The Blindsided Breakup: One Year Ago (ch.4)
Isn’t it interesting how much can change and stay the same in a year?
We met one year ago…
Today, I am grieving the loss of the man I met one year ago…
He no longer exists…
I am healing from and letting go of the man I thought existed, that I fell in love with, and with whom I shared a million meaningful memories; despite all the ups and downs, the man and the moments I still think about with a smile.
Today, I also accept the man in the same body who is a stranger to me…
He has the same face and body, and he does exist…
Yet he is someone I don’t want to know…
The man who no longer exists opened me up to love again, to trust again after years of not wanting to, after years of protecting myself after my last relationship with a narcissist. I am thankful for that man who reminded me how much I love to love someone, how good I am at it, and how much I love being in love.
While having gratitude for the man who no longer exists…
I am also celebrating my freedom from the man who does exist in the same body. I am celebrating the fact that I am not celebrating an anniversary with that man who could have hurt me even more deeply than he already did…
So much of me is the same as one year ago but also completely different.
I am still the same girl who sat on the terrace one year ago telling her friends how much she is ready to let someone be there for her, how much she is ready for a relationship, for a love that is forever…
One year ago, that same night, I met my now ex; I felt more ready for love than I had ever felt in my life, which is why meeting him that night was like a sign from the universe.
Now, a year later, I am not letting a man who again refuses to heal and be a better man, who caused the biggest heartbreak and pain of my life, close me off to love again.
Whether the man I fell in love with never existed or just no longer exists, he is still the reason I remembered how much I want to love, how much I am meant to love, and how good I am at loving someone wholeheartedly for who they are.
I was ready to love him despite the parts of him he was hiding, and I was ready to love all of him, heal together, grow together, build together, be a team, and commit daily to being with each other and loving each other.
Instead, the day the man I love stopped existing was when I needed to love myself better and harder, heal myself, grow, build on my own, and commit to myself daily.
It has been a roller coaster, but it made me even more open to love now than I was a year ago.
The man that does exist in the same body was/is so hungry for that external love. Seeking attention, admiration, and love with excessiveness and insignificant things from the outside. He called this freedom. The sad reality is he was and would have been wholeheartedly loved by me no matter what, just for being himself.
I lost the man I fell in love with because of his search for external validation and freedom. While I was committing to an unconditional, forever kind of love, to admire him and to be his person, he wanted to be everyone’s person. He wanted to be admired by everyone.
His search for external validation and freedom, which also goes hand in hand with his avoidant personality and his need to run from his emotions and real feelings, is why the man I love stopped existing.
He is now a man who will always have a place in my heart because of my love for him and the memories we shared…
But the man in his body, that is out there… I don’t know who he is, what he is doing, what he is thinking, nor do I want to know.
If I had met him instead of the one that no longer exists, if I had known what I knew about the man that exists, then there wouldn’t have even been a first date, let alone a second.
In a way, I should also be ‘flattered’ that the man who exists felt the need to act like the man who no longer exists to be with me for a while, to get me to fall in love with him. Maybe it was who he wanted to be; maybe it was in him deep down trying to get out permanently; maybe it was all an act to feel worthy and a mask just for his self-esteem. It doesn’t matter.
Regardless, for the man who does exist… I only send him healing and light.
And you know what? I also send him love with all my heart…
Because his face will always remind me of the man that not long ago meant everything and more to me… Someone who I was ready to love for the rest of my life.
If I see the man who does exist, his face will always make me want to go up to him, hug him, and hold him for an extra few seconds because of how much I miss and how I loved the man who no longer exists…
This article is for self-reflection, which felt necessary for my healing as I thought about the meaning of the last 48 hours.
It has all been a roller coaster. Not one month stayed the same during or after the relationship. The truth about him and the reality still come out no matter how much time passes, and I deal with it.
You know what… It does get easier with time; I finally see that, though I still hate that saying because there was a long period where time did feel like it was standing still for me, just waiting, wishing, living in the past, or hoping for the present or dreaming of the future…
One year later, I am happy to be still me. Even though it has been hard months of healing, I am still the same girl who wants love and be loved; better yet, thanks to the man that no longer exists, and you know what also, the man that does exist, I am a better version of myself today because not only am I getting myself back one day at a time, I am getting a healthier version of myself back. I am getting to know things about myself that I didn’t know to not only love myself better but one day to love someone and be loved by that someone in the healthiest, best way possible.
In a way, healing is about not letting unhealed people destroy you inside, not letting them take away everything good you are because of the internal battles they are fighting that have nothing to do with you.
The most important thing to know is healing never ends; learning about yourself and the people you love never ends and never should end. Every good or bad thing about life should make us want to be better and do better for the one/s we love. Every day should hold space for healing and growth. Every day should hold space to understand yourself and the one/s you love.
Next article: The Breakup Part 2 (ch. 5)
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