Begging Your Partner for Commitment? Think Twice. Promises Are a Substitute for Faith
-by Allison Manzi
Our experience in this lifetime has to take priority over the comfort and stability of relationships we’ve outgrown. We are the only ones who will suffer otherwise. It’s the only reason for any of my breakups.
I left a 7 year partnership that I promised forever. It was devastating for both of us. But now, 3 yrs later, we are so glad we parted. The space allowed us to become the people we truly wanted to be. We are equally grateful of the time we spent together, because it also helped us become the people we truly wanted to be. We can appreciate both elements of a relationship. I think knowing that, is freedom. It’s permission to let go. It can be “and”, not just “or” — happy together and happy apart.
It took me SO long to heal. When I walked away, I certainly didn’t have the same retrospective peace I have now, after years of growth. It wasn’t this Ghandi-esque, c’est la vie attitude. It was gut-wrenching. But I knew that what I would lose if I stayed, would be far worse than what I’d lose if I didn't. The hardest part of it all, was letting go of the “idea” of the partnership. I had a projection in my head about how this relationship would play into my life. It was the building blocks of everything I was looking ahead to. I was letting go of my plan — crumpling the paper and starting from nothing. Once this “decided future” was gone, that meant the future was unknown. And that terrifies us.
Fear of ambiguity is a hardwired instinct for us, but we have evolved far beyond this survival-only, animal mentality. As spiritual beings, ambiguity is the whole point. What would be the purpose of a predetermined life? Why even live it? Why make choices? Why learn and grow and experience the journey? At that point, why even be conscious? We’re not supposed to know — and we couldn’t possibly — even though we try with all our might.
We try to control the unknown because it makes us feel safe. Without superpowers, our best effort at this is to make promises, and we ask others to make promises in exchange. It’social currency. Comforting words that however true or false, allow us to believe that nothing will change. Mortgages, job tenure, marriage, investments, etc. In relationships, we promise the future, we promise forever, and we promise every version of ourselves for the next 80 years. But, how could I promise something I have no power over? How can I promise, now, to give something away, that I don’t even possess of my own in the first place?
And it’s not our fault when we change. We’re not liars. We’re not a disappointment. We’re just humans that will never have the ability to foresee the incredible growth that lies ahead for us. And we’re constantly asked to. We’re asked to predict the unpredictable and then we’re demonized when we guess wrong. When we grow. When our hearts evolve. When the things that bring us happiness, or the things we need most, shift naturally as our life undulates. The most beautiful part of life — the journey and our subsequent evolution — is stunted at the sake of curbing other people’s fears. But I couldn’t make that trade. It took me 7 years, but I broke a forever promise.
We’re not bad people, we’re just hungry hearts that have to depend on optimism… that what we have now will always stay. We have to live that way, with hope. But hope is a replacement for certainty, and guarantees are a replacement for trust.
Maybe we should ask ourselves, why do I need this promise? Because maybe we don’t and we’re just following suit. Maybe we’re lucky enough to find someone to grow with us. To expand and shift and breathe alongside us.
And maybe it’ll work forever. But maybe we can just give it the space to exist.
Maybe it’s not that we have to stop breaking promises.
Maybe we can just stop promising what we can’t. And maybe we can just feel safe in our choice.
Maybe we can trust our path and our love, and allow it to unfold as we do.
Maybe we don’t have to cling to the good things so tightly that we strangle them.
Maybe we don’t have to subject the Gods to death by making them mortal.
Maybe instead, we can just have a little faith.
