The Secret That Made Me a Better Wife.

Insights from Esther Perel.

Eva Grape
Heart Affairs
Published in
5 min readMay 16, 2024


AI-Imagine generated via MidJourney.

We all think our marriages are different, special, and immune to the messiness that seems to plague others. I was no different. Then, one day, my world was upended by an emotional infidelity that I couldn’t even name at first. It wasn’t physical, but it shook the very foundation of my marriage.

Yet, paradoxically, it made me a better wife.

Esther Perel’s “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity,” especially the chapter “Affairs Are Not What They Used to Be,” offered profound insights that helped me navigate this complex terrain, which I will go through with you in the following and the promise that I will be sharing more lessons from this amazing book in further articles.

But for now, let’s look at why it’s good to keep a secret.

A New Perspective on Infidelity

In the chapter “Affairs Are Not What They Used to Be,” Esther Perel redefines infidelity and explores how it manifests in modern relationships.

She writes, “Affairs have a lot to teach us about the nature of modern relationships, the changing expectations we have of our partners, and the dynamic tension between our need for security and our desire for freedom.”