What It’s like Sleeping With Two Men At The Same Time
While your husband sleeps with two women in the same bed.
I am Zaria, 36 years old. I love two men — my husband, Ishaan with whom I have two children, and another man, Ron. For me personally, double love is very consistent. My relationship with Ron, which has now lasted two years, is also good for my twelve-year marriage.
During the first seven years of our marriage, I shared a house with my husband while he shared his body with other women outdoors. Thereafter, he brought home another woman he wanted to live with. I had no choice but to agree. I am glad I did. From then on, he has just two legal women in his life, while I illegally have two men in the mine.
I am in close contact with Ron, although we very rarely meet. The sticking point is a certain insincerity towards my husband. He knows that I love someone else and accepts this, but he doesn’t know how intense the sexual relationship is. He thinks he is my dance partner, who I sometimes feel special with, and that’s that.
That was my intention too. An attempt to actually stop having sex with Ron failed miserably. Ishaan doesn’t ask me anything. I guess he doesn’t want to know much and relies on how good our connection feels.
It is not worthy of the relationship between me and my husband that I hide my sex from him. However, I fear that he could suffer greatly from the knowledge of the sexual component. And then I would be under pressure to end the other relationship for his sake.
Ron makes it clear that he doesn’t want to lose me but would accept any decision. At the moment I feel that these feelings, which include a sexual component, are strong towards both and cannot be changed. So I’m looking for a coherent position.
Do I truly love Ron or I am only in love with the sex and attention?
Being born and raised in Pakistan has provoked me to be a defender of monogamy — the most common relationship model in our society. We all have to ask ourselves: How do we want to live and balance freedom and responsibility in relationships? For some, this is crystal clear and stable throughout their lives, while others wrestle with conflicting needs, are shaken up by unexpected experiences, and look for alternatives.
To not know or avoid this hard question is to live in guilt forever.
A self-confident woman has the audacity to concentrate on her own choices. She has the luxury to feel what it is to follow one’s own passion. She knows herself, she loves and feels how the well-being of her loved ones is responsibly interwoven with her own. So now she’s in a dilemma. What now?
We crave choices without cost. In a situation like mine, acknowledging that I will have to pay a price one way or the other is certain. I know this but just keep pushing this fact aside, telling myself that Ishaan, my man who is and has been a flirt, and got a second wife to fulfill the gap that I could not fill, was to blame for my actions.
To an extent, this was also true. But now, we live as one big happy family. Ishaan has learned to be content with two women by his side and in his bed. His eyes, since Saskia came haven’t wandered away from the two of us.
Yes, he led me to the world of immorality and to the touch of another man. He made me feel what it was like to be loved and feel special by two men at the same time. The good thing was, that each had their own way to love. Each served its own purpose. While one made me feel sexy after a long day, the other made me realize that my sacrifices for the family were worthwhile at the night.
Each has its own place in my heart, and its own role to fulfill. But if all this was so perfect, why do I cringe every time I think about Ron while Ishaan is hugging me. Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong each time he would look into my eyes and thank me for his new life together with his second lady love. Does he feel the same when he makes love to Saskia?
What it is to live with guilt?
These are questions that have been perplexing me for the past two years. Questions I have been searching for answers to within myself. And while I haven’t found the answers, I ask myself.
How high do I estimate the risk of losing Ron or Ishaan? What price was I ready to pay for each position. At the end, who would be the real winner — Ron or Ishaan? Would I ever learn to be happy again? And if I am truly happy, why am I coated with guilt.
As a married woman, Ishaan, my husband will always have an upper hand
Ishaan will not accept the dirty little secrets I have with Ron. While I am turned on with such knowledge now, he is not. So what are the risks?
Maybe Ishaan does not accept the sexual relationship with Ron and I have to decide between the two. I obviously choose Ishaan, as he is the father of my kids. Maybe Ron becomes mad and threatens me to commit to him and him alone. One of these two men, probably my lover, will lose me. And the remaining man might have a sad, wing-clipped wife.
Either I enjoy the newfound freedom and confidence my lover has given me, or I concentrate on the short but pretty dangerous pangs of guilt I have. Should I simply pretend that everything is alright, or should I keep indulging in this dangerous rollercoaster.
Should I grab the opportunity to be true to myself by confiding in Ishaan and live a life that is honest on my own terms? Or should I just enjoy each man in their own time, shunning my guilt altogether? Will it die away with time? Is there an end to this agonizing deadlock or will I encounter destruction in installments?
Ishaan wants to love a free being. He has already shown that by accepting that his wife has a lover. Perhaps the reassurance of having his first wife by his side most days of the year is enough for him. Maybe the other relationship could stay open because it would hurt me too much to give it up?
What would you have done in my place?
I think it’s remarkable that Ishaan doesn’t ask me too much about Ron. It is his choice and responsibility not to do so, although strictly speaking, I should be transparent to him on my own. Should he catch me red-handed with Ron, there would be no escape for either side. Clarity would have to be created where there is room for maneuver at the moment.
Should I opt for maximum transparency and prepare myself to take on subsequent disputes with an uncertain outcome and high risks. Or should I choose “business as usual” and be prepared to pay the price for the pain of my insincerity.
And is this really fair to Ron? Even though he does not expect much and is faithful and patient, will he always be so? Ending the relationship with Ron could hurt us both more now but give us time to heal perhaps?
Being clear from now on would be a possibility but I am not ready for that today. Maybe that option will come up sometime in the future. For the moment I concentrate on individual happiness. Pain, loss, and coping with permanent lack are part and parcel of human life.
It could be an expression of freedom to decide against Ron for the sake of Ishaan and our polygamous household. Feelings cannot be changed, but behavior can. Something tells me that I can live without Ron or without sex with him. The transformative aspect of this encounter will remain with me as a treasure forever. But will it make me feel as empowered?
For now, I just carry all questions within myself. Let them accompany me when I sit at the table with Ishaan. Should I wish Ron good night? Should I once again take refuge within the rearing of the children? But they do not need me as much anymore.
For now, the fluctuations of my feelings, the indecisiveness, and the ambiguity do their own ballet within me. I allow this graceful movement. Slowly, cycling through the different positions over and over again may cause a decision to grow out of the hummus.
If you were in a dilemma like mine, what would you do?
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