From A Devastating Break Up To A Thriving New Relationship
I thought I’d never open up or trust again.
When I ended my 5-year relationship with my first love, I knew it would be a long time before I felt ready to date again. I had to give myself time to mourn the loss of the relationship, my best friend, and my life partner. The life we created together was gone and never coming back.
Interestingly, someone you once spent 99% of your time with can become a stranger. But that’s what happened with my first love and, in hindsight, was the best outcome for my future self.
When I met my first love, I was nineteen years old, and when we split, I was in my mid-20s. A different person, my values and interests had changed dramatically, and while I loved my ex, we could not relate to each other anymore. We had grown apart.
If I did not distance myself from my ex, I fail to see how I could have moved overseas and opened myself up to meet new people. I achieved just that by creating space in my heart and mind for a new life. Of course, I had to mourn the relationship, but I was determined to move forward and see what else was out there for me. Indeed a person I met at nineteen wasn’t my be-all-and-end-all.
As it turns out, I realized another person could never complete me. I learned how to love myself when crying on the shower floor or standing atop a mountain I had just climbed. I asked myself what my dreams were if I wasn’t searching for a lover, and for me, it was writing, rock climbing, and surrounding myself with close friends who I can rely on and honestly care about me.
Whether you are single, in a relationship, poly, or somewhere in between, it is always a good time to turn inward and focus on self-love. I genuinely believe the most important relationship we will ever have in our lifetimes is the one with ourselves. We will stick by ourselves until we die, so it’s essential to learn how to like ourselves, love ourselves, and care for our body, mind, and heart. You do not need another person to achieve any of this. You can do it yourself.
- Set a five-minute timer and look at your face in the mirror. In your head, say only kind, loving words about yourself. Look at your face as if you are looking at your inner child. Tell that inner child you love them and will protect them.
- Go for a walk. If it’s rainy, take an umbrella. Stinking hot? Get a sweat on, and don’t forget a hat and sunscreen. The walk can be down the end of your street and back or around the block. When you get back, have a lovely shower and repeat step 1. Ask yourself: how am I feeling?
- Consider therapy. I reached out to a therapist in the first couple months after my break-up, and two years on, I feel my growth and progress in life result from the work I did in therapy. It’s not for everybody, but if you haven’t tried it, I strongly recommend giving it a go.
I met my current partner a year and a half into therapy, which was very unexpected. I was not looking for love; I was in bliss with my single life and did not feel ready to open my heart again. My partner and I were friends for a long time before I asked if they were attracted to me, to which they responded no, we’re friends. Talk about a knife to the heart!
It was honestly the best response because our friendship is what remained at the forefront as our connection grew to include sexual intimacy and romantic love. My partner is my best friend first and my lover second. We took our time getting to know each other and exploring our connection that it never felt forced, nor did I think I was ‘losing’ something from my single life. I am an individual being who has someone to share my life with as long as it feels right for me.
Never stay with someone because you are afraid to be alone. Be alone, relish in your solitude because it won’t always be like that. My young life has taught me to cherish every moment with the special people in my life because you never know when it will change due to break-ups, death, or other circumstances. Learn how to thrive in all stages of your life, and you will look back with a whole heart and gratitude.
