He Slapped Me In The Face With His Penis
And other strange sex moments that stay with me.
I haven’t had that many partners in my life, let's call it less than 20 but more than 5. I am also married. I wish I could turn back time and experiment, even a little bit more. Especially seen as my sex life is at an all-time low.
There were a couple of moments in my past that stand out as bedroom booms and blunders. They made me laugh, cry, smile, orgasm, and I definitely dined out on all of them.
He Slapped me in The Face With His Penis
One night when I was hooking with my now-husband, we were going at it pretty intensely. You know those hookups that you kind of lose yourself, your control, and your sense of boundaries?
The best.
At one point during the session, my husband moved up towards my face, dick in hand. He positioned himself such that I was expecting him to want me to suck on him.
I got ready, of course. My eyes closed in anticipation.
Much to my surprise, it didn’t enter my mouth.
It hit me in the side of the face.
I opened my eyes with shock, what happened, did he slip?!
No. He had his penis positioned in his hand and was proceeding to slap me in the face with it as he held my head.
1,2,3,4 times. I took the slaps, what else was I supposed to do?
At the end of the hookup, I started to laugh. What the hell had just happened? He also joined in. He knew exactly what I was laughing about.
I haven’t been dick-slapped since.
Okay, I’m totally lying. He’s my husband for god's sake.
The Face Hole
Ah, another moment in time where my face was used for pure penis entertainment.
It was about 3 am post a night at the pub. My hookup partner at the time (okay, it’s my husband again) and I had gone back to his place for some post-drinking rendezvousing
We were going at it by the couches and he pushed me down, to we all know where.
I don’t dislike the push, but I usually have to be into it to see eye to eye (okay, bad joke).
This guy put his hand against my head. My head was now positioned against the wall. I was essentially immobile.
His manhood then entered my mouth as he began to thrust in, and out.
I was a human face hole.
I was literally, being fucked in the face.
I couldn’t move, couldn’t even help out. I felt like a literal version of a fleshlight, except the wrong opening.
And yes... I did let him finish there.
A light at the end of my tunnel.
The Man Who Said “SOMF”
I was 19 and having one of my first hookups having just left my first serious relationship. I was having fun and just enjoying the ride(s).
At one point, I had taken a boy home (I feel like I can’t say, man, for this point of my life) and we were doing the dance.
I was on top of him, doing my thing. Enjoying the view and feeling independent and like a strong-ass woman. Look at me go!
The next words that came out of his mouth threw me.
I want you to “SOMF.”
“What?”
He did not articulate the words. He literally said the phrase as it is as an abbreviation.
I was 19, this was all new to me. I had to ask him to break down the slang.
It really broke the mood. I did, however, end up crawling up there.
The Guy Who Kept Holding Me
I once was seeing a boy who I found to be the cutest thing.
We made out, a lot. You know when you’re first seeing someone and the kissing just never seems to stop. You literally can’t take each other's hands, or mouths off each other.
This guy, however, had a really weird tendency.
We would be kissing and I kid you not, every 30–45 seconds, he would nuzzle his head into my neck and take a long big sigh.
It was like he needed a time out consistently. Or he just really liked to make a nest out of my neck.
I still to this day think he was trying to keep from coming. Or maybe he needed breathing breaks?
The Guy Who Pleasured my Jeans
This is high school, I’ll give this boy the benefit of the doubt.
When “digital was all the rage” (it still is, with the right person), my new little fling and I started making out on my parent's couch one day after school.
My parents weren’t home, we could push the boundaries of our 15-year-old fantasies.
At the time, I was wearing some flared jeans. Thick, real jeans that left not a lot of wiggle room to move around.
During the makeout, some over-the-pants action began. We were 15, this was a big deal for me.
The thing was, the crotch of my jeans was protruded out, with the position I was sat in on the couch.
This boy was diddling my denim and was literally about 3 inches too far from the good part.
I was young and nervous, I didn’t even correct him. I also had never had an orgasm yet, so I had no idea A) what was happening and B) why it was happening.
My denim could have gotten off though, who knows? I threw that pair of pants out long before I could get around to asking them.
The Tampon
This one still makes me smile to this day. Another juvenile moment that you just let happen because you both, genuinely know nothing better.
My first serious boyfriend and I went to second base together for the first time. It was glorious, for him, I think.
For me? It was, confusing?
I kid you not, for the first three months of our relationship, this boy would put his pointer finger inside of me, and just..
leave it there.
His finger was the equivalent of a sexual tampon.
When we finally learned that this wasn’t supposed to happen, it was figured out without any discussion. He must have learned from a friend. I’m pretty sure one of my girlfriends told him at a party and my heart breaks for him.
But, he gave me my first orgasm during month four, so I mean, it was for the best.
Growing up and experiencing different sexual moments is apart of what makes life oh so amazing. I wouldn’t give up any of these moments.
A) for the stories
B) for the laughs
C) for the learning curves
I may not want to repeat, well, most of them.
But I wouldn’t have it any other way that they’re embedded in my memory.
