10 Reasons Why It’s Time For Marriage To Go
Marriage wasn’t designed for love, sweetheart.
I celebrate divorces. And break-ups. No, I’m not a sadist — at least outside the bedroom *wink.* Just kidding. I’m more like the best ice cream base flavor: vanilla.
ANYWAY, I celebrate divorces because it takes courage to leave a situation that’s wrong for you, not knowing what awaits.
I also celebrate weddings. And get a little too excited for my friends when they finally start dating the stud they’ve been dropping hints about for months. Just as it takes guts to leave a bad situation, it also takes courage to commit to another person. For whatever length of time.
Human connection is beautiful, and it’s worth celebrating and supporting as well.
And yet, as non-judgmental as I try to remain with regard to others’ relationships, I can’t help but cringe every time I hear that oh-so-traditional verse from Ephesians read at a wedding (you know the one — “wives, submit to your husbands…”). Gag.
I’ve watched too many a strong, capable woman stand at the altar and straight-up submit themself to some guy she met on OK Cupid. Listen, I know he makes a mean ratatouille and tries his best to put the toilet seat down, but that doesn’t mean you need to be nothing more than Mrs. Ratatouille Guy now, Ashley. Somewhere, Lucy Stone is rolling in her grave.
Regardless, religion isn’t what I’m putting on trial here — it’s marriage. Yes, the entire institution. The twisted, broken, mutilated husk of an institution that should have gasped its last dying breath with the ratification of the 19th Amendment.
Since it’s somehow survived into the 21st Century, here are 10 reasons why marriage (finally) needs to die:
1. The purpose of marriage is no longer relevant.
I know you’ve been binge-watching 90 Day Fiancé during the pandemic, but marriage wasn’t designed for love, sweetheart. It’s a business contract.
Marriage was originally created to serve a number of purposes. Namely, it was a great way for families to expand their labor forces, pools of resources, and power in society. It was also a great way for men to ensure they were passing their wealth on to kids who were actually theirs (hence the weird obsession with virginity, but we’ll get to that later).
Voluntary marriage for love only became common within the last 250 years. This comes as less of a shock when you consider that gay marriage was only legalized in the US in 2015 and marital rape wasn’t made illegal in all 50 states until 1993. Yes, seriously.
Why try to force marriage to fit our modern mold? It served its societal purpose. Now let it die a noble death.
2. The “one man/one woman” marital arrangement was designed to quell uprisings.
Before you beat me over the head with your religious text of choice (I feel like the e-book versions might hurt worse, but are you willing to risk your iPad just to inflict additional pain?), we’re talking about clearly recorded history here, folks.
Early marriages were often arrangements of one powerful man with hundreds or even thousands of wives. To a lesser degree, some societies featured one woman with several “brother-husbands,” usually in areas of the world with limited fertile land and the need for consolidation.
As Ayesha Faines points out in this outstanding piece, though legions of women may sound like a dream to some, this extreme polygyny created a big problem (you know, besides the whole women-as-property/forced marriage thing): there weren’t any women available for poor men.
With nothing to lose, these men often banded together in violent uprisings to claim wealth and women for their own.
In fact, as Ayesha states, “even today, polygyny is a key feature in all of the 20 most unstable countries on the Fragile States Index.” It’s true. The Greeks and Hebrews, and later the Romans, were some of the first civilizations to severely limit or outlaw polygamy. Rich and powerful men still had plenty of access to sex with concubines and slaves, while poorer men were satisfied with a much larger pool of potential wives.
Monogamous heterosexual marriage might seem like a tale as old as time, but in reality, it’s more like a tale as old as the historical moment when rich dudes stopped hoarding women. You know, so the poor guys wouldn’t stab them. And therefore…
3. It’s inherently unequal (hint: it’s not great for women).
I’m not talking about relationships here — but marriage? Yeah, marriage still isn’t equal. Skeptical? Name one man you know who’s taken his wife’s last name.
“But, Aaron!” you protest. “That’s just a sweet, symbolic tradition. Besides, isn’t it important to share a last name if you’re having kids?” Sure. And if marriage was equal, men and women would simply pick the last name they liked better. Or make up a new one. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about building something new together?
But this one is hardly limited to last names. Until the ’70s, women in the US couldn’t open credit cards without their husbands. Women didn’t have the right to decide on the distribution of community property. Basically, a woman could earn money, but her husband got to decide how to spend it. Ouch.
And this isn’t all in the past — marriage is still substantially more beneficial to men’s careers than women’s. Married women also do the majority of housework, even when they are their household’s primary breadwinners.
Google something like “is marriage inherently unequal” (don’t question my research methods, damn-it!) and, depending on your location, your top result will be an article linking to this absolute piece of garbage (sorry, rubbish — this one’s British) of a study claiming, “men’s brains aren’t wired to notice housework.”
It’s complete with an image of a fucking I Love Lucy couple in which the woman is literally wearing a maid’s apron while the guy (“chap,” sorry, British) smokes a pipe IN HIS KITCHEN. And it’s not used ironically.
