You can find your glitter again. Read on.
Divorce can break you, but it can heal you too
Open letter to MacKenzie Bezos Scott, Melinda Gates, and you
Dear MacKenzie Bezos Scott, Melinda Gates, and you:
I’m so sorry you’re going through your divorce. I don’t know much about the fishbowl you may live in, but I know about the brutal discovery process that comes with self-reinvention. Please interpret this letter only as support; I have no judgments or agendas for this letter, simply feeling that the world often isn’t kind to strong women who have the nerve to want better. I felt compelled to reach out from the other side of the healing and let you know that you will be okay. You’ll pull together your shattered self and learn new places to glitter. Getting to the glitter may be hard but can be a truly rewarding process.
In the spirit of support, I’ve listed 10 things below that I hope you’ll do for yourself through this process:
1) I hope you take your time digging through remnants of your old identity, dreams that have gone stale, and treasured possibilities. Letting go of what could have been was the hardest for me. As you navigate through your loss, I hope you’re surrounded by true friends sharing deepest fears, truths, and sangrias. I hope your tears are wrapped in laugh-snorts and almost-peed-my-pants talk about rat-finks and girl trips to make your heart feel lighter. You deserve the beauty in those moments. I hope you treasure those who listen while protecting your confidence and use this experience to become a better, stronger, kinder you. And journal; it can save your life. Journal in shorthand code if you worry about uninvited eyes. I know one woman that made her son promise to burn her journals if she’s in an accident. I go back to old journals to appreciate my journey and give myself strength for new adventures. If you decide to use this reinvention process to create your next book, count me in to purchase your first copy. Supporting each other makes us stronger.
2) I hope you learn to master your fears. We all have fears that drive us but braving them changes everything. If you haven’t already read Brandon Webb and John David Mann’s book Mastering Fear — A Navy SEAL’s Guide, I’d highly recommend it. When you master your fears, you’ll discover your true power and self-confidence. I’d also recommend any of Brene’ Brown’s books. If you’ve read them, reread them and see if you gain something new. I’d suggest ordering Mastin Kipp’s book ‘Claim Your Power’ to work on root causes of your trauma. If you’ve already tamed your inner voices, keep kicking ass!
3) I hope you learn that the failure of your marriage has no relationship to failure as a person. When my lover cheated, I first related that back to possible personal deficiencies — forgetting that magic relationships are filled with deep connection, give-and-take, and communication. I hope you give yourself grace for any self-proclaimed failures and treat yourself as kindly as one of your children going through similar circumstances.
4) I hope you don’t take it personally when your “couples” friends no longer associate with you in the same ways. You simply don’t fit in the same circles. You’ll also find women who suddenly feel insecure because you are single and chatting with their partner; please don’t take this personally either. It’s painful to feel the same on the inside but be perceived differently. This is just part of your journey. Keep your eyes on your target: becoming the best version of yourself. Allow your old friends to fade if they can no longer participate in your new adventure. It’s their loss!
5) I hope you exercise self-compassion because the relentless introspection of your flaws breaks your own heart. In fact, I hope you’ll become your own shero and truly connect with YOU. What do YOU want? How do YOU feel? We often put our own wants and needs on ice when we’re building strong family units. We forget to check with the person in the mirror as our biggest fan. Your inner critic can take over and feed you relentless chatter of things you screwed up, forgot, failed, weren’t perfect at, didn’t do enough, or otherwise missed the mark. In short, we lose our way. A woman feeling the fire of inner connection can light thousands of other lanterns. A disconnected woman struggles to warm herself. As women, we often hide behind our spouses, our children, and our causes. It’s time to stop hiding. Finding your own self-compassion allows you to offer compassion to others. This world needs more kindness, so please be kind to yourself.
6) I hope you learn the power of multi-page forgiveness letters that begin with rage and end with acceptance, not forgetfulness. I hope you burn the letter as soon as you write it so that it can never be used against you. My forgiveness letter to my ex-spouse took 16 pages of rage, but the difference was deeply noticeable. (Full disclosure: I needed to write multiple forgiveness letters and I burned them all. You should too.) Writing forgiveness letters allowed me to release hopes, dreams, and emotions that were no longer his business; they were my responsibility and I chose to honor them. I hope you forgive yourself for anything you’ve said or done that didn’t meet your own standards and I hope you relax those standards to allow for your own humanity.
7) I hope you remember your curiosity and your joy and your silliness and your sense of adventure. These were your true superpowers as a child and deserve to be rediscovered.
8) I hope you release self-judgment because judgments create beliefs that create thoughts that create actions. These self-judgments skew life views and may need to be cleaned out before you can love again. I hope you chose to love again. The fact that your ex-lover moves on first has nothing to do with your success in the future partner arena. We often grieve longer when we’ve invested more equity into the relationship. And can I just say — if you decide not to move on — if you decide to invite your ex-lover over for an evening, a weekend, or whatever — good for you. Others may have judgments about what you need. Don’t listen. The heart wants what the heart wants. You just do you — and let everyone else do whatever they will with that. Find joy — it’s your life mission and the secret sauce.
9) I hope you don’t worry as much about your kids. Your kids will be fine when you’re fine. I hope you don’t isolate your kids from your feelings. In some ways, seeing you process your emotions gives them the freedom to express theirs. I hope you let them know that you’re processing, getting help, that love is sometimes messy, that sometimes you put your whole heart into it and it just doesn’t work out the way you expected and to keep choosing love. It’s the best, most precious gift you’ll ever give your children who will fight their own battles with love. It’s just truth.
10) I hope you bloom. Whatever that looks like for you, we need more women blooming and loving their lives. You have the power to bloom — find your tribe, find your courage, find your life purpose, find your joy, and love the heck out of it. Do the best you can every single day. Find a reason to make the world a better place for yourself and bring others along with you.
Granted, these are outcomes and you may be looking for processes, so I’ll offer a few: 1) turn the radio off when you get in the car and just think of things you’re grateful for, like: a) I’m driving along on a smooth highway instead of a horse-drawn wagon or b) I have the right to vote or c) I am healthy and my children are safe. It can be anything! Listen to Elvis singing his high-vibration songs and car dance like nobody’s business. Create a playlist and share it with the world! Ask yourself every day — does this feel good? Do I want this in my future life? If not, how do I solve this issue without doing this? Become an inventor, a magician, a person that makes things happen. Find your inner sparkle.
You’re in the world spotlight as you go through your reinvention and I can’t imagine how scary that is.
Find your way.
Wrestle your demons. Embrace fear and use it as fuel. You can do this. You have the resources, the intelligence, and the courage — otherwise, this would not be showing up. If you need therapy, please get help. There’s no shame in that game. Look at the new ways of dealing with stress, like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or yoga, meditation, nature walks, or other modalities. All of it holds value if it speaks to your heart.
Once you’ve put the shattered pieces back together, you may not look, act or sound like the person you were before. That’s okay. Use this process to discover the new you, the true you. Don’t allow others to weaponize your feelings. Lean into your feelings and truly feel them. Cry. Snot. Blow. Repeat as often as you need. We only cry when it’s important. When we’ve truly honored our feelings, they completely release and allow us to get to solid ground where pushing our old buttons don’t get the same results. You can do this. Remember the fierce warrior you once were — she’s still inside you. From the peanut gallery, I’m rooting for you.
Please forgive the liberties I’ve taken with your life and assuming I know anything about what you’re feeling. It is not my intention to hurt. If that is your interpretation, I deeply apologize and wish you well. Glitter on!
Thanks for reading the Real Life Resilience publication
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