Wedding Night Sex Is Not Mandatory (Or Always Reasonable)
Here’s why.
Congratulations, newlyweds!
You’ve navigated the torturous terrain of seating charts, the wrath of your great aunt upon discovering her seat, and the tragic loss of the chocolate fountain (may it RIP) at the reception.
Now, you stand at the precipice of the honeymoon suite, where a different kind of pressure is lurking.
This pressure is wrapped in layers of satin, tulle, and perhaps a garter or two — the notion of wedding night sex.
But before we delve further into this risqué topic, let’s raise our champagne flutes, filled to the brim with common sense, as we propose a toast to debunking this antiquated expectation that’s been plaguing marital happiness since AOL was a thing.
Reasons Why Wedding Night Sex Can Be an Overrated (Or Unreasonable) Affair
The image of wedding night sex is often painted as steamy, perfect, and sublime. A piece of performance art just shy of making it into the Louvre.
But let’s be real.
It’s not always the magical, firework-fueled saga the silver screen and overzealous romance novels would have you believe.
1. The Exhaustion Elephant
Have you ever tried to maintain your best Marilyn Monroe or Cary Grant impersonation for a full day with a room full of people demanding your attention, and then attempt the horizontal tango?
If the answer is no, then congratulations, you’re a normal person.
If yes, then, my good friend, you’re a superhero, and I need to know your secret ASAP.
Lame jokes aside, weddings are exhausting.
They are beautiful, emotional whirlwinds of laughter, tears, and a ridiculous amount of shrimp cocktail (If you’re lucky). By the time the clock strikes twelve, chances are you’ll be more interested in the plush embrace of your hotel bed than performing any horizontal gymnastics of passion.
2. The Uninvited Third Wheel: Alcohol
Who among us hasn’t succumbed to the charms of the open bar, conveniently nestled next to the boogie-inducing dance floor?
Weddings and libations go hand-in-hand, and that’s perfectly okay.
What’s not okay is the belief that your night of matrimonial bliss should culminate in a breathless, steamy encounter straight out of a James Bond movie.
The reality?
In the throes of an alcohol-induced haze, it’s more likely that your night will end in a fumbled attempt to unclasp your spouse’s cufflinks or unhook the 72-eyelet monstrosity that is your wedding dress.
3. The Mood Monster
This might be a revelation for some: humans are moody creatures.
There’s no guarantee that after a day of intense emotions, your hormones will line up like obedient soldiers ready for action.
In the wake of such an overwhelming day, your emotional state might be craving comfort, intimacy, and a good night’s sleep rather than a sweaty romp between the sheets.
The Evolution of Wedding Night Expectations
In a world that’s rapidly evolving, the idea that wedding night sex is a “must-do” or “rite of passage” seems a tad out of sync, doesn’t it?
Like fax machines, shoulder pads, or Justin Bieber’s swoop haircut — it’s just a bit outdated.
Breaking this tradition doesn’t make your marriage any less valid, and it certainly doesn’t imply that your relationship lacks passion or romance. It simply means that you’re comfortable enough with each other to listen to your bodies, and that, friends, is truly the epitome of intimacy.
As we evolve in our understanding of relationships and intimacy, it’s high time we part ways with this “mandatory” tradition, just like we did with burning witches at the stake or not wearing a spec of white after Labor Day.
If you want to have sex, go for it.
Sex is great and a happy marriage is often overflowing with it. However, if one or both of you aren’t feeling it, that’s okay, too. You can make up for it in the morning.
Love in the Time of Comfort
The act of consummating your marriage shouldn’t be a chore on your to-do list.
It should be a consensual celebration of love, whenever and however you both choose to express it.
Remember, there’s no rush.
According to the New York Times, most couples don’t have sex on their wedding night. Formal and informal surveys show that less than 50% of couples do the deed that night.
The night of your wedding is just the first of many nights together. You’ve got a lifetime to discover and explore each other, so why cram it all into a night already laden with intense experiences and expectations?
How To Avoid Unmet Wedding Night Expectations
As you step into this new chapter of your life, be kind to yourselves.
Listen to your bodies. Respect your emotional states. Enjoy the comfort of being together, in silence or in laughter.
It’s not about performing to meet an expectation; it’s about embracing the spontaneity of your journey together. Talk about your expectations for your wedding night.
Odds are one partner has thought long and hard (pun intended) about the evening escapades. Express your wants, needs, hopes, and desires.
Then come to an agreement.
By doing so, you avoid confusion, missed opportunities, and misplaced expectations. The main thing is to love each other and talk it out.
The Final Toast
So here’s to you, to the honeymoon suite, to room service, and to Netflix if that’s what you choose to do.
Here’s to honoring your feelings and to not giving a hoot about what tradition dictates. Here’s to the start of your forever, and here’s to wedding night sex only when you damn well please.
Because, after all, nothing screams romance more than two people comfortable enough to say, “Not tonight, honey. Let’s get some room service and sleep. Tomorrow, though, it’s on like Donkey Kong!”
Whatever you do, definitely try to work in a classic video game reference.
Go forth, be wed, be merry, and, above all, be yourselves.
Wedding night sex is not mandatory, nor always reasonable. But laughing together, now that’s something you should strive to do, every night of your married life.
