My Husband’s Second Wife Is My Soulmate
Your worst female rival is capable of being your savior, if only you let her.
If you are living in a third-world patriarchal nation like Pakistan, you already empathize with your kind — the womenfolk. Yes, they are downtrodden, ill-treated, voiceless beings, in this male-driven society. It is said that women are their own worst enemy, but my experience has taught me that only a woman naturally can transform herself into an angel or a witch. If only you master the knack to tug at her heartstrings, she can be the savior you always wished for.
My mother taught me to be empathetic to all women. She taught me to be kind to my type, as the Lord naturally blessed them with the ability to be caring and understanding to another, without much being said. I blindly followed my mother’s advice to find out, that every woman, even the ones that I thought wanted my doom, could change having used the correct words and attitude.
My mother-in-law and my husband’s second wife are two such women in my life I cannot live without. A woman alone may have power, but collectively, we are a team and have an impact.
History has taught us to be each other’s rivals. Situations taught us to be competitive. Not many women could step outside the boundaries of their home, and those who could face a scarcity of female-driven jobs at the top. But, instead of realizing the aim behind putting one strong woman against another, we gave in to jealousy.
Females are predominately associated with emotion
Males are generally associated with “tougher” forms of emotion, such as anger. Females are more prone to soft emotions like love. Having the ability to love intensely intensifies other negative emotions like jealousy and revenge too.
When something challenges the need to make a woman caring, she will give in to it with all her might. My mother taught me exactly how to do this, and this is how I ended up making my husband’s second wife, my best friend.
Women are intuitive
Women by nature are intuitive, and we can make use of this intuition to ensure the well-being of not only our immediate families but also our friends. Women who collaborate with other intuitive women are proved to be more successful in business, relationships, and life as a whole.
This is because of the immense competition aspiring women face at the top. Cultural, societal and systemic pressures make it difficult for a woman to rise to the top. She could benefit from tips and tricks from other fellow women who have already been there, done that. While most women would conceal their secrets and become an obstacle for another rising female, some, who have lost the battlefield may share their experiences
With so many women breaking the taboo and entering the workplace, there are more ladies finding their voice and there is more value brought to the table.
In my country, whether rich or poor, the mentality of men is the same, and women of all economic statures find a common meeting place to share their experiences. They experience similar hurdles coming from families that hesitantly accept their desire to start working.
When they rise to higher roles, they face criticism not only from their female counterparts but also from their immediate family. Other women contenders frown at their success and somehow, the winner has to learn to deal with her boosted confidence and the lack of support she receives from her folks, all at once.
This either converts the aspiring winner to a tigress who would swallow anything that comes in front of her goal, or makes her give up everything all at once. If only women accepted their true supporters and the only ones who can lead them along the way — other women.
Women are under-sponsored by senior men and may need to compensate by developing strong professional relationships with other women. It is when women on the top act as mentors and sponsors for one another, that they are truly successful in life as a whole.
Women in the third-world patriarchal nations are brainwashed into believing they are worthless
While one may think that the patriarchal nations like India, Pakistan, and the Middle East may naturally provide women huddled together in modest clothing, grounds to click together, it is not always the case. Women here are brainwashed into believing that their husbands, no matter how they are, are their pride.
They do not complain and suffer even when they receive zero support from their men. They keep their men and their children as a priority and do not lean into their own desires.
Instead of deriving strength from women who suffered the same fate and could empathize, they learned to harbor hatred and jealousy against them.
It’s clear that this strategy hasn’t worked. Raising each other up and channeling the power of collaboration is truly how we’ll change the equation — and have a lot more fun along the way.
We need to reverse the stereotype that women don’t support other women. Women are each other’s emotional support system. From giving advice, being a shoulder to cry on, keeping secrets, lending a listening ear, and boosting self-esteem, to developing strong and healthy female friendships is something all women can benefit from.
Why we are our own worst enemy?
Unlike men who want to confront problems, talk about them and do away with them, women are less confrontational and less competitive than their male counterpoints. Women like harmony and are better relationship-builders.
However, women do not like to build relationships with other women. Simply because they know themselves too well and do not want to be associated with someone who has the same flaws as them. Women are naturally prone to prolong battles and brew hatred. They love the thought of being hypocritical and gossiping behind another’s back.
Women are more comfortable working their issues covertly and through other people. This turns out to be damaging and counterproductive as women use this strategy to take revenge.
Women are made to break other women down
Women are often the first to criticize and sabotage one another. Studies show that women are tougher on women than men are. The fact that women treat female leaders with less respect and support than their male leaders, and that they tend to reject work submitted by other women twice as many times as the same work submitted by men, confirms this.
Evolutionary psychologists suggest that women are genetically aggressive against their own kind. This is a genetic drive that is naturally ingrained in them to compete for limited resources and protect their young.
This however does not mean that this natural competitive and aggressive instinct cannot be changed. Sufficient awareness and a healthier view of their own power can control this psychological warfare.
