Getting Comfortable on Your First Date
Using soft boundary setting to have fun without becoming a stranger’s doormat.
Flirting, going with the flow, and embracing new experiences on a first hang can be exciting! Being open-minded to your date’s ideas offers space for new connections and feelings to grow. Still, you shouldn’t let a date go further than you’re comfortable with.
Looking into the future shouldn’t mean sacrificing your present. Imagining what a relationship could become won’t matter if it’s only achieved with your complete discomfort. Moreover, any relationship built on stifled thoughts and submerged feelings won’t manifest in a healthy way. Asserting your standards and aiming for mutual happiness will always benefit you during a date.
But how do you do that on a first date? Expressing your likes and dislikes in any situation can be tough. That difficulty expands when it’s someone you want to impress. How do you explain your preferences without seeming guarded or cold? Here are a few steps that may help if things get too dicey on your initial meet-up.
Step 1: Listen to Yourself When You’re Uncomfortable
Ultimately, you know yourself best. If your date does something that makes you uncomfortable, your body will tell you. It might scream with an ick or just whisper that something’s off. Regardless, don’t immediately shove that feeling away. Take a minute to break down that emotion. Go to the bathroom or another secluded area and ask yourself some questions.
- Does this feel like general nerves or light fears?
- When did it start? Before the date or once your potential partner behaved a certain way?
- Have I felt this hunch before? How did that event end?
- Would I be okay with a friend or loved one being in the same situation?
These questions help decipher if the feeling derives from your comfort zone or a danger zone. Stepping out of your comfort zone isn’t the same as putting yourself in bodily or mental harm.
For example, I was invited to a drive-thru movie theater date. I was nervous because I’d never been alone in a guy’s car before. I ensured my safety by letting nearby friends know where I would be and who I’d be around. I also knew the person for an extended period of time and felt safe before physically stepping into the car. My experience came down to date nerves. Had I approached the car and still felt anxious, that would be my sign to do a different date idea. (One that would involve separate cars, of course). Likewise, you should figure out if you’re feeling general nerves or literal anxiety.
If the answer is date nerves, try to stick it out and see what happens. If it feels more intense than nerves — bordering disgust, fear, or annoyance — then you should try to unravel the issue. What’s making you feel this way? And how can you switch it up?
Step 2: Consider the Best Way to Address the Problem
If it’s a small issue, you should discuss how to avoid or rectify it in the future. When it comes to setting boundaries, it’s all about using “I” statements, like the following:
- I don’t like to feel disrespected.
- I don’t like those kinds of jokes.
- I’m uncomfortable with people touching me in that way.
Using this format gets your point across without making an accusatory statement. Be mindful though, that this softer recommendation is for first-date question marks, not red flags. The two deserve very different responses.
The most important part is to say your idea in a clear voice. I sometimes struggle to set boundaries. When mentioning my preferences, I’ll use a nervous laugh to diffuse any awkwardness. Sadly, that laugh makes my hard limit seem like a joke and I’m left to suffer. I’m working on it!
Similarly, it’s important for you to state hard stops in a solid tone. Take a deep breath and use a steady voice. Your seriousness becomes a sign for them to calm down and alter their behavior.
Step 2.5: Compliment, “I” Statement, Solution
For other soft setters like me, I have a recommendation! The CIS format! First, compliment the date, whether it be the actual person or the circumstances. Whatever part of the date you’re actually enjoying, vocalize it for foundational positive energy.
Afterward comes the “I” statement. The only way you can ensure your future fun is by stating your discomfort. Then comes a solution or alternative. This format will look like the following:
- It’s great that you’re so passionate about this topic. I just don’t like when you talk over me. Leave time for me to respond in the conversation.
- The food here is amazing. I’m not used to sharing my plate with strangers though. How about we split the appetizer and put our portion on our own plates?
- I love your outfit and openness. But I’m not used to people being this touchy. I’d feel better if you sit across from me instead of beside me.
Recognizing a problem and posing a solution is great in a professional and personal setting.
Step 3: Check the Frequency
Congrats! If you’ve gotten this far, you’ve successfully stated your boundaries. After that talk, find something silly or light-hearted to recover the lively atmosphere.
Ideally, you should only have to state the same boundary twice — MAX. If the uncomfortable behavior continues, it’s simply not worth it. Having your boundaries disrespected multiple times? And on a first date? No way! Go home and have a bubble bath. Meeting with people who trample over your happiness isn’t worth it. Know when to walk away.
The Bottom Line: Respect
At the end of the day (or the morning after, for those feeling extra frisky), knowing and establishing boundaries is all about respect. Respect yourself and the date enough to vocalize your standards and comfort. If the date equally respects you, they’ll commit that boundary to memory. And if the situationship becomes a relationship, don’t forget to request and/or vocalize consent as those boundaries shift.
Thanks for reading! A few of the above insights come from my dating experiences. Follow my Medium profile and Instagram so you’ll be notified once I post the (inevitable) first date story. Until next time!
