A Whirlwind Romance or Warning Signs of Abuse?
One of the first red flags that indicates physical violence may be on the horizon in a relationship is when one party plays the role of the “rusher.” A rusher is someone who jumps to the next phase of the relationship too quickly but disguises it as their need to be with you because you are soulmates or deeply in love. Sometimes this is “I can’t live without you” love, but it should be cause for concern in many cases.
It isn’t uncommon for a rusher’s behavior to go unnoticed or even celebrated by their partner because passionate, whirlwind romances tend to be romanticized by society. The abuser initially rushes the relationship to violate the victims boundaries, which begins the sequence of events and sets the stage for domestic violence.
Moving in together within one month of meeting is not necessarily indicative of soul mates; rather, it is possible that jumping to the next phase in the relationship too soon can be dire for the victim because the rusher gains some sort of advantage.
Other signs that may accompany a rusher, but not always, are:
- minor jealousy which you may interpret as a sign of love or label as “cute;”
- mistreatment of your pets;
- lying or exaggerating about who they are or what their interests are to appeal to your lifestyle such as saying they are religious, rich, working, or know certain people that later prove false;
- control and/or isolation by convincing or manipulating you to cancel engagements with family, friends or work no matter how big (a family dinner) or small (a weekly phone call to a friend or giving a friend a ride);
- previous restraining order(s) or domestic violence charges which were dismissed or that the abuser explains as a misunderstanding (dismissal of charges does not equate innocence);
- a temper that reveals itself in small forms such as slamming a door, raising their voice while you are driving, punching a wall or cursing at you;
- a disregard for your questions by leaving questions unanswered or ignoring your questions all together;
- sarcasm at your expense, which is posed as teasing, whether in private or in front of others;
- rushing you to be intimate or more physically involved when you are not ready;
- consistently showing up unannounced, whether it be at school, work, home or social settings;
- using attention as a reward and punishment such as giving you attention when you comply with their wants and ignoring you when you don’t;
- shaming you;
- a grandiose sense of self which may be interpreted as confidence;
- trivializing your feelings or concerns, which causes you to feel crazy or irrational, i.e. “crazymaking behavior;” and
- playing practical jokes at your expense that demonstrate risky behavior such as leaving you somewhere unfamiliar without a ride, or pretending they are going to hit you but hit the pillow instead.
Not all of these characteristics need to be present to indicate you are with a rusher or that there is a potential for abuse. If you are with a rusher and you try to pump the brakes but he insists on moving forward, this should be a red flag if not a hard stop in many cases. If you feel uncomfortable with the rate at which the relationship is progressing and your partner questions your feelings or pressures you to change your mind, there is cause for concern.
Always trust your gut. Humans have a hard-wired survival instinct no different than cavemen, which developed as a necessary means for spotting predators and prey dating back thousands of years. If you get a funny or uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, your body is telling you something is off.
While your conscious mind may overlook warning signs, your subconcious is always working behind the scenes to piece together events and behaviors so it is prepared to warn your conscious self of potential danger. You might not understand why you feel uneasy, but the important lesson is to trust your gut when you do feel uneasy. You feel uneasy for a reason.
