Over It vs. Past It
The silent pressure behind the phrases we hear too often.
We hear them all the time.
The phrases meant to “help,” to nudge us forward… or silence us entirely.
Just let it go.
You need to move on.
You’re still not over that?
Why are you still thinking about it?
Why are you still talking about it?
You’re being too sensitive.
You’re being dramatic.
You’re being too much.
Why can’t you let it go?
Why can’t you just move on?
Sometimes they come from the people who hurt us.
Sometimes they come from the people who love us.
And sometimes, they come from within.
Of course, context is important. Those phrases aren’t always negative or ill-intentioned every time they are used, but sadly, they leave a mark in more cases than not.
A pressure.
A silence.
A quiet yet heavy shame without realising.
Maybe you grew up hearing them.
Maybe you still do.
Maybe you don’t even realise how deeply those words shaped your view of what it means to be “okay”.
I do. Now.
I remember being told that things were “in the past,” that I was “too sensitive,” that I should “just let it go and move on.”
So I did what most of us do.
I buried things. Blamed myself.
Tried to stop feeling so much.
And especially… tried to stop talking about it. (you know to please the person…)
I acted like I let go. Smiled when I needed to.
But inside, when the waves came in, I questioned myself: If I’ve let go, if everyone thinks I should be over it by now, why does it sometimes feel like I haven’t? What is wrong with me?
That inner tug-of-war is its crazy-making.
Because here is my truth on this topic:
Some things you don’t “just get over”.
Some things you can’t “just let go”.
Some things are too big.
Some wounds cut too deep.
Some stings last longer than imaginable.
Some pieces don’t glue back.
Some pieces need to be glued back on over and over again.
And some we never recover… we just learn to live without those pieces.
The hardest part isn’t the act of letting go.
The hardest part is surviving it.
And surviving is everything.
This week, like most weeks, I took time to reflect. For no particular reason, I dug deeper into this topic. Maybe questioning where I am in my healing journey since my ex.
Maybe a piece fell back down that I needed to glue back on.
My thoughts led me to this…
What’s the difference between being over it… and being past it?
I’ve done the work.
I’ve cried, healed, screamed, worked on myself repeatedly, read the books, and taken the solo trips.
I’ve found joy in living again, laughing, and making silly mistakes just because I can.
I’ve released the grip of the people and moments that used to hold power over me.
But am I over it? No.
And I finally realised… I don’t have to be.
Some things, I’ve truly let go of.
Others, I carry in smaller ways.
Some may be bigger. But I now carry them with peace instead of panic and self-doubt.
I saw a post recently that spoke about this subject. It said:
“You might never be over it.
You might just be past it.”
It made more sense than anything else had in a while.
Being past something doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
It doesn’t mean you forgot.
It doesn’t mean you forgive or that you let it go.
Being past it means it no longer consumes you.
It doesn’t define your identity.
It doesn’t shape your every thought or decision.
You might still remember.
Still ache. Still get triggered.
Still say: That shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t deserve that.
Because you are right. That shouldn’t have happened. You didn’t deserve it.
Being past it means you feel at peace knowing what you went through was wrong, that you should never have had to live through it, but that you did it, you went through it, you didn’t give up, and you managed to get past it. That holds so much more power than “just letting go” or “moving on.”
You can make peace with the fact that some things can’t be justified or explained.
Some things just hurt. And always will. Some memories we can’t fix.
Some flashbacks of our past will remain painful.
But as long as they don’t control you, as long as they don’t stop you from living your life fully, you can be at peace with them.
Being past it can mean:
It happened. It hurt. But I’m here.
I can think about it. And I can still move forward.
I can still feel its pain. Yet be open to realer and better things.
Maybe we all need to think twice about using the phrase “just move on”.
We also should stop pressuring ourselves to “just let it go”.
Because in the history of the world, I doubt anyone has magically ever truly healed by being told to hurry up and just let go.
Most of us are already doing everything we can. We are existing and living.
Sometimes what looks like being “too much” is really someone who’s spent a lifetime making themselves smaller to adapt to others.
So if you’ve ever been told just to let it go…
If you’ve ever been made to feel “too much” for still feeling something deeply…
Here’s what I remind myself now:
You don’t have to be over it.
You just have to get through it. At your own pace. Until you are past it.
Be past it so you can live the life you deserve, with the people who deserve your presence and appreciate your existence.
And no matter where that life leads you, it’s okay to carry what shaped you… good or bad.
The people who truly love you will understand that.
And more importantly, you need to understand that for yourself.
