The First Man Who Gave Me An Orgasm Didn’t Love Me

Michelle Brown
Sep 13 · 3 min read

And that’s OK.

Image for post
Image for post
He seduced me utterly and completely.

The first guy I ever had mind-blowing, brain-distorting, sweep-you-off-your-feet sex with didn’t love me. I’m not sure he even cared about me that much either, to be honest.

And you know what? That’s OK.

I was young — maybe 20. He was older. He had been with plenty of other women in his lifetime and has probably been with oodles more since me.

However, many years ago, on one beautiful humid evening, this tall, handsome man chose me. He seduced me utterly and completely. It was a beautiful sexual experience.

It lasted about a month. I couldn’t get enough of him. I craved him day and night. He was a gentle lover — soft and whispery. And he brought me to orgasm every single time we were together. It was a truly satisfying sexual experience.

I thought we were in a ‘real relationship’. I thought things were fantastic. The only problem was — he wasn’t sleeping with only me.

I remember the day he blew me off which was unusual because we had spent almost every day together for 2 weeks. I arrived unannounced at his front door. It was opened a crack. I walked in. He was there with another woman, embracing her the same way he had been embracing me for the weeks.

WOW.

It was a massive blow. I left quickly, feeling ashamed and hot with embarrassment. I immediately went and cried in a shower — for about an hour. Then I cried some more that night — and again for the next week. My heart actually hurt. I’m sure you know the feeling.

That’s the thing about being a young woman who experiences sensational sex for the first time in her life with an older, more experienced man. It’s hard to let go of. You don’t want to let go of it. You want to hold onto it forever.

The agony of losing a physical connection with someone when you are feeling more alive than you’ve ever felt in your life before is a crushing part of life.

I wandered aimlessly for a while after this happened, lost in a daze of devastation.

Apparently, I was not the only one experiencing orgasms with this man, and the other woman I had found him with was not the only one either. There was yet another woman in the mix. He had been a sly one. And I had been a fool — a fool who was in close, intimate company with other fools just like me.

Looking back now, I wonder if I was really in love with this man, or if I was just greedy? Maybe I just wanted more orgasms. I can’t really blame myself for that.

Confusing a spotent sexual connection with actual love and caring is a common mistake many young women — and young people in general — make. It’s a human mistake. A mistake rooted in the desire for love.

It’s par for the course. We live, we love, and hopefully, some of us get to experience earth-shattering sex with someone at some point in our lives even if they do end up breaking our hearts. It’s understandable not to want to lose that feeling of really connecting with someone on a physical level.

It’s OK that this seductive man dropped me like a hot potato. It’s OK that this man didn’t love me. It’s OK that he didn’t seem to care much that my tears were in his name.

It happens. We get fooled. We make assumptions. We tread in places where we may be in over our heads. Especially when we are young with fresh and naive hearts.

I will always remember this man with his sensual charm and quiet aura. He gave me some pretty intense and sensual experiences that I will always remember. He opened up my sexual world. He betrayed me — but I survived — a little wiser and a lot more experienced than I was before.

Here’s to fools…

More from Michelle: Why Being Sexy Really Has Nothing To Do With Appearance

Heart Affairs

Love and lust can be messy.

Sign up for Heart Affairs

By Heart Affairs

Take a peek into the real stories, raw confessions, and helpful advice from writers in the realms of dating, relationships, marriage, divorce, adultery & more! Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Michelle Brown

Written by

Top Writer, Partner, Lover, Mother & Stepmother. Ponderings on sex, love, parenting, step-parenting & the journey of life. Meet me there.

Heart Affairs

Love and lust can be messy.

Michelle Brown

Written by

Top Writer, Partner, Lover, Mother & Stepmother. Ponderings on sex, love, parenting, step-parenting & the journey of life. Meet me there.

Heart Affairs

Love and lust can be messy.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store