When Kids Are Raised In A Polygamous Household
They become more self-confident and stand up for their own ideals.
My father had two wives.
This fact was known to us all, but our stepmother did not live with us.
History repeated itself 35 years later. I got married to a Cassanova who could not get enough of sex with strange women even after marriage. One day he brought home a second wife. This fact has proved good for all of us as since then he has seemed to sleep with only his two legal wives.
Bringing Saskia home was a blessing in disguise. Before this, I was busy drowning my jealousy and desire in raising the kids. When Saskia came, she became a second mother to them. My kids, who were 2 and 4 at that time, accepted her with open arms, and so did she. When she took the responsibility for the kids, I busied myself with other goals- one of them was to explore why Ishaan was hungry for strange bodies and how fulfilling that desire felt.
I gave into my temptations and found myself a lover in the dance classes while Saskia took the responsibility for the home and the kids. While she was enjoying motherhood with kids that were not biologically hers, their real mother spread her wings and flew.
My kids do not have a relationship with their father
In our culture, the father is responsible for only the finances of the home. He is not expected to raise the kids or change diapers. That is the job of the wife who stays home and manages everything. Even if she lives alone with four kids, the four are her responsibility alone.
The most my husband has ever done is buy a meal when I had no time to prepare it. Other household chores are generally not his concern, so whether he has four kids or four wives, he does not contribute to any child-rearing. That is too much to ask!
Manly activities that he does gladly are driving, dropping and picking up his family, and giving us money for household expenses. Thus, the kids see him only in the morning for breakfast and again for dinner, when he does come home on time.
The kids know their father as the monetary supporter of all things. All they want to do is oblige him as he is the most powerful person at home. Money means power and power buys everything, even respect. But does it buy love? I still do not know if our children love their father or try to please him to get their wants. Time will tell.
But they have two mothers
This is why my children gladly accepted another woman into their home and hearts. They have been calling Saskia ‘mom’ from the beginning. She has found her lost child in my children and they have found what was failing in our incomplete monogamous family in their step-mother.
Do the kids feel left out living in a polygamous household?
As their biological mother who can compare their rearing to former times when I was more stressed taking all responsibility, I think they are better off and more supported now.
Children, at least under the age of 14 need attention and time more than money. They want someone to play with. Someone to talk to and hear them out. They want parents to organize activities to keep them busy. Ishaan never had the time to fulfill these needs.
I cannot say how the society outside looks at them. Women in the neighborhood know that sometimes I, sometimes Saskia am there at the bus stop to fetch the kids. They exchange weird looks when they see us taking responsibility for the kids together when earlier I alone was struggling with everything.
Perhaps they even talk and gossip and try to poison my children. Thankfully children have a short-term memory. By the time they get home, they are happy to be welcomed by their two mothers and no longer concentrate on the poison.
What do the children think about their father having two wives?
In our country, the children have no say in certain choices. They are expected to follow their parents’ orders while they still are living under their roof. The kids were not warned about what was happening to our family. They were not old enough to understand it or take approval.
Because of the way they are raised, they have learned to adjust. We do not ask our children if they would like to go to a marriage of relative where all they could do is eat and get bored. We tell them they should and do so whether they like it or not.
I do not think they understand that having Saskia as their mother means that their father sleeps with two women. That he has fixed days in the week to experiment with either of his partners. Even if they read into their disappearance into the other room to sleep with Saskia, they may not think too much about it. Their father was never there to make them sleep in.
Now my children are 6 and almost 10. I am sure the older one does understand a lot about sex and satisfaction. She too is a reader like me. I got to know all about these things through books. Now with the internet educating people, there is no need to wonder what the kids know and whatnot.
So far, they have not asked me why their father disappears into one room or the other. We do not publicly display affection, and for us, even the kids are as good as the public. Any display of physical love is only behind closed doors. Yes I know, it’s quite a hypocritical lifestyle for westerners reading this, but that’s what all third world nations are — hypocritical.
I can surely say that our kids will not contribute to the hypocritical population of Pakistan. they will decipher what their needs are and stand for them. They will filter gossip and not be influenced or poisoned by the world. Despite monogamy and a set of parents being a part of society, they have learned their parents had the guts to be different. They notice that being different has its positives.
Any type of relationship, whether monogamous, polygamous or polyamorous, gay, lesbian or just a fling, survives on trust and adjustment. my kids know that when they are hurt they can go to any three of us. They know that either of their mothers would be ready to lay their lives for their sake, and this confidence is priceless.
So what do the kids think about their father having two wives? What the father did is not the main concern here. What the outcome was, is. Had we not blended into the lifestyle we follow now, they would have been hurt, disoriented, and disturbed. But, we, even Ishaan have been able to set a good balance to equally support his wives and be a caregiver for the children. They are more than glad they have two mothers. Raising children with two or three sets of parents is better than raising them with just one.
“So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.” ― Ernest Hemingway,
