To You; The One Who Wants To End It All
You don’t know me, but I know you. You can’t see me, but I see you. Today was hard, wasn’t it? Yesterday, too. The day before that was worse, and before that? Before that you can’t even remember when life was worth it.
All my friends, and even my family, they just didn’t get it. They didn’t get how dark my mind was every day, all day. They didn’t understand how hard it was to get out of bed, and go through the daily motions, thinking to myself “what’s the point?”
What’s the point? I thought that a lot.
Life can often seem like an endless roll of doing the same thing, over and over and over again, with no change, and no direction. It’s hard for people to understand that sometimes life just doesn’t hold meaning. It isn’t that you don’t love other people. Your family, your friends. You love them. Of course you love them. You know they’re trying, and you know they’d do anything for you.
You don’t want to hurt them.
But the weight of carrying so much and feeling so much, but still being completely numb? It’s unbearable sometimes. Your heart hurts, doesn’t it? Your mind does, too. You hate your mind. You want it to just stop. “Stop being stupid” was something I told myself daily. I’d think, “Just be like other people, be normal. Why can’t you be normal?” Do you do that? Does that happen to you, too? Then do you hold in a wave of emotions so intense you’re afraid if you let it all out you’ll drown not only yourself but everyone else around you?
I did.
I was so afraid I was ruining everyone else’s lives because I couldn’t keep myself together. I was a mess. I didn’t see a way out, or a way up. All my tomorrow’s felt empty. Do you know how that feels?
Yes. You do, don’t you. I know you do. That’s why I’m writing to you. You; the one that wants to end it all. You, the one who feels this life is without meaning and without direction. To you.
I hear you.
I see you.
People will tell you it’s a choice, living. You choose to live. Be that as it may, choosing to live is, in many ways, the hardest thing we may ever have to do. Choosing to live isn’t as easy as they make it sound. They don’t see the battles we fight, they don’t understand the war that we wage. They try to help, and we know they love us because they try. But we fight, in many ways, alone, and in the dark. So to you, the warrior. The next time you’re in that fight, think of me. When it happens, when you get to that place where the emotions drive you, and you want to end it?
Don’t.
When you think of your friends, or your family, and you think their lives would be better without you;
stop.
When the stress, and anxiety, and depression overwhelm you and you can’t see a single ray of light anywhere around you?
Sit. Breathe.
I am sitting next to you. I am in the dark with you. You can’t see me yet, but I can see you. Eventually you will see. Eventually the darkness won’t be so thick. Eventually the battle will end, and this will get better. You will get better. You will. Life is hard, you know. It is. Does that ever change? Yes, actually, it does. It changes when you close your eyes and you breathe through those hardest moments.
It changes when you take your power back. Your power. That mind you hate? It’s still your mind. Take charge of it. Find a way to heal it. That heart that’s shattered? You have the strength to put the pieces back together in your own way, and in your own time.
Don’t be afraid anymore. Reach. Reach up, reach out. Ask people to help you, don’t be afraid of them, and don’t be afraid of yourself. You can, and you will, find a way forward. There’s a path away from this road of no tomorrow.
It’s called the path to tomorrow.
You aren’t alone in the dark, and you never will be.
Remember how strong you are.
Believe in yourself.
You will beat this.
You will see.
Written by Jess Cloward, contributing member of Suicide Sucks.
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