How To Be Her Knight-In-Shining Armor, In the Bedroom
A pretty raw collection of questions and thoughts to consider if you want your lady to be satisfied and enthusiastic about sex.
Guys, imagine a sexual encounter where the lady does not interact with your penis at all. After doing a variety of other sexual acts, the lady asks you if you are getting close and expects you to jerk yourself off for your orgasm. Well, in real life, a lot of women experience the equivalent of this — where a guy does not interact with the girl’s clit, the organ that leads to her orgasms, at all. Guys, if you don’t regularly stimulate her clit during your sexual encounters, please keep an open mind and read on.
Culturally, we have a problem, and it is the orgasm gap between men and women. Men have significantly more orgasms than women during sexual encounters, on average. This article challenges you to examine belief patterns that may be leading to the orgasm gap. I also share personal experiences in the “do not” category… so hold on to your seats! (I decided to write using male and female, but please change the pronouns for your situation as needed).
Gentlemen… the clit is the way that women orgasm. And tongue feels better than finger. A girl can’t give herself oral sex. She can rub herself and use a vibrator, but she can’t use a tongue on herself. You are needed for this job. Why do so many men hesitate when it comes to giving their woman pleasure in this incredibly important way?
For some reason, a lot of people do not fully embrace the fact that the clit is the female equivalent of the penis… the clit needs attention during sexual encounters, particularly for the 80ish% of females that don’t orgasm from intercourse. If the sexual encounter is intended for the benefit of both the male and the female involved, clit play should be a part of the encounter.
As far as dating, do you know guys that will talk about oral sex a lot, and then fail to follow through? Or worse yet, start the first few encounters with oral sex and then stop? Well, unfortunately, guys, this is a major betrayal… please stop doing this.
A guy is not winning a prize if he lures a girl into bed with promises of oral sex but doesn’t deliver. He is creating barriers and mistrust in the relationship… which, by the way, makes it harder for a woman to enjoy sex and relax for orgasms. Does a girl ever just pretend she likes to give blowjobs and then stop doing it once she gets the guy to like her?
Ladies… why do we let men stop going down on us or worse yet, never start? Why do we let sexual encounters turn into his personal porn fantasy?
The classic story of the marriage where the woman has lost her sex drive… was the guy making sure to give the clit some lovin’ during sexual encounters? I know there are plenty of other factors that contribute to the female libido… like stress, feeling “heard,” personal fitness, health conditions, etc. There are some great TEDx talks on the female libido. But I have to believe that this basic question is some part of the equation, too… how satisfying was the sex for her?
I enjoy reading relationship advice on the internet, on sites like Quora. Do you know how often I see “give your man a blowjob once a day” as a solution to relationship problems? And have I ever seen anyone suggest “lick your girl’s clit once a day?” Media depictions of blowjobs or implied blowjobs are much more common than going down on a woman.
I have dated men that are so good at making me feel sexy and hot with their compliments. But in bed… they don’t take care of my clit. Why can’t they be just as enthusiastic about getting me off as they are about my boobs or ass?
Have you ever dated a guy that was more enthusiastic about licking your ass than licking your clit? Getting your ass licked feels great. But guys… it does not lead a girl to orgasm. Can you put your enthusiasm where the orgasm is?
Oh yeah… and can we get over thinking that going down on a woman is somehow a submissive act? In my opinion, only a real man knows how to give his woman pleasure and take care of her needs.
Since I recently re-entered the dating world after 18 years, I have been very disappointed with how oral sex for women seems to be handled in the world of modern dating. In my early twenties, I was so fortunate to have sexual encounters with men that always went down on me (with one notable, very frustrating exception). Are younger men more willing? Do older men just learn that they can get away without doing it (because women “don’t really ask”)?
I dated a guy that talked about vagina smell on our second sexual encounter. Due to prior history, I thought this guy really cared about me and just actually had a sensitivity to vagina smell. And I knew there wasn’t anything wrong with my smell. So in an effort to come up with a solution, I actually bought him a swimmer’s nose clip. He turned down the nose clip, but also did not go down on me. Mind you… this is a guy that talked about going down on women at dinner before we ever got physical (he actually said… like a lesbian). That’s part of what excited me about him, to be honest. But he never once offered to go down on me during our short but dramatic relations.
This is not completely black and white. Guys, if you’re really just not into it… that’s fine. Just be upfront and don’t pretend. Don’t give mixed signals. Let the girl decide if she can be happy with a relationship with no oral sex. There are alternatives that work great. The nose clip guy was great at fingering and I had amazing Os from that. It worked out.
I know sometimes girls may have trauma in their past that prevents them from being interested in oral sex. But for the majority of us ladies… having our clits licked feels amazing… and leads to orgasm.
