When Healing Meets Familiar Patterns
Friendship or Familiar Trap?
Navigating relationships post-healing, the process of recognizing old patterns and choosing how to respond is not simple.
Healing gives you the tools to spot red flags and familiar dynamics, but it doesn’t stop you from attracting them. It doesn’t stop the pull or the temptation to fall into old habits or ‘test the waters’.
I guess this is where the real work begins: when you’re confronted with the familiar…
Recognizing the Pattern
I recently met someone who mirrored the traits I’ve worked so hard to heal from… emotionally unavailable, inconsistent at times, ‘charming’, self-admittedly at a messy stage of his life…
From the second I met him, I saw the similarities to my past.
When I met my ex, I convinced myself he was different from my past relationships. I focused on what seemed better, ignoring what didn’t add up. I asked the right questions but ignored the vague answers, diving in heart first.
But this time, at that bar, something shifted. It was like I was wearing one of those Iron Man lenses… every red flag full focus.
Every charm, every familiar feeling screamed “past patterns.”
I could see clearly that he was the exact type of man I could fall for… so he had the exact traits I’d promised myself to steer clear of… the kind of man who draws me in with ‘vulnerability’ but leaves me drained.
The difference this time? I didn’t convince myself he was different. I didn’t ignore the red flags. I saw him for who he was.
I even laughed at how familiar it all felt, confident that recognizing it was enough to make me walk away. I had made a pact with myself with the help of my therapist: the feelings of familiarity and comfort weren’t a green light… they were my cue to run.
So I was proud when I spotted all this head-on.
And yet, awareness doesn’t make it easy…
Even when you know better, emotions don’t always follow logic.
He opened up to me in ways that felt intimate and rare. We stayed up talking for hours… being completely vulnerable.
While I felt deep down that he wasn’t the right man for me, something about him hooked me just enough to care about him… And we became intimate.
Even after that, I stayed self-aware. I reminded myself of all the reasons we couldn’t be more than what we were… nothing he told me aligned with my needs and what I wanted.
He told me himself that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and he’s taken every opportunity to remind me that this is just a friendship, while I was trying to see if this was even worth the friendship for me…
Our connection continued without physical intimacy… He expressed that he valued me as a friend and wanted to keep it that way. I said okay.
While there’s something flattering about the way he shares so much of himself with me during our conversations, it also brings out my empathy into full gear, making me wonder if I’m supporting him in a way that’s meaningful for us both or enabling a dynamic that could end up draining me.
What further adds to the confusion is… how much the lengthy phone calls fulfil something I always craved in relationships: deep, meaningful communication, vulnerability and someone fully and honestly being themselves…
I’ve always wished for a best-friend dynamic with a man, and while this feels bittersweet, it’s given me something I’ve wanted while also highlighting what’s missing: alignment with what I truly want and need.
The Dilemma: Let Go or Stay?
The more we talk, the more I notice how unbalanced this dynamic feels.
While he leans on me for emotional support, do I feel emotionally safe?
I listen to him deeply, but when it’s my turn to speak, the conversation doesn’t always feel balanced.
It’s not that he’s a bad person…far from it. He’s kind, caring, real, self-reflective, self-aware to an extent, and self-admittedly struggling with meaningful relationships in his life. But his struggles, combined with the lack of full reciprocity, leave me, at times, feeling more like a therapist than a friend.
On one hand, I’ve worked so hard to heal, build boundaries, and prioritize self-love. I know I deserve a relationship that’s equal and fulfilling. On the other, I see this as an opportunity to test my growth and be there for someone I truly care about.
Can I be there for him without losing myself? Or is the risk of falling back into old patterns too high?
In the end… while I am in a better place than I’ve ever been, I am still that girl that wants the fairytale, that tries really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt… and really hates giving up on people when there’s a genuine connection.
And I am still waiting for that one person to walk into my life and be my exception, the one who proves me wrong.
The Emotional Complexity
What complicates this further is the way he recognises my worth, and communicates my qualities, even while making it clear he doesn’t see me romantically. I don’t see him romantically either, but that doesn’t stop the mixed signals from triggering me.
Flattery followed by boundaries brings up a familiar insecurity and self-doubt that I remember feeling not so long ago.
Yet, I’ve also come to understand that these feelings aren’t about me… His words don’t define my worth, they’re a reflection of where he is in his own journey and the way he’s not able to meet me at the level I deserve. (yay recognition! finally!)
Still, the little efforts… like adding me on Instagram after making it a point that he doesn’t add new people easily… I genuinely appreciate… But I also recognize they’re the bare minimum! (recognition again! yay!)
Empathy vs. Self-Protection
Besides the fact that I care, a big part of why I haven’t walked away is my empathy. When someone I care a lot about tells me they lack something… anything… but mostly something meaningful, it’s my nature to want to fill that gap.
I’ve been there… I know how dark that place can be even though I always had meaningful friendships and people around me. And while I see his struggles, I also know that being there for him comes with a high risk.
I don’t want to feel like I am abandoning him… but I also don’t want to abandon myself… (never again!)
This balance of being kind without overextending myself feels like the hardest test of my growth…
A Moment of Strength
Recently, during another lengthy conversation filled with heavy and difficult topics, he baited me… more than once… trying to get a reaction out of me.
It left me questioning myself, and worse, it hurt.
But instead of reacting emotionally or letting it spiral, I stayed calm.
I simply said, “Okay,” and took space.
This was a big victory for me.
I’m so used to feeling the need to defend myself or explain my emotions but this time, I didn’t.
I recognized that his behaviour wasn’t about me, and I didn’t let it pull me in.
Taking that space, without over-explaining, without needing him to understand me or validate me… was a breath of fresh air. It was a peace I hadn’t experienced before. Not to mention I felt more proud of myself than I had in a while.
I realized I am learning to protect my peace and to just “let them.”
Let them misunderstand me. Let them think about what they will do. Let them leave if they want to. Let them behave as they choose. Because their actions aren’t mine to control or fix.
And for once, I didn’t feel the need to convince him otherwise. I just ‘let him’ as I stepped back and protected myself.
A Work in Progress
For now, I’m sitting with this uncertainty. Do I stay and navigate this friendship carefully, testing my ability to hold boundaries?
Or do I let go entirely, prioritizing my emotional well-being?
There’s no clear right or wrong answer, and maybe that’s the point. Healing isn’t about making perfect choices; it’s about learning to listen to yourself and act in alignment with what feels right in the moment.
This journey is teaching me that healing doesn’t mean you stop encountering difficult dynamics…
It means you start recognizing them for what they are.
So What’s Next?
This experience isn’t only about him or being there for him… it’s about me, my growth, the way I care, and the ongoing work of balancing empathy with protecting myself and self-love.
Recognizing patterns is a great first step, and then what you do with that recognition is when the next step of healing starts.
Whether I choose this friendship with him or decide it’s time to let go, I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.
And maybe that’s enough for now, as I give myself the time and space to let clarity guide me.
