can afford to go around the gorge.

Dude #2: But what about people for whom it’s not just a symbol but an actual bridge that enables them to move forward, to go to work and make a living to support their families? And what of those who can’t afford to go around? Or who are ill or have pre-existing conditions that prevent them from crossing the gorge?

Dude #1: Don’t worry. The next bridge will be better. Mostly because it wasn’t created by THAT guy. Pretty sure anyone could make a better bridge than THAT guy. Besides, our guy makes the best bridges, the most tremendous gorge-crossings.

Dude #2: Sigh. I’m not sure local citizens will agree.

Dude #1: I’ve already thought of that: firstly, we’ve learned that the locals are split 50/50, more or less. So this decision will probably be popular with as many people as it will be unpopular, so let’s consider that a victory.

Dude #2: Um, sure. For the sake of argument. And secondly?

Dude #1: Secondly — and this is the genius part — we vote on it when half of the locals are asleep and can’t tweet about it until till the morning, when it’s already a done deal.

Dude #2: [Shrugs] Isn’t that deceptive?

Dude #1: Look, we didn’t become leaders in the bridgebuilders union through a popularity contest.

Dude #2: Actually, we literally did. People believed in us, so they nominated and chose us.

Dude #1: OK, fine, but we’re the ones they chose, so we should make the decisions we think is best. I mean, they can’t be trusted…or at least, 50 percent can’t be trusted…so we’re the tie-breakers.

Dude #2: I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to work.

Dude #1: That’s absolutely the way it’s supposed to work. Because ‘Murica.

Dude #2: [Slowly nods, coming to terms with it] Because ‘Murica. [hears a noise in the distance] What’s that?

Dude #1: Probably the low hum of the disenfranchised.

Dude #2: It seems like it’s getting louder. Maybe we should reconsider?

Dude #1: Oh, grow a pair. Reconsidering is for Democrats.

Dude #2: [Sighs] So after we’ve stripped people of their ability to access what they need on the other side of the gorge, what’s next?

Dude #1: The question isn’t “what’s next,” my friend. [Dude #1 puts his arm around Dude #2 and the two gaze into the distance together.] The question is, “what ISN’T next?”

END