Gaslighting: You Keep Using That Word
I do not think it means what you think it means.
Oh, gaslighting. It’s become as ubiquitous as “narcissist” in the lexicons of relationship coaches, yet as rare as a blue moon in reality.
And while real gaslighting is an extreme and horrifically cruel behavior that should be ended immediately and with extreme prejudice, most of the cited “examples” are just people being assholes.
There are plenty of these examples in many well-intentioned articles, but I recently came across one that claimed “to gaslight” includes such behaviors as looking at one’s phone during a conversation and coworkers stealing ideas to present as their own.
Come on, people. Sure, looking at your phone when someone is talking to you is downright rude. And stealing ideas is a total dick move. But gaslighting? That’s a pretty intense accusation against your coworker.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term or if you’ve never looked up the history or official definition (nothing to be ashamed of; I hadn’t until recently), here’s what Britannica has to say about it:
Gaslighting [is] an elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation, usually practiced by a single deceiver, or “gaslighter,” on a single victim over an extended period.
Its effect is to gradually undermine the victim’s confidence in [their] own ability to distinguish truth from falsehood, right from wrong, or reality from appearance, thereby rendering [them] pathologically dependent on the gaslighter in [their] thinking or feelings.
The term “gaslighting” itself originated from a 1938 British stage play called Gas Light, which was later produced as the film Gaslight. In it, a nefarious husband nearly drives his wife insane by convincing her that she’s imagining dimming gas lights and sounds in the attic.
Damn. Sure, it sucks that Debbie’s preoccupied trying to figure out TikTok transitions while you try to explain why her metrics reports are incomplete, but that’s hardly a twisted scheme to drive you nuts.
The most flagrant overuse of the term gaslighting isn’t in the workplace, though. It’s in reference to relationships. I’ve written about the overuse of the term Narcissist before, and these two go hand in hand.
Many of the behaviors commonly listed as strong indicators of gaslighting–condescending talk, lack of listening or attention, playing the blame game, redirecting conversations–are usually just rude behaviors of a partner. They’re kind of like spoiled milk. Unpleasant to experience, but they’re not gonna kill you.
For example, let’s say you get into an argument with your partner because they didn’t get you your honey mustard with your chicken nuggies like they said they would. They’re adamant that they never made the promise, but you distinctly remember it. If this is an infrequent thing, they probably weren’t paying full attention when they agreed to get the sauce–or they just have a bad memory. We’ve all forgotten something at some point. (We won’t get into better ways to solve this disagreement here).
True gaslighting, on the other hand, involves an intentional, systematic implementation of many of these behaviors over time. It’s methodical. Calculated. It’s designed to erode your identity.
You’re once again upset with your partner because they didn’t get you honey mustard like they promised. In this case, however, they tell you that you asked for ranch. In fact, they say, you always ask for ranch (you don’t).
They point out that there’s only ranch in the fridge (you just ran out of honey mustard, but your partner hid the empty bottle). ‘Your sister says you always get ranch,’ they claim (she doesn’t. She knows you like that sweet, tangy goodness with your nuggies). Every time you go out to eat, they order ranch for you and smile innocently.
Whenever the subject is brought up, they laugh and say “you’re remembering wrong” or “you’re crazy.” Eventually, you just accept that you don’t like honey mustard. You’re a ranch person.
That’s gaslighting.
Real gaslighting creates a serious, dangerous situation for the victim and is usually carried out by someone who is highly mentally unstable (like a true narcissist). However, our overuse of the term clouds that distinction, which can be very dangerous for real victims of it.
If every assholish behavior is labeled “gaslighting,” how can someone accurately tell when they’re actually being manipulated and abused? It’s a Boy Who Cried Wolf situation.
There’s an easy way to deal with this practically: if someone’s being a dick, call them out on it. Every time. If they’re just an asshole, this will at least minimize the frustration they can cause. And on the very slim chance they are trying to gaslight you or someone else, that’ll stop them dead in their tracks.
So get out there, call out the assholes, don’t exaggerate their behavior, and keep ordering your honey mustard.
