The Illusion of Charm
‘But they are so charming…’
For years, I believed charm was one of the most attractive qualities a person could have. I saw it as a sign of confidence, charisma, and warmth… it felt like something magnetic and mostly irresistible.
Looking back, I now see that charm wasn’t just a trait my exes had in common; it was the very thing that blinded me to everything they lacked… or ‘got away’ with.
Charm, I feel like, in a way, is the most deceiving mask of all. It lingers long after the betrayal, heartbreak, and disappointment. Even when someone’s true self is revealed, charm makes you hesitate and second-guess the reality right in front of you.
But look, that charm is still there… maybe they are still the person I thought they were? But they aren’t. They never were.
Charm as a Cover-Up
Charm is meaningless on its own. It only works positively as an accessory or addition to real, admirable qualities.
If you think about it, it is mostly used to cover up questionable and/or negative qualities. For example…
• He/She was late… but so charming with the apology.
• He/She lacked empathy… but so charming otherwise.
• His/Her answers didn’t add up… but the charm… helped ignore it.
• I knew he/she wasn’t the right person for me… but was just so charming.
It took me this last year of life to realize that the word I thought was so attractive is, in a way, one of the most dangerous traits.
Because what is ‘charm’? What is its depth? What does it mean when used to describe a person? In a way, I feel like we all use it for different reasons, yet all point out similar things.
Even dictionary definitions are confusing.
According to the Oxford Dictionary (when Googled), charming is defined as:
1. “Very pleasant or attractive.”
2. “Very polite, friendly, and likable.”
Attractive, in what way? The first definition is like, are we talking in a physical sense? And how do polite, friendly, and likable all fit under one definition? One doesn’t necessarily mean the other.
Then comes the real reveal under charm:
1. “To use one’s ability to please and attract to influence someone.” Example: “You’re not going to charm me into changing my mind.”
So isn’t charm, by definition, a form of persuasion… one that can easily blur into manipulation? Persuasion itself isn’t usually bad… in fact, it can be a good quality in a person. But when the charm is used to alter someone’s perception for personal gain or to create an illusion, doesn’t it become something more disturbing?
Charm vs. Manipulation
A British GQ article titled ‘Why You Need to Turn “Being Charming” Into Your Life’s Work’ (March 11, 2021), written by Stephen Bayley, explores the power of charm. He argues that charm can be both a social weapon and a tool of persuasion.
Here are some stand-out excerpts I found interesting on the topic that, in a way, aligned with my thoughts on the word:
• “Charm will give you a presence that others find attractive. Additionally, and very likely, charm will also deliver a slight, but insistent, whiff of erotic possibilities.”
• “Charm can only be understood in context. It is a social weapon that you can aim at specific targets: you cannot be charming to yourself.”
• “People can be victims of charm as readily as they can be its beneficiaries.”
• “No one hates a charmer, but then again, not everyone admires him.”
• “The exercise of charm has something in common with the manipulative stratagems of the psychopath.”
• “Like the charmer, the psychopath has a method. Each may be, at different parts of the conquest process, persuasive and attractive too. The method has three phases: assessment, manipulation, and abandonment.”
• “Charm engages and delights, even as it deceives and evades.”
• “You would never really argue with a truly charming man because a part of charm’s purpose is to disarm attacks.”
• “It is the ability, as Albert Camus put it, of getting someone to say ‘yes’ without them realizing they have been asked a question.”
Reading this, I couldn’t help but reflect on how many times I’ve fallen for Charm’s spell. Even when the reality was painful, the charm still lingered, confusing me about reality.
Charm as a Lasting Spell
The strangest part about falling for ‘charm’?
Even after the heartbreak, the blindsiding, the pain… the charm is what lingers the longest. Long after the person is gone, whoever that person might be in life, their charm still echoes in your mind.
That’s its real power.
I’ve seen this pattern in friends, too. They call me after dates or meeting new people confused: They were XYZ, but they were just so charming… And my answer has become almost automatic: Give the person a chance… but keep an eye on that charm. If charm is the only positive thing, or if you use ‘but they are charming’ to cover up red flags… You might already have your answer.
Because more often than not, charm isn’t an and… it’s a but.
