Men, The ‘Friends First’ Dating Strategy is Dumb
I’m here to tell you why you should never entertain it.
“I can't believe this whole time you just wanted to get into my pants!”
I was 25 years old, and these words felt like daggers twisted into the raw flesh on my back. Over candlelight dinner, Sarah, my friend of six months rejected my idea to turn our friendship into a romantic relationship.
I felt ashamed. Frustrated. And cheated.
My garlic butter steak fillet and roast potato skillet suddenly tasted like dry cardboard. It was as if someone had gone into my mouth and forcibly removed my taste buds.
In hindsight, I should have known better. I should have read the signs that I’d been permanently friend-zoned.
I first met Sarah on a dating app. She told me she’d been with guys who were only interested in “one thing”. So, she wanted to be friends first to see if we were compatible. She was keen to find out if I'd “stick around” and get to know her.
I was uncomfortable with her suggestion. But I didn’t tell her that I wasn’t interested in her idea. I shut my mouth. Instead, I agreed to her suggestion like an obedient puppy.
After the first date, I thought she would eventually develop feelings for me after “nurturing” the friendship by doing activities together. You know, by being there for her whenever she needed me. Boy was I wrong.
To cut the long story short, I never spoke to Sarah again after our dinner. A month later, I heard through the grapevine that she was officially dating some guy she'd met on one of her nights out.
This news stung me even more. Did she ask the guy she was with whether he wanted to be friends too? I often wondered.
I've seen this scenario play out in different forms with people that I know. Some women prefer to be friends first, but the friend's first approach is a slippery slope for guys.
It's dumb.
It’s a waste of time.
Before you get your knickers in a twist, and start going off about some red pill nonsense, hear me out.
It’s not your problem whatever reason a woman provides for wanting to be friends first.
This morning, I was late for work because of a car accident on the freeway. My boss didn't give a damn. It wasn’t his problem. He was more concerned about the urgent report that I needed to send to senior executives. I should have left home earlier. That's how life normally works.
People often have issues that they need to sort out internally, that have got nothing to do with you.
So, it’s not your problem whatever reasons a woman gives you as to why they want to be friends first. You must look out for yourself first. It's a dog-eat-dog world in the dating game.
A woman may have clear and logical reasons why she’d like to be friends first. They probably make sense on a surface level, but they are for her benefit, not yours.
What are some examples? Ah, let me see.
She may have baggage from a previous relationship that she needs to deal with before she enters another relationship. OK, that’s on her not you.
Maybe she needs to “weed” out the men who are genuinely interested in her before the relationships become physical. Again, it has nothing to do with you.
So, why exactly is it not your problem?
Well, Life is short and there are no guarantees that your friendship will transform organically from platonic to romantic.
You’re giving your precious time, your energy, and your emotions to someone who is unsure about a romantic relationship and wants to be your buddy.
You’re not there to alleviate her anxieties and insecurities about why she needs to be friends with a guy before she dates him.
Read that again.
You're not getting the best version of her, you’re getting scraps.
Look, I get it. She’s stunning, she looks like she’s never taken a dump in her life.
She’s saying she wants to be friends, and you’re thinking, maybe, just maybe, I have a chance with this beautiful creature.
But here’s the truth:
You’re only getting scraps of her, even if you think you aren’t. There’s a difference between the way people hang out as friends, with the way they hang out as lovers. That’s a fact.
A woman who isn’t all in, who hasn’t decided whether she visualizes you rubbing oils on her back on an island beach while she sips pina coladas will always hold back.
Being friends first means she’s still single and has her eyes open for other potential suitors. Meaning, that while you’re hanging out as friends, some other guy could come from nowhere and blow her away.
Is that what you want?
If that happened, would she owe you an explanation? No, you are friends, remember? It’s an insult to your time. Frankly, it’s disrespectful.
Why?
Because there’s usually no deadline for this friendly arrangement. It’s hard to know when to decide when you should evaluate the friendship. I mean is it a few weeks? months? a year? Do you see where I’m going with this?
Precious time spent being friends could be spent dating.
When you meet someone, I want you to be honest and direct about what you want. If you want a long-term relationship right off the bat and this scares someone, then that’s on them.
If they don’t want the same thing as you then that’s ok, you’re probably incompatible.
They have done you a favor. You have dodged a bullet.
When you meet someone on a dating app, the whole point of being on that app is to find people you want to date. There are many other places where you can connect and meet with people you want to be friends with.
You can go on several dates and if that person fits what you’re looking for, then the relationship will progress naturally. There will be no need to start with friendship. You will grow together as friends in the relationship.
The longer you date someone and get to know them, the more their true character will unravel. You don’t necessarily have to be friends first to find out who they are, because characters can be faked in a short friendship.
When you find the right person, you’re going to feel like there isn’t enough time to be friends first.
You will want to be involved romantically right off the bat. When somebody tells you they want to be friends first, it means they are willing to risk you falling for someone else.
Friends first often end up friends forever.
Movie Scene: The girl has a male best friend who’s always there for her. She goes ahead and dates a bunch of losers. Finally, at the end of the movie, she realizes her true love was right in front of her the whole time — it was her male best friend.
Aww, how cute! But that’s why they call it the movies. In real life, you can’t create attraction and be a girl’s boyfriend by acting like a best friend.
“I see you as a close friend and I don’t want to ruin what we have”.
Some variation of the above sentence is what you’re likely going to hear should you pursue the friends-first approach.
One of the reasons guys get friend-zoned is because they treat the women they meet like their buddies at the gym. Once you have a platonic relationship, it becomes hard for a woman to see you as anything else other than her “bro”.
Hanging out as friends usually means there are no moments that create sparks or the “butterflies in the tummy” effect.
You may get the occasional boob pressed against your chest goodbye hug, but that's about it.
Bringing it all Together
Now listen, some people have gone from being friends, even childhood friends to getting married.
Usually, there has been a long break in between. Maybe one of the people has left town, and they have reconnected later on in life. For the majority of people, this is not the case.
There are good reasons why people want to be friends first. A solid friendship is the basis for a good relationship. But the friendship can develop while you’re dating.
Ultimately, It’s up to you what you decide, but I hope I have given you enough reasons to decline their offer.
If someone asks you to be friends first, give them the time to explain their reasons, listen to them, empathize with them, and then politely say no thanks. You deserve better.