Anyone claiming men and women “are a certain way” is inherently sexist. Anyone claiming women are naturally tidier needs to visit the apartment of literally any girl you match with on Tinder. Men, there is no excuse for “not noticing” disorder around the home. Fuck you, Catholic Herald.
4. It’s inherently possessive.
This point and the last one go hand in hand. Historically, possessiveness was pretty obvious. Just look at the obsession with virginity. Men wanted to ensure, as much as possible, that they had fathered any children their wives bore (again, gotta make sure the carrot farm isn’t really going to the son of Sir Hugh the Sexy or some shit).
Virgin wives were a man’s best guarantee of this and were therefore considered more valuable. Virginity was essentially a “Grade A+” rating for a woman. And essentially making a bride a product. A commodity, even.
While the obsession with virginity, dowries, and bride prices have diminished in Western societies, marriage here is still pretty possessive. Take finances, for example. Both parties in a marriage, unless they sign a contract that says otherwise, combine certain assets when they are married. In most marriages, couples are expected to open joint accounts and further intertwine their financial lives.
Each, in turn, sacrifices independent control over their finances. With 80% of married people admitting to spending money secretly, it’s easy to see how financial possession leads to rebellious clandestine behaviors.
Marriage also legally restricts sexual relationships, with 6 states maintaining Alienation of Affection laws as scorched-earth divorce methods. There’s nothing wrong with monogamy, but when the state places legal authority behind the restriction, it kinda takes away from the whole “trust” thing.
And finally, there’s still the matter of name changes, expected share of the chores and childcare, and the whole “wives, submit to your husbands” thing (from Ephesians 5). 65% of Americans are Christians, so this counts, people.
If you’ve ever been involved in writing a Christian wedding ceremony (my heathen ass has written 3), you’ve come across this verse. I guarantee it was accompanied by a warning saying it was often “taken out of context.” Listen, I was a Sunday School teacher back in the day. I’ve read Ephesians. That “context” doesn’t change shit about the verse or its meaning. It reinforces the message as written.
5. Marriage doesn’t equate to love or long-term commitment.
With 99% of people in monogamous marriages saying they expect their spouse to be sexually and emotionally exclusive, we can safely assume that cheating is a no-no. Yet the American Association for Marriage and Family reports that about 15% of married women and 25% of married men have had extramarital intercourse. Those numbers spike to 35% and 45% when you include emotional and non-intercourse sexual relationships.
4–9% of married couples are in some form of open relationship. That means between 26 and 88 percent of monogamous marriages include a spouse who has engaged in some form of cheating, though the real number is probably closer to 30–40%. With 16% of couples surviving an exposed affair and almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce, that means — extremely generously — only about 44% of marriages don’t result in either cheating or divorce.
That doesn’t mean those marriages are problem-free. Almost 20% of marriages involve some form of physical abuse. Emotional abuse is even more common. Almost half of all married couples argue regularly about finances, and as I mentioned earlier, 80% of married people have spent money secretly. 20% report having a secret credit card.
We could go down an absolutely horrifying rabbit-hole of depressing marriage factoids, but I think you get the picture. Less than half (and probably a lot less than half) of marriages survive without cheating, abuse, financial issues, or divorce. Of those who stay together, many couples stop putting in effort or become unhappy in the marriage as time goes on.
Love and commitment are beautiful things, but they aren’t created or preserved by the institution of marriage. They’re weakened by it.
6. It’s a (horribly unsexy) business contract.
A marriage is recognized by the state when you pay them, get some signatures, and get either a magistrate or some guy who got ordained online at 2 am to officiate. There’s a reason why a traditional wedding ceremony includes everything except the part that actually legalizes the marriage.
It’s not romantic.
You know what the couple is up to when everyone’s outside for cocktail hour? Besides taking photos, they’re signing on this line. And here. And initialing. And the officiant is obsessively re-checking both copies of the application to make sure she didn’t make an error.
But that’s what marriage really is. It’s not the dress, the cake, the vows, the obligatory crying when the bride walks in, and the champagne toasts. That’s the wedding.
And it’s not the dates, the cooperation, the fights, the makeup sex, and the memories. That’s the relationship.
The marriage, dear reader, is the weird tax break you get when Married, Filing Jointly. It’s the piece of paper that says “hey, this other person owns half your stuff now, haha.” And the one prohibiting you from breaking up without filling out a shitload of government forms, paying some court fees, and spending a year “legally separated” (unless you move to Vegas). That’s if you’re amicable enough that you don’t need a lawyer.
Your relationship might be beautiful, but your marriage says “I’m legally obligated to share my assets with you in exchange for your loyalty and your sexual and emotional exclusivity. For life.” Hot.
7. It’s insanely commercialized.
Diamond engagement rings weren’t a thing until the De Beers cartel ran what was effectively a nationwide micro-influencer campaign in the ’30s and ’40s. They managed to convince people that a) diamonds were rare and valuable and b) everyone needed to propose with one.
It worked — De Beers invented the engagement ring and now 75% of American brides wear diamonds. Isn’t that cute? I won’t even get into blood diamonds here.
