Why I Stopped Feeling So Threatened By Porn

Porn will be porn.

Michelle Brown
Jan 11 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Porn will be porn. (Source: Unsplash)

The exaggerated moans. The fake breasts. The unrealistic scenarios.

It’s standard, mainstream porn in all of its glory.

I’ve written before about how many women are intimidated by porn and how they feel they simply cannot compare to the characters portrayed in mainstream porn with their endless sexual appetites, smooth, gleaming skin, airbrushed bodies, and made-up faces.

Myself included.

My own long-standing battle with porn has actually had everything to do with my personal insecurities and not much to do at all with the over-glamorized porn actresses we see on the screen.

The bouncing balloon breasts, yoga-like sex positions, and otherworldly sexual stamina of porn characters can certainly feel like a daunting phenomenon to compete with — for anyone.

However, I have realized that the only one making me feel like I had to compete with porn stars at all was, in fact, me.

I no longer blame the porn industry for my sexual insecurities.

Does porn help my self-esteem? Nope. Not at all. Is porn solely responsible for my own sexual hang-ups? I think not.

You see, as I’ve grown into an older woman, I’ve realized that porn is going to be porn no matter what. The consumption of porn and the bizarre objectification of women it brings with it is not something I can allow to control me or my sex life anymore.

Am I still jealous of those ‘perfect’ looking women in porn films? Yes, to an extent. I’d be lying if I said I never thought it would be cool to look like that.

However, I know that in reality, those women spend all of their time and plenty of money working hard to look that way even if it’s only for a single shoot, whether it’s through plastic surgery, endless salon visits, excessive tanning, gobs of make-up, or otherwise.

Now in my 40s, I have officially ended my war with my looks. I have a wonderful partner who thinks I’m forever sexy. I’ve reached my goal weight through diet changes and exercise. I’m finally satisfied with my body when I look in the mirror. I’m content with myself. Eureka!

But what does any of that have to do with porn?

Simply that I’ve spent too many of my previous years allowing the grotesque display of super-inflated sexual caricatures exhibited in pornography to erode my own sense of self-esteem. And I’m finally finished with that.

Porn exists whether I feel confident in my own sexuality or not.

If my partner watches porn should I feel less desirable? If my partner and I watch porn together should I be threatened by how the porn actresses look and feel less attractive?

Ultimately, that’s up to me. And I’ve decided that I’m done worrying about porn, the way the women in porn look, the seemingly unattainable sexual escapades portrayed in porn, and everything else that ever bothered me about porn.

Could I watch porn with my partner now without feeling threatened by the busty, energetic sex dolls on the screen? Possibly. I think I’d definitely be better able now to differentiate between my own sexual identity and confidence as opposed to the fantasy that porn ultimately is.

I’m not a fantasy. I’m a real person. With flaws, doubts, and limits. The sooner I accepted those realities about myself, the easier it was to accept the fantasy of porn as something that exists around me.

More from Michelle: Could I Survive In A Sexless Marriage?

Sign up for Heart Affairs

By Heart Affairs

Take a peek into the real stories, raw confessions, and helpful advice from writers in the realms of dating, relationships, marriage, divorce, adultery & more! Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Michelle Brown

Written by

Writer, Partner, Lover, Mother & Stepmother. Ponderings on sex, love, parenting, step-parenting & the journey of life. Meet me there. www.theponderingnook.com

Heart Affairs

Love and lust can be messy.

Michelle Brown

Written by

Writer, Partner, Lover, Mother & Stepmother. Ponderings on sex, love, parenting, step-parenting & the journey of life. Meet me there. www.theponderingnook.com

Heart Affairs

Love and lust can be messy.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store