How To Recognize Your Love Language
A guide to recognizing your love language and the way it impacts your dating experiences.
These Aren’t New
Although the idea of “love languages” has recently taken hold of mainstream media, this concept isn’t brand new. Love languages go back decades, with one of the most notable references being from Gary Chapman, an American author who wrote The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (1992). While I haven’t read his work yet, there are numerous sources available for those interested in more extensive research.
Right now, discussing your love language is a fun conversational topic among friends. In truth, those languages help you recognize your preferences, define your boundaries, and learn to communicate them. If you’re not sure where to start, here’s a quick guide to love languages. I’ll break down each one and how they operate so you know what to look for.
Physical Touch
Like the name suggests, this love language centers around skin-to-skin contact. No, it’s not all about sex. Other, more PG interactions count just as much.
Your love language might be physical touch if you:
- Enjoy being held in any capacity — whether it’s holding hands while walking, getting shoulder massages (even if your partner sucks at them), or cuddling in bed.
- Seek hugs when distressed or uncertain
- Relish in random kisses
- Like frisky interactions, such as biting, pinching, licking, etc.
What this means:
You like feeling the closeness of your partner. The skin-to-skin contact reassures you that they’re interested and care about you. Finding a partner who reaches for you and gives surprise hugs or kisses is your best bet. It’s also important to remember that you’re still in charge of your body. If there’s a day that you don’t feel comfortable with frequent touching, communicate with your partner. You don’t have to desire the same level of touch every day.
Quality Time
Quality time and physical touch often overlap. Both love languages value partners being close by. With quality time, you don’t have to touch your partner to feel comforted.
Your love language might be quality time if you:
- Encourage long car rides with no destination in mind
- Can sit in silence with your partner without feeling awkward
- Want to complain to your partner after a bad day
- Play recreational activities just to be around each other
What this means:
You like giving and receiving attention from your partner. Their continual presence proves their unlikeliness to abandon you. Finding a partner who likes the same activities as you will make sharing free time easier. Still, it’s important to recognize co-dependency. You don’t owe anyone your undivided time, and no one owes you that either. Respecting when you or your partner needs a little break isn’t a crack in the relationship, but a sign that you communicate effectively.
Acts of Service
If your love language is acts of service, you like when your partner aids you. You value them reaching out to help you, whether you ask for it or not. This can be hard for those who hate feeling reliant on others. Still, if you get those warm feelings each time they help you, you enjoy acts of service to some extent.
Your love language might be acts of service if:
- Your partner bringing you coffee each morning brightens your day
- Both big and small tasks done in your name make you happy
- You feel cared for when someone helps you with your chores
What this means:
You believe in the old saying, “actions speak louder than words.” Instead of being told that you’re loved, you want your partner to show it. Actions as big as fixing your car or as little as feeding your cat while you’re away prove their attraction. With this love language, it’s good for you to recognize limits. Having a helpful partner is different than having a servant. Be careful to not ask for unreasonable tasks that’ll ultimately leave you and your partner heartbroken. Likewise, don’t agree to any dangerous acts just because someone asks you to.
Receiving Gifts
This also falls under the category of showing over telling. Those who subscribe to this love language enjoy tangible proof of affection.
Your love language might be receiving gifts if you:
- Hoard items because of the emotional memory behind them
- Give gifts as signs that you care
- Enjoy small items as much as large ones when given a gift
What this means:
You like to see how much someone loves you. Having small trinkets stashed around the house are reminders that someone cares about you. Seeing those gifts encourages you to value that relationship. Still, be mindful of these gifts. Having someone buy your love is distinctly different than just receiving gifts. Likewise, demanding supremely expensive gifts on a regular basis is different than simply having a love language.
Words of Affirmation
For people who enjoy verbal validation and proclamations, this may be your love language. Hearing reassurances from your partner makes your relationship feel stronger each time.
Your love language might be acts of service if:
- You enjoy saying or hearing “I love you” on a regular basis
- You feel seen when your partner verbally recognizes your hard work or efforts — a “thank you” or “you did great today” goes a long way
- Compliments are highly appreciated
What this means:
Everyone likes verbal guarantees and you especially value it. Having a partner who isn’t afraid to express their love or respect for you is a big plus. At the same time, make sure you’re also giving words of affirmation. Two-sided proclamations are the best when fostering a relationship.
Living with Your Love Language
Love languages reentered pop culture as a fun ice breaker on first dates. On a deeper level, acknowledging your likes and dislikes makes sharing passionate moments while establishing healthy boundaries easier.
Really, there’s no limit to what you can or can’t value in a relationship. If someone doesn’t have the same love language as you, that’s not a warning sign. It just means that you two should openly communicate about what you relish or avoid in a relationship and grow from there.
Even more fun, you can appreciate a combination of love languages! You don’t have to subscribe to one and only look for those signs. Take some time to rank them. Maybe your main focus is physical touch, but acts of service also make you happy. Or your gift-lover partner could enjoy quality time just as much as your gifts.
Knowing your love language is meant to be a strength, not a weakness. It shows what you value in a relationship and how you want your partner to behave. Ultimately, being conscious of your love language can help you traverse the dating landscape with less pain and embarrassment.
Thanks for reading! I’ll do a follow-up piece with a more thorough description on how to figure out your love language. I’ll also include stories of my personal encounters with the love languages if you want more concrete examples. If you’re interested in reading those, follow my profile!