Women like to prolong the war
Why is that? Well, some psychologists believe that diffusing the issue quickly is not what most women want. They want to create a long-term emotional burn, torturing their target beneath a warm smile and affable words. So when confronted by a more direct woman who doesn’t want to play that game, it threatens their only (perceived) power to manipulate a situation through their relationships.
Perhaps it’s because they view all other successful — or potentially successful — women as a threat. Regardless of the reason, sisterhood can be its own worst enemy in the fight for equality in a woman’s coveted sphere, whether that lies in a relationship, at the workplace, or in the kindergarten among other children.
How I opened my heart and home to the woman my husband loved
Apart from college and school where women were competitors to each other, the only place I encountered another woman was at home. Ishaan brought himself a second wife and I had to learn to live with her. Accepting her in my life meant not only giving her a room in my home but helping my kids make room in their hearts for a second mother and sharing my husband’s body with her petite figure. Hard as it was, I am glad that trusting another woman — my husband’s second wife, was the greatest decision I have made.
Even though my husband is compared to others, very broad-minded he is made of the same substance that others are made of. He is raised in the same patriarchal society by parents who taught him that women are beautiful mannequins meant to be used for reproduction are then be locked at home.
When I opened my heart to Saskia, we realized that we were fighting the same battle. We had the same goals to achieve. We strive for the well-being of the same man. This was reason enough for us to understand each other.
Even though we did have our quarrels, Saskia never let those interfere with our greater goal. She made my kids her own and dutifully took care of them when I was not around. Her sense of responsibility let me ignore the fact that she was the woman sharing a bed with my husband.
I learned to speak my heart out
Women who are more straightforward and direct, resisting the temptation to covertly manipulate and malign, are often called bitches. This discourages them from being honest about their emotions and braves up to others they do not agree with. In order to not feel alienated, they keep hatred trapped within themselves that in the long run leads to emotional and social discomfort
I chose to talk my heart out with my rival, which in my case was Saskia, the woman my husband loved, as much as he loved me. Learning to love her was accepting that I was my partner’s second choice.
But instead of focusing on the negatives, I accepted the situation. Instead of curbing my fears, I shared them with my mistress. Instead of brewing anger within me and masking my insecurities, I shared them with Saskia. This vulnerability allowed her to respect me as the upper hand. The confidence she blessed me with increased my value in my own eyes.
No matter the consequences, learn to confront your problems. Learn to face your enemies and have the courage to speak the truth to their faces.
In your absence, a woman is more capable of looking after your children than your own husband
A woman is naturally blessed with maternal instinct. Most men need to learn to read the minds of their children and pay attention to their needs. Chances that my husband failed to see a wet child in my absence until he caught a chill were more than leaving them with a woman acquaintance who would attend to their needs without being instructed.
Men in Pakistan think it is a woman’s job to raise the kids even though they were 60 percent responsible for unprotected sex that led to their creation. Despite this fact, the meek mothers were taught to keep shut, swallow their desires, and tend to the needs of the kids and the husband. No male gave a damn on how or who reared the children as long as they did not have to lift a finger.
In my case, Saskia, my husband’s second wife dutifully played mother to my children. Letting her play this role gave me room to breathe. Having another mother for my children provided me with more security.
No matter the relationship status or age, a woman is likely to grant another woman more sexual satisfaction than her male counterpart
No matter how much we deny it, the fact is that women love sex, just like men. They are so sucked up in other directions that they have no time to think or attend to this need of theirs, but when they do have a chance to realize it, they will not lose this chance.
Having Saskia in my life to take care of the kids let me be a little experimental with my sex life. I tried having an affair to find out if Ishaan’s need for a variety for sex was actually justified. Giving sex with another man ago helped me understand his need. Rekindling my sex drive made me naturally attracted to Saskia. This woman became my soulmate having fulfilled every other hollow spot I had.
A 2011 study shows that 60 percent of women who identify as heterosexual (straight) have admitted to being sexually attracted to another woman. 50 percent admitted to having sexual fantasies about other women in one way or another.
Apart from the fact that a naked female body is more aesthetically pleasing than a male body, a woman knows what gives her the most pleasure and is able to mirror the same with her girlfriend. Most porn, and also couple sex is focused on male pleasure, reducing women to demeaning situations.
Sexuality is fluid and both men and women may change their opinion about sex and find ways to have that best orgasm with time. As women near menopause, they have different needs and find themselves attracted to females even though they may still have the perfect relationship with their partner.
I am nowhere near menopause but allowing my husband to have another sexual partner gave me a little more freedom. This new kind of freedom made me a new person. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I have a Casanova of a husband, I have a lover who provides me with my kind of sex, and I have a woman who is now my soulmate, who fulfills my every need. I need not depend on any man anymore.
Only when women wield power in sufficient numbers will we create a society that genuinely works for all women. That will be a society that works for everyone.
Anne Marie Slaughter