And even if we have self-esteem issues about what we have “down there,” there are not too many women that would turn a guy down if he insisted and made us feel like there was nowhere else he’d rather be. Have you ever had someone give you cunnilingus and it actually felt bad? We just let our insecurities get in the way and don’t let men even try.
I know traditional porn no longer includes oral pleasure for women (if you watch 70s porn, you will see more oral sex for women than you do with modern porn). And I think that’s a tragedy. Because guys… what you watch does get into your head… whether you want to admit it or not. Repeated exposure means that it starts feeling normal… like your brain starts thinking that’s the way it’s supposed to happen. AND… repeated exposure combined with jerking off… that’s a double whammy from Psychology 101. Whatever you watch and jerk off to… that is a very powerful way to train and program your sexual appetite and sexual interests.
Guys — you’re letting porn directors brainwash you if you rely on porn heavily. And porn directors are not focused on how you can have a better sex life with a real female. Their goal is to portray hotter and hotter male fantasies… which, frankly, gets further and further away from what will excite a woman in real life.
Please separate reality from pornality. Make it fun for her and she will most likely want more. You want a woman that wants more, right?
I dated a guy who went down on me the first two times and then stopped completely. He believed that the purpose of oral sex was “foreplay,” just to get the girl wet. Since I tended to already be wet by the time we started making out, he stopped giving me oral sex. Guys… huge mistake. If you want a girl to be unreservedly enthusiastic about sexual play with you… please don’t call something that feels so good and leads to orgasm “foreplay.”
The female orgasm is not foreplay… it is an orgasm. Could you imagine a girl referring to a guy’s orgasm as foreplay?
The same guy also talked about how uncomfortable it was… using his tongue for “that long” and being on his knees. OMG. Please don’t do this. Please don’t make the girl’s orgasm about your comfort or make her feel bad about how long it takes. Do you really think blowjobs are “comfortable?” I would never complain about how uncomfortable a blowjob is to a guy. But trust me… a long blowjob can get very uncomfortable. Frankly… take a break… put a pillow under your knees… do whatever you need to be comfortable. But please don’t stop giving your girl oral pleasure if you are physically able and willing.
A girl can rub herself in private. If the only way she’s getting off with you is rubbing herself during intercourse… then is it that exciting to be with you? Do something to get her off… she will be a lot more into getting naked with you if you do.
Oh yeah… and don’t give her oral sex in exchange for something you really like. I dated a guy that wasn’t going down on me. But, after I agreed to lick his ass, he suddenly started offering to go down on me. Seriously? Will he stop when he gets over being so thankful? It’s not a barter item, guys. Just do it for her on its own merit. It should not be a reward.
I also dated a guy that couldn’t remember that I could not orgasm from intercourse alone. During intercourse, he kept asking “are you getting close?” I didn’t know how to answer because I had already explained that I needed clitoral stimulation. Because this happened a few times, he also got the impression that it took me a long time to orgasm. Dude… hate to break it to you… but I orgasm pretty quickly… it’s just that you need to lick my clit instead of having intercourse with me if you’re trying to get me to an orgasm.
And, finally, what about the guys that are like… if she wants it, she’ll ask for it. Because guys find it really easy to ask for what they want; Hey babe, get down there and give me that blowjob. I know all that relationship advice out there talks about communication. But let’s get real. Most women are not raised “sex positive.”
Women have a really hard time admitting what they want in the bedroom and asking for it… for so many cultural reasons. She might even be more willing to stop seeing you than admit that she wants oral sex. And having to ask (which feels like begging to a woman) for oral sex can take the pleasure out of it… it can make it harder for the woman to let go and have the orgasm. Nobody wants to feel like they are getting oral sex out of obligation.
What can you, as a guy, do? Honestly, you cannot go wrong if you start with the basic assumption that women want you to give them an orgasm during a sexual encounter. Women want you to play with their clit. I mean, of course, find out what her specific needs and desires are… but take the initiative on giving her pleasure… and make it fun and hot.
Guys, if you want to be her hero, make your girl feel like a goddess about her orgasm. Make her feel like you want to give her pleasure like there is no tomorrow. Help her get past her insecurities and be able to receive this pleasure that only you can give her. Don’t stop at making her feel attractive… go the extra mile and take the positive self-esteem to her orgasm. This is what a real hero would do, in my book. Take care of that clit, guys!
Disclaimer: Obviously, if she’s not into oral, don’t do it. But please… offer and explore. If she just wants to be fingered, do that… but please… offer and explore. If she loves both oral and to be fingered… please include these with enthusiasm in your sex routine. If she is one of the 20ish% that orgasms from intercourse and just wants to have intercourse… then you’re off the hook… no extra effort on the clit required!
Comments welcome. This article is pretty raw... I would love to know what you think.