The wedding industry has also exploded. It’s set to reach $73.3 billion this year. Yes, with a “b.” The average couple budgets $23,000 for their wedding but actually spends $30,000. 32% of those couples pay with a credit card. Because you know what’s hella romantic? Starting off your marriage with a mountain of debt!
Throw in honeymoons, anniversaries, marriage retreats, counseling, and the constant social media pressure to one-up each other, and marriage can be quite a costly endeavor. Relationships are great, people. Love is awesome. Spending all your money on Extravagant Displays of Coupledom is not.
And yet, many people still get completely lost in the fairy-tale feeling of wedding planning. Swept up in a wave of neutral tones, cake flavors, and slightly overexposed images, reality doesn’t set in until it’s far too late.
8. It pressures people into bad relationships.
I’m gonna be honest. Based solely on anecdotal evidence, this one affects women more than men. How many times have you seen a woman marry a guy and thought, “Really, him?” I’m thinking of several right now.
Let’s face it: there’s a social stigma, especially for women, around being single. For many people, a sizable chunk of their identity is caught up in getting married. So they flit from date to date until they find someone on a similar mission and settle down.
Only then do they discover that not only are they totally incompatible, but neither of them put in the self-development time they needed to make a marriage work. Because they were too busy trying to find someone (anyone) to marry.
Tale as old as time.
People end up settling for their partners because they’re supposed to marry someone, right? Instead of patiently looking for the right person, they look for someone who will propose (quickly!).
Others push further into their relationships in an attempt to solve their problems. People frequently get engaged or married in an oh-so-misguided and avoidant attempt to fix issues that have nothing to do with relationship labels. Unfortunately, planning the wedding is often enough to bury the underlying issues until it’s too late.
9. It traps people in (bad or mediocre) relationships.
Divorce is a hurdle high enough to keep many people from leaving their bad or mediocre marriages. And it’s designed that way. When you consider the financial cost of divorce — lawyers’ fees, split assets, alimony, child support — it’s no wonder why many couples choose to just “suck it up.”
Then there’s the isolation. Married people’s support systems have often dwindled. Many of their friends are “couple friends,” and whose side will they take? Throw in the social stigma still associated with divorce, and you’ve got a recipe for Guess We’ll Just Be Miserable Together For Life.
In fact, a bad or mediocre marriage can feel so confining that the Spouse Death Daydream is a real thing. And it’s unsettlingly common. In my humble opinion, healthy relationship structures don’t lead to one spouse secretly hoping the other dies.
Ultimately, who wants their partner to stay just because there are obstacles to leaving? Doesn’t exactly sound like a life of love and commitment.
10. Marriage kills good relationships.
Yep, I said it. Marriage. Kills. Good. Relationships.
You know how you can be totally fine with washing the dishes until someone tells you to wash the dishes? That’s what marriage does to your relationship. Instead of waking up every day and freely choosing your partner, you’re now legally obligated to stay with them.
No, it probably won’t be something you consciously think about, but over time it makes people complacent. You start taking your spouse’s love for granted. You don’t try to impress them anymore, you slowly make less and less of an effort, you don’t withhold your anger or frustration.
In all long-term relationships, the luster will fade to some degree, but the restraints of a marriage takes this to unhealthy heights. Many married couples experience loss of attraction or stop having sex altogether. And even more lose interest in sex or are no longer sexually satisfied in their marriages.
The high from the wedding and honeymoon eventually wears off. Reality sets in. And it’s not the storybook ending the young couple had hoped for. Communication breaks down and resentment grows, especially as both spouses slowly lose their individual identities and support networks.
Listen, I’m not an idiot. I know this doesn’t describe all married couples. However, according to the statistics, it does describe more than half. That means the Happily Married succeed in spite of their marriages, not because of them.
Marriage. Kills. Good. Relationships.
Conclusions
Since most Americans still get married at some point in their lives, I’ve probably pissed off a lot of people with this article. If I’ve offended you, maybe this will be a bit of a salve: I’m not saying you have a shitty relationship. I fault no one for getting married. Hell, I did it. And I don’t regret it. But if my ex-wife hadn’t had the guts to call it off (I sure didn’t at the time), we’d both still be trapped and miserable. Thanks, girl. And we got off easy — it was very amicable and there were no kids or lawyers involved.
The data reflects my experience. Marriage is an antiquated institution that served an important purpose in society for a long time. But it has survived long past its usefulness. It’s an inherently possessive and unequal economic arrangement. It’s heavily commercialized and unnecessarily confining, to the detriment of otherwise healthy relationships.
Why do we continue to mutilate marriage? Why do we try to force it to fit our modern ideal of a loving, lifelong commitment between two people? It’s time to lay marriage to rest with respect for its part in building the modern world. And it’s time to stop defining our relationships by 6000-year-old rules.
So get out there, date selectively, love well, and don’t get married. You’ll be happier, richer, and more satisfied with your partner.
And you’ll still have plenty of reasons to celebrate.
